I think The Impulsive Buy’s number one hater is right, I need to jazz up my life. Here’s what he/she/it wrote to me:
(Editor’s Note: Yes, the hater is real and so is the letter.)
Dearest Marvo,
I just wanted to tell how much I hate you you 30 year old sits in your pajamas all day fat crusty does nothing but jackoff and eat loser please be so kind and spare the plant another shitty review and go kill yourself now before we do it for you respond to this if you have the balls
I know. I know. It’s hard to read the email he/she/it sent to me, so for those of you who don’t understand the language of retarded, let me translate it.
Dearest Marvo,
I just wanted to tell you how much I hate you. You’re a 30-year-old who sits in your pajamas all day. You’re fat, crusty, and do nothing but jackoff and eat. Loser, please be so kind and spare the planet another shitty review and go kill yourself now before we do it for you. Respond to this if you have the balls.
Despite how harsh this douche bag’s letter is, I think he/she/it makes a couple things very clear. (1) Inbreeding is bad. (2) My life is very boring and mundane and I need to “jazz” it up.
So I’ve been thinking about ways to improve my life by doing things beyond the masturbation and eating, which according to he/she/it is all I do. Actually, if I got paid to masturbate and eat all day, I would totally do it, as long as I got free Kleenex.
Anyway, the first thing I would do to possibly jazz up my life is take salsa dancing lessons, because I enjoy shaking my ass…in the mirror…by myself…to Kylie Minogue’s “Locomotion.” I would also like to take salsa dancing lessons because the instructor would have to partner me up with a woman and when the instructor does, it will be the closest I’ve been with a woman in several years.
The next thing I would do to try and jazz up my boring life is to attempt to get my name into the Guinness Book of World Records. According to my number one hater, I may already have the world record for sitting in my pajamas all day, but unfortunately there was no one here to validate that.
Instead, I think I may try to break the Guinness World Records for the number of pints of Guinness stout consumed within 10 minutes. Wouldn’t it be cool to have the Guinness World Record for Guinness consumption and then gain about 20 pounds?
If I’m feeling really lazy, fat, and crusty, I could always just drink some Jazz Diet Pepsi Black Cherry French Vanilla to jazz up my life. After all, it’s got the word “jazz” in its name. Much like alcohol provides me with “liquid courage,” Red Bull gives me “liquid energy,” and Astroglide allows me to have “liquid love,” I thought Jazz Diet Pepsi Black Cherry French Vanilla would provide me with “liquid jazz,” but instead all I got was a good tasting diet soda and lots of gas, since I drank about a liter of it pretty quickly.
It maybe good, but it’s not as good as the Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper. The cherry and vanilla flavors in the Jazz Diet Pepsi were kind of syrupy, making it a little too sweet, but they definitely covered up the usual artificial sweetener taste in most diet sodas.
Well I guess to jazz up my life all I need to do is get out more, but so does some jerkoff who takes the time to write hate emails in a retarded language to some quasi-product review blog editor.
Item: Jazz Diet Pepsi Black Cherry French Vanilla
Price: $1.59 (2-liters)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good for a diet soda. Zero calories, fat, carbs, and sugar. Getting into the Guinness Book of World Records. Free Kleenex. Getting out of the apartment. Astroglide.
Cons: A little too sweet and syrupy. TIB’s number one hater. My boring, mundane life. Writing hate mails in a retarded language. Drinking the Guinness World Record for Guinness consumption. Inbreeding.
Mmm.. liquid love. Sounds like fun. What an interesting interpretation, poorly written flame.. equals.. Pepsi Jazz. It works though. I’ve seen a lot of hatemail before.. got the odd one myself. Just seems like such an odd thing to hate.
Try the strawberries and cream one–it is *so good*.
Also, you should totally see if Kleenex would sponsor you, like a NASCAR driver or something!
Wow, I didn’t know quasi-product review blogs inspired that kind of moronic passion, Marvo. I actually didn’t recognize “plant” as a misspelling for “planet” right away, so thanks for your translation. I thought diet products scared you though.
Original Diet Dr. Pepper will always be my fave soda, personally. Fortunately, it’s very easy to find in Texas, although we don’t have any Hardee’s here. I guess there are pluses and minuses everywhere…
If I could get paid to sit around in my pajamas all day I might well do it. Although if you’re getting paid to not get dressed, why bother with pajamas?
We could have fun with that hate e-mail, placing punctuation in different places to come up with different meanings. Such amusement from such a small minded person with poor grammar skills.
I wish I had these types of products here. Too bad I’m not a rich person and could have them shipped to me.
Ah, hate mail. You know that you’re really famous once you start getting hate mail from losers like this guy. I’m sure it’s a guy since only a guy would be loser enough to a.) actually spend the time writing hate mail to people and b.) not know how to spell.
Oh and BTW, I must have a dirty mind since the first thing I read when I saw the label on that bottle was “jizz” 😀
I get some emails like that too, mostly to the effect of calling me a lousy hypocritical cheapskate who sits at home in his pajamas whining about how expensive food is while typing on his $2500 MacBook Pro. Oh wait, that is me. Minus the MacBook Pro…
I saw the Pepsi Jazz in the store and was debating reviewing it, but I have a hard time with the artificial sweetner in diet drinks.
Also, pajamas = underrated.
Marvo, you are the greatest! I’m sure the percentage of retarded hate mail you receive is far outnumbered by those of us who appreciate you and enjoy your reviews, your humour, your writing style!
And incidentally, for what it’s worth, which is probably about the amount that the Jazz Pepsi cost if that much, i happen to love sittin’ around in my pajamas eating and… uh… well anyway, there’s nothin’ wrong w/any of that.
HATERS suck.
MEAN PEOPLE SUCK.
(i know, i know: NICE PEOPLE SWALLOW.)
I appreciate you cleaning up his letter with your wonderful editing talents, by the way…
I guess I’ll try this stuff, since I’m seeing more people drinking it and claiming it tastes ok. I thought it would suck because it’s too many flavors in one bottle. Thanks for picking up the suggestion.
Judging by the third grade grammar of the hater writer, I wouldn’t give it a second thought.
However, rest assured that my life is not jazzier than yours. Just take my word for it. 😉
I love you. I hate Pepsi. So tired.
life is always better with jazz hands.
Is there a “number 2 hater?” I hope not. The poor spelling and grammar tell you all you need to know about this person.
I think good spelling and grammar are plenty jazzy. But then, I’m sitting here in my pajamas, so what do I know? 😉
Wait, there is something wrong with sitting at home all day in PJs emblazoned with Kleenex and Astroglide logos and jacking off and eating? I find Astroglide too slick though, it is fine for singing a duet, but when going “solo a mano” I find a little more traction on the field can be helpful. Try Cetaphil lotion in the tub with the screw on lid. Pricey, but worth it 😉 Use sparingly.
This fool does not know how to appreciate the finer things in life I guess. I suppose rubbing up against an unattractive stranger, who he roofied in a club that night, until he stains his tiny, irregular, but name-brand briefs would probably be more fun to him. At least doing the premi dance in your own shorts keeps you from getting STDs I guess, and TECHNICALLY they can’t call it date rape–as far as I can see those are the only plusses to his scenario though…
Great review. One of my faves for sheer irreverence points alone (of course I weight that category the heaviest myself). Did this person really identify himself somehow as your number 1 hater or did you just rank him as such?
Hate mail – gotta love it – you’ve reached the big time man! And my life is definitely not jazzier than yours since I haven’t yet inspired hate mail, although some comments (albeit spam) have told me how great I am and how nice my site is and how badly they want to sell me all sorts of pills – does that count? I kinda like The Jazzy Pepsi, but I haven’t bought it since I reviewed it a few months ago, so I guess maybe it wasn’t that great.
“He/She/It”, when pronounced quickly, sounds like “he’s shit”. Coincidence?
Probably. Doesn’t make it any less true though.
All these new flavoured colas are confusing me. Jazz, Cherry-Vanilla, Coke Blak… Marvo, I think you need to make a handy comparison chart. Or maybe a nifty flow chart that tells me which flavoured cola I should pick.
Hey, why do you have to torture me with the Kylie Minogue mention??? Now I’m gonna write you AND her some vicious hate mail once I get that song out of my head. I should be so lucky, so lucky lucky lucky it’ll be anytime today.
Anyway, I would recommend either Gun Oil or Eros for your masturbating pleasure. A bit high end of cost, but just a little goes a long way. Of course, should you actually get the proper company back to your pad for a little entertainment, she’ll be glad to see that on your nightstand rather than that awful sandpaper product, KY.
Damn! That’s quite the #1 spineless loser that wrote that.
Now to the task at hand: Pepsi sucks. Gimme Sam’s Choice Diet Cola any day.
Your hate mail provider was probably sane and literate until he listened to that Chicken Soup Song.
Damn! I want hatemail! Oh wait…I need a blog first…
Look, you made good use of your English degree! Hate mail is good for something, I guess.
Hey, number one hater gives a good suggestion for your next review: pajamas. Specifically pajama pants. I need a new pair and this is where you can help. Cotton? Silk? Crotch hole or no crotch hole. I’ll assume that the crotch hole allows for easier masturbation, but that’s for you to determine. Many thanks in advance.
note to troll:
I just wanted to tell how much I hate you you 30 year old sits in your crusty shitstained underwear all day does nothing but view kiddie porn and kill small animals for fun loser please be so kind as to take an english grammar course so people can better read your hate mail it would even be beneficial when you are chatting in your NAMBLA forums if you have the balls
That guy is just obviously jealous. He read about the two readers who saw you naked and went into a fit of rage because no one’s ever seen him naked. And he’s never seen you naked. So basically, you can’t blame him because he’s now crying someplace (possibly an ayslum someplace) and it’s all because of you. I hope you can sleep at night now, Marvo. You’ve caused jealous insanity.
Great review, though – but I’m totally not trying it, diet soda is GROSS!!
Hmmm…astroglide huh? Have you been using a lot of it since you’ve received my items to review??? 🙂
It’s so cute when they manage to turn on mommy’s computer and send their first email.
God I just love that part about “if you have the balls”….hey kid, recess bell just rang. Time to drop the tetherball and go back to your desk. Hopefully mommy packed you a twinkie in your spongebob lunchbox. And maybe if you’re really lucky it will be story day and you can lie down with your little blanky and take a nice little nap.
Andy – Liquid love = fun. Liquid lava = not fun.
Green-Eyed Lilo – If Kleenex did want to sponsor me, I would only do it if I can use the slogan, “Kleenex…It uploads what internet porn downloaders leave behind.”
Chuck – Diet products do scare me, but just like network sitcoms, there has to be a couple of good ones.
Mooselet – If you were a rich person, I think it would be “richy” if you flew to the products instead. Also, you have Vegemite.
Toni – I really don’t think I’m famous at all, but I believe for famous people it starts with hate mail and then the next level is sex tape. Heh…Jizz.
Bryan – I don’t own any pajamas. It’s too frickin’ hot here for them.
K – Yes, I agree. Nice people do swallow.
Brie – I don’t know if it’s going to be around much longer. They were selling them at the 7-11 is frequent, but they seem to have disappeared from the shelves.
Kevan – Even though you hate it, Pepsi might help with the tiredness.
jenn – Surprisingly, jazz hands don’t make jazz any better.
Lisa – I’m sure there’s a number 2 hater, who right now is checking the spelling and grammar in the hate email they will send to me.
Mir – Good spelling and grammar is fine, until you have to take bad spelling and grammar and turn it into good spelling and grammar.
L’il E – I decided to make him number one because he keeps sending me his thought. He’s actually posted comments that pretty much said the same thing that he said in his email, but I just deleted them. Not a very creative person either.
tanya – The day I reach the big time is the day when I sellout to Pepsi, have them sponsor me, and give great reviews to all their products. Selling out is the ultimate way to determine if I’ve made it to the big time.
Glitterati – Yay! You caught onto the he/she/it thing! Yes! Anyway, I’m not very good with charts, as you can see here.
Domokun – OMG! There’s actually a lubricant called Gun Oil. That’s frickin’ funny…must try! I think when I get a girlfriend, the number sexual product reviews are definitely going to go up.
Peachy – Well not totally spineless, he/she/it did use a real email address.
Tickkid – Actually, he/she/it sent stuff to me way before that, so I think the insanity was probably caused by Popozao.
Danalyn – I could send you hate mail, but I won’t mean it and will probably apologize for it later.
AmberLB – I really wish it was an actual hate letter on paper, so that I could put it on the bottom of a birdcage.
WillC – It’s too hot here to wear pajama pants, although the crotch hole might cool things down. Thanks for the suggestion!
Webmiztris – Heh…you said NAMBLA. Anyway, I’m betting he’s not a member of NAMBLA. I think he’s the “B” in NAMBLA.
melanie – You know what else is gross? Me naked.
The Other ‘M’ – Um…I kind of threw it away, because I was tired of cleaning it, it would collect dust. and I kinda tore it.
ultradave – ::tear:: Their first hate email. Kids nowadays…they grow up so fast. ::tear::
tardo haters are bad…um kay?
Marvo, you’re funny with a sharp writing wit. I’m even delurking especially to tell you that! and I agree…the Dr. Pepper version is the best!
Why hate? Just don’t read. Obviously you can’t write so pick up a book and learn instead of reading reviews. I love your blog!
Yep, Gun Oil. http://makeashorterlink.com/?S15F14EDD These products are also really good if you’re a latex wearer…easier on and off.
And look, Rocket Fuel!
Hurry up and get that girlfriend. Or a hooker. Or a blow up doll. There’s MUCH to review!
Wow, do you really get hate mail? XD That’s almost as bad as anorexics hating on hamburger recipe reviews 😡
Dr. Pepper has that Diet vanilla cream / fruit drink out, too. Blech. Water tastes good. And is diet. Hm.
10,000 comment = free trip to view the taping of Lost. :O
I’m always amazed at the vitriol people go to the effort of writing … of course he didn’t go to much effort.
If I want to jazz up my life a couple Kamikaze doubles helps me along just fine. Soda should not be vanilla flavored, yech, the black cherry though is all good.
So tell me, do you refizz for a more enrgetic pull?
Obviously this person is jealous of your pajama-wearing mastrabation-enduced witty reviews. I’ve seen your picture (on Grins’ single of the week), you don’t look crusty to me…except for the bit of pie crust 😉
Suzanne – Hi Suzanne, long time TIB reader and delurker!!!
Lacey – The first book I’d suggest he/she/it read is Cat in the Hat, which might help he/she/it learn to write and add punctuation.
Domokun – Stroke 29? Wow! I really need to do research of lube.
bleachedrukia – Sadly, someone took the time to write me a hate letter. You would think if they took the time to write a letter, they could spend a little more time adding punctuation. The overall message of the letter he/she/it sent got totally lost on me, since I had to mentally put all the periods in there. Also, if he/she/it used exclamation points it would’ve been a much better letter.
cybele – I really wish he/she/it would send a letter to K-Fed, because I believe they probably have the same mental capacities.
Barb – Mmm…vodka.
Steven – Enrgetic…have you been getting hate mail from he/she/it too?
Erika – Actually, masturbation doesn’t give me wit, it just makes me sleepy. 😉
Here’s an innovative idea: if the person despises you and your reviews so much, how about they NOT visit the website anymore? It’s a simple solution…
I don’t think you’re fat or crusty, Marvo. A little closer to cute and funny, but maybe that’s just me. 🙂
Jana – If you see me naked, you’ll probably think of me as less cute and a whole lot of funny. 🙂
LOL at crusty idiots that write hate email!!
That Pepsi is naaaaasssssty. Baaaaaaaaaaarrrf even.
laina – Hmm…Coke fan I take it?
Marvo’s getting nekkid? I’m soooooo there!
Danalyn – Oh, you so DON’T want to be there!
o_O … Okies. That guy/chick/horrible sex depriven thing needs a freaking life. But so do I. ‘Sept I like reading your reviews because I don’t have cable. And I’m at work… Thus furthering no cable.
Woot Marvo! *Love in general direction*
Kate Hedgehog – WOOT!!!