(Editor’s Note: Today’s review contains links that are either Not Safe For Work (NSFW), Not Safe For Children (NSFC), or Not Safe If You Don’t Want To Have An Erection At Work (NSIYDWTHAEAW). Please click with caution. Thank you.)
Did you know that every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings?
No?
Did you know that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten?
Didn’t know that either?
Well, did you know that every time Kellogg’s releases a new Pop-Tarts flavor, a new celebrity sex tape gets posted on the internet?
Don’t believe me?
Well recently Pop-Tarts introduced a new Mint Chocolate Chip flavor and recently TWO celebrity sex tapes have surfaced, a sex tape with Dustin Diamond, who played Screech from the TV show Saved by the Bell and another one involving Tickle Me Extreme Elmo.
Just like in a celebrity sex tape, when the Mint Chocolate Chip Pop-Tarts get toasted and warm, things get gooey, but that doesn’t necessarily make it a good thing. Good things also happen in a celebrity sex tape when certain things are frozen stiff and the same can be said about the Mint Chocolate Chip Pop-Tarts. I personally think they’re better hard and stiff than warm and gooey. As for its taste, it was as minty as a Girl Scouts Thin Mint, but not as good.
Now I did hours of research, looking back at correlations between new Pop-Tarts flavors and celebrity sex tapes. Of course, most of that time was spent re-watching some of the celebrity sex tapes over and over again, and sometimes playing them in slow motion, frame by frame.
Through those hours of research and a box of Kleenex, I learned celebrities don’t use condoms, people actually consider Tonya Harding a celebrity, Colin Farrell still looks like an asshole naked, I should never stand at the urinal next to Tommy Lee unless I want to feel inadequate, and I found more instances of celebrity sex tapes and new Pop-Tarts flavors being released at the same time.
In 2004, when the Paris Hilton sex tape became available, Kellogg’s released S’mores Pop-Tarts and Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts, both of which sound sexier and more erotic than the words, “Paris Hilton sex tape.”
In 2005, when Strawberry Milkshake Pop-Tarts were beginning to pop out of toasters, a sex tape with Colin Farrell and a former Playboy Playmate popped up its head, along with the heads of many others.
I’m sure there were also new Pop-Tarts flavors when the Tonya Harding sex tape and the Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee sex video were released, but I didn’t dig too deep into them because both videos scared me. The Tonya Harding sex tape was disturbing because it had Tonya Harding having sex in it and the Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee sex tape was unnerving because of Tommy Lee’s huge python-like wang.
Item: Mint Chocolate Chip Pop-Tarts
Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good, kind of like a Girl Scouts Thin Mint. Better frozen, but not toasted. Slow motion.
Cons: Not as good gooey. Standing at the urinal next to Tommy Lee. Screech sex tape. Tonya Harding sex tape. Paris Hilton sex tape.
Marvo? Seriously? Go on a date. Hahaha!
Hmmm…this is a favorite flavor of mine, but in a pop-tart just sounds strange. Maybe it would be ok frozen. I try and avoid pop-tarts except on mornings when I need a massive sugar rush.
They made Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts? Normally I think these things taste just like a freshly ripped cardboard box flappy, but I’m pretty sure I could choke one down that tasted like a hot fudge sundae.
Where’s Michael Chiklis’ celebrity porn video? Dammit, I never get what I want.
What kind of twisted mind would make a TME sex vid? Ewww.
How are things after the earthquakes? I hope you are ok.
PopTarts have so jumped the shark.
Future trendy PopTart flavors…put your bets down now.
— Guacamole
— Lime Chile
— Vanilla Mint
— Swiss Mocha
— Cilantro
— Mozarella and Basil
— Pumpkin Spice
— Green Tea
— Pomegranate
— Dr. Pepper Strawberries and Cream
the elmo prn was the best porn i have ever seen it was so frickin funny
maybe they’ll also make exxxtreme poptarts to give you energy , for um, your exxxtra-curricular activities
“Colin Farrell still looks like an asshole naked”
lmao! so true. he IS cute, but I can’t get past his gigantic ego enough to enjoy it.
Would you believe I just ate a pop tart for supper?!? See, this is why I should read my fav blogs in the morning. I’ll never look at a pop tart the same way again. Or Dustin Diamond. Where’s Mr. Belding with his wood ruler when you need him? Um…not THAT wood ruler. The other one.
Marvo, that could have been SO much sexier – what’s up, are you all sexed out? You been getting some??? I think somebody’s holding out on us….
New mattress? Pop tarts? Coincidence? I don’t THINK so!
IMO, Pop Tarts are a breakfast thing only, and making them Mint Chocolate is just wrong. Even the box looks dumb. Now, Mint Chocolate chip ice cream…ooooooooohhhhhh. I need a minute.
The Tickle Me Harder video was hilarious. I particularly loved the peeping Elmo in the window and how he got in on that hot muppet action.
kelloggs is a bad company who treats employees like shit. they also exploit children
mmm…. I’m a lover of pop tarts, but.. this one just doesn’t seem all that good to me. I think I’ll eat a couple now, but.. not those. Great use of linkage though. that elmo pron.. wow.
Peachy – I’m working on it!
Chuck – Kellogg’s is running out of flavors to come out with, but when they do come out with new flavors, I hope the celebrity sex tapes are worth it. Angelina Jolie?
Domokun – Wait! You want one with The Commish Chiklis? Or The Shield Chiklis?
Peachy – I would make a TME sex vid if someone else didn’t do it first. As for the earthquake, I’m fine. I just was bored the whole day without electricity.
Wednesday – POMEGRANATE!!!
graceless – Wow, you’re into really kinky stuff aren’t you? 😉
jenn – That would be exxxcellent.
Webmiztris – And he could totally kick my ass. Being in a dark alley with Colin Farrell and Russell Crowe is possibly a gay man’s wet dream, but it would definitely be a nightmare for me.
Erika – Pop-Tarts are good for breakfast, lunch, dinner, snack, or to throw at your computer screen when watching the Screech sex tape.
Melanie – If I were getting some, condom and sex toy reviews would be posted every other day. 🙂
Luck O’ the Irish – Um, I’m not sure what you’re getting at, but I’m not a celebrity and I definitely don’t have a sex tape. 🙂
Brie – “Hot muppet action,” just doesn’t sound as sexy as it should be.
db cooper – I heard Kathy Lee Gifford used to do the same things too.
Andy – I’m personally glad it wasn’t Bert and Ernie pr0n. 🙂
I really really really really really did not need to see a Tickle Me Elmo sex tape….:(
Zadillo – Sorry, but I told you to click with caution. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to watch it again in slow motion.
Just a side note: S’mores pop-tarts were not released in 2004. Trust me on this one; they’re my favorite flavor. I have been eating them since I was at least 5 or 6 years old and that was almost 15 years ago. It’s not really important to the review, but I still thought it was worth mentioning, just to give S’mores pop-tarts the proper recognition. LOL!
Heather – Don’t you mean the POPper recognition? HA! HA! HA! Get it? POPper! I suck. 🙁