As someone who consumes items that are named using words like spicy, jalapeno, hot, chipotle, fiery, habanero, tongue-burning, mucho caliente, and Eva Longoria-hot, I know when something is spicy.
Despite the crispy chicken breast with a bold blend of Chipotle spices, the McDonald’s Spicy Premium Chicken Sandwich didn’t bring the heat. Not even the lettuce, tomatoes, mayonnaise, and honey wheat roll could make up for the lack of spiciness.
There are so many things spicier than this sandwich.
For example, Latin-American entertainer Charo bathing in Tabasco sauce and repeatedly saying “cuchi-cuchi” is definitely many times more spicier than the McDonald’s Spicy Premium Chicken Sandwich.
Having WWE wrestlers battle each other in a kiddie pool of brown mustard is still extremely more spicier than the McDonald’s Spicy Premium Chicken Sandwich.
Heck, watching the Spice Network by myself, while listening to the Spice Girls and smelling of Old Spice, is still spicier than the McDonald’s Spicy Premium Chicken Sandwich.
This sandwich would’ve been good, if it gave me a nice burn. Instead, I got a so-so tasting crispy chicken sandwich that gave my mouth a very, very slight burn. The best way I can describe the difference, in terms many of you will understand, it’s like comparing rubbing your nipples with a feather or with coarse sandpaper.

As you all know, when you rubbing your nipples with a feather, you hardly feel anything at all. On the other hand, as many of you know, rubbing your nipples with coarse sandpaper hurts, but at the same time, it feels surprisingly good.
All good spicy sandwiches have that nice burn to them. For example, the Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Fillet Sandwich always give me a nice soothing burn.
I’m not talking about the burn you get while peeing because of a particular type of sexually transmitted disease you contracted from that time you went to Southeast Asia to participate in a “Sex Tour.”
Nor is it the type of burn you get from going up to an irate smoker, telling him or her that their second-hand smoke is irritating you, and then the irate smoker putting out their cigarette in the middle of your forehead.
Nor is it the type of burn I get when I go up to a woman to ask her out and she tells me, “I don’t date guys with unibrows.”
I’m talking about that burn that makes you sweat just a little. I’m talking about that burn that feels like your taste buds are doing the Riverdance with Stiletto heels on. I’m talking about that burn that makes you glad you got the value meal with the extra large soft drink.
Unfortunately, the McDonald’s Spicy Premium Chicken Sandwich couldn’t give me that burn.
(Editor’s Note: Lord Jezo, who I am jealous of because he has a pack of Pepsi Holiday Spice in his fridge, reviewed the McDonald’s Spicy Premium Chicken Sandwich earlier this month. Read his review here. After reading the review, go read about how he and his date went to White Castle for Valentine’s dinner and ended up in the newspaper AND on television.)
Item: McDonald’s Spicy Premium Chicken Sandwich
Purchase Price: $4.99 (value meal)
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: So-so tasting sandwich. Rubbing nipples with coarse sandpaper. Charo. Spice Network.
Cons: Very weak spiciness. Kind of small and pricey. My excessive use of the word “spicy” (and all its forms) in this review. Southeast Asian Sex Tours. My unibrow. Old Spice.
did you tell the woman about your vibrating razor?
They put so much mayonnaise on it you can use the excess as lubrication/moisturizer on your irritated nipples.
This sandwich definitely sounds like it isn’t habanero spicy. Oh well, what can ya expect from Mickey D’s. If I want a real ass-kicker of a sandwich, I usually go to Hooter’s and request one with Nuclear sauce.
Marvo, I’m worried about you. Sandpaper on the nipples? Even I haven’t reached that level of frustration, yet. 😉
that’s too bad! I thought for sure it would be comparable the the spicy Wendy’s chicken sandwich.
did you try rubbing the sandwich on your nipples? maybe that would have worked…. 🙂
I’m inclined to agree with Dawn here.. Maybe ya should have applied said sandwich to the nipple area, if anything could of made another of those horrifyingly erotic videos..
I’ve found that any sandwich from McDonald’s with lettuce or tomato on it, isn’t worth getting. Even their produce has that odd, synthetic taste to it. Which, I kinda like in my Quarter Pounder W/ Cheese, but.. not in ‘veggies’.
Now, for a good spicy chicken sandwich, there’s this Irish Pub/Sports Bar around here, their buffalo chicken sandwich.. best chicken sandwich I’ve ever had, hands down…
Someday you just might go overboard with the sandpaper and rub the nipples completely off. Anyway, that is slightly disturbing I much prefer nipple clamps…but that’s just me.
I don’t like the honey wheat roll.
All McDs likes to do is fuck up good products and then call them premium. You know the old non-premium chicken sandwiches?
They were great, if you were wondering. But you were expecting that, since I prefaced this rant with the tag. Grilled goodness, with a touch of mayo on a bun. Perfection.
You know the McShaker salads and the ones before that?
Perfect goodness, like Holl*ister Donovan. But again, you guessed that. And now Hollister is going to go google her name and find that the name Muneer comes up. And that will get me in a shitload of trouble at school.
Oh, and I wonder how McDs new “premium” coffees will taste like. Bring new meaning to the word “mud”, perhaps?
Meh, I should post this before I go back and read it over. That just wouldn’t be in true rant spirit, to spellcheck the said rant now, would it?
Meh, your blog software left out my tags. Beleve it or not WordPress, FUCK_UP> and /rant> are not valid tags. ( i left out the 2
Maybe if you prefaced your first bite by singing, “Burn baby burn, disco inferno, burn baby burn, burn that mutha down…”
Try the Spicy Chik’n Patties: http://www.bocaburger.com/product_meatless/4.html
in a nice lightly non-honey sweetened http://vegweb.com/recipes/bread/4158.shtml
wheat roll next thyme???
“I’m just sayin’…”
🙂
Spicy… Is that the kind of food that grows hair on your chest, or is it a third nipple I’m thinking of?
Marvo,
Truth be told, most haole-kine spicy foods are never truley spicy. Their flavours are actually pretty bland. That’s why you need to carry around a bottle of Tabasco. Heck soak some li hing mui in Tabasco…now that’s a tastey treat!
I feel your pain, the other day I went into my local convenience store and bought a bag of doritos Spicy nacho, they tasted just like regular Doritos. What a gyp.
Seriously, Marvo, Gia on Guam had a good point about haole (well, in my part of the world, we say “anglo”) foods not being spicy. But living here in the southwest desert, which is the best chile country in the US, I am spoiled by fresh local green chile, jalapeno, habanero, you name it. You have to buy chiles, or look for that great sambal or something similar from Vietnam, Thailand, whatever — don’t be looking for it at a fast food restaurant, because all those nitwits do is disappoint. Oh, and a word to the wise — sandpaper is one thing, but please keep the habanero away from your nipples!
gko – Wait…Should she be impressed about the vibrating razor because it vibrates or because it can separate my unibrow?
klew – Mmm…Mayo on nipples. Oh, the memories. 😉
Chuck – Or you could make a Jerky by Art Habanero Jerky sandwich.
Mir – I guess sandpaper on nipples is an acquired taste. 😉
Webmiztris – Unfortunately, I didn’t rub the sandwich on my nipples. Although, I won’t buy another McDonald’s Spicy Premium Chicken Sandwich for it’s taste, I might buy another just to rub on my nipples.
Andy – Hmm…That’s something I didn’t realize. The McDonald’s sandwiches I’ve tried with veggies usually suck, while the ones without don’t suck. Mmm…Double cheeseburger.
Nicki – Clothespins?
Muneer – Unfortunately, the word “premium” can easily be attached to anything, like sandwiches, coffee, candy, condoms, or malt liquor. Oh yeah, hello Hollister Donovan.
Karen – Are you trying to turn me into a vegetarian? 😉
Maybe – No, spicy is the kind of food that give you a reason to use Alka-Seltzer. Although, if spicy food does grow chest hair, it would explain a lot.
Gia on Guam – Despite my love of spicy foods, I don’t really like Tabasco. I know, blasphemous. However, I heard there’s a habanero Tabasco, so that might change my mind. Also, Tabasco and li hing mui…I dunno about that one. Li hing mui and popcorn…Yes. Li hing mui and dried mangoes…Yes. But, Tabasco and li hing mui…Not so much.
Rob – But at least the bag of the Doritos Spicy Nacho looked nice, right?
kiki – Oh, now see what you’ve done! You put ideas into my head. Now I need to find some habanero.
Marvo, you delicious freak, don’t take the habanero stuff too seriously! but i can say that, with the recent trend toward lip plumpers, chile peppers are the cheap alternative. just rub a jalapeno over your mouth (not like i know this myself, no way, no) and you can have a nice, plump, red pout. uh…did i say that out loud? i know you’re wild…just be careful, will you?!
Tabasco on popcorn….YUM!!!
kiki – It maybe expensive. It may make you look like a fish. But collagen will always be my lip plumper of choice, until reverse liposuction. 😉
Gia on Guam – You put Tabasco on everything, don’cha? 🙂
The only good sandwich that they had at MCD’s was the Mc DLT. They kept the cool side cool and the hot side hot!
Sasha_Kitty – I still think the Big Mac is a pretty decent sandwich, although it will forever be the messiest sandwich EVER.