I’ve been feeling invincible since the earthquake the other week that rocked these rocks in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Sure, there weren’t any serious injuries, but it felt like death was coming to my door, but I just slammed the door in its face, like it was an insurance salesman, trick-or-treater, Jehovah’s Witness, or Girl Scout.
Although having twelve hours without electricity felt like death, since I was extremely bored and forced to do things like read a book. Also, don’t get me started on taking a dump in the dark because it’s hard to see if you wiped enough.
Ever since then, I’ve been doing crazy things to try and cheat death.
On Tuesday, I drank a cola and ate Pop-Rocks AT THE SAME TIME, but it didn’t blow up my stomach like I was Star Jones at a Thanksgiving buffet.
On Wednesday, I made calls from my cell phone while pumping gas and it didn’t blow up the entire gas station.
On Thursday, I chanted “Bloody Mary” thirteen times in my dark bathroom facing the mirror and I didn’t get my face ripped off by Bloody Mary. Actually, she appeared, but I scared her away when I used this poem to try and pick her up, “Blood is red, my balls are blue. Love making between a human and ghost is not taboo.”
On Friday, I played Black Sabbath albums backwards, but I didn’t hear the Satanic messages that would make me want to kill myself, bite the head off of a bird, or buy a Kelly Osbourne album.
On Saturday, I played Paris Hilton’s album forward, but her breathy singing voice also didn’t make me want to kill myself. Although I will admit that I had thoughts of ignoring the old saying that you shouldn’t put anything smaller than your elbow in your ear.
On Sunday, I tried the not-so-new-although-they’re-advertising-them-as-new KFC Famous Bowl, which consists of 690 calories, 31 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 4.5 grams of trans fat and 2,110 milligrams of sodium. Basically, it’s a possible acute myocardial infarction in a five-inch diameter and two inch-deep plastic bowl.
Oh, but what a tasty possible acute myocardial infarction in a plastic bowl it is. The combination of a generous serving of cream mashed potatoes, a layer of sweet corn, bite-sized pieces of crispy chicken, three shredded cheeses, and KFC’s signature home-style gravy dumped on top, is dangerously delicious.
Along with it’s great taste, another good thing about the KFC Famous Bowl was the plastic spork and its six grams of dietary fiber. Although the 4.5 grams of really bad trans fat probably negates it.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go eat a spinach salad.
(Editor’s Note: If there aren’t any reviews after this one, please split my belongings among my three siblings. Also, I’d like a 24-carat solid gold urn.)
Item: KFC Famous Bowl
Price: $5.29 (combo)
Purchased at: KFC
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Dangerously delicious. Filling. Six grams of dietary fiber. The spork. Love making between a human and ghost is not taboo.
Cons: Totally unhealthy. 4.5 grams of trans fat. The corn seemed unnecessary. I probably won’t eat it ever again. Strange people who come to your door. Playing Paris Hilton’s album forward.
Honestly Marvo, at first glance, I thought it was a bowl of barf. They could dress it up a little nicer. That’s a lotta gravy.
As for cheating death, listening to K-Fed’s album is quite risky…so I’ve been told.
If you’re into bowls, I suggest the Denny’s Breakfast Bowls. You can now enjoy them without the racist undertones.
Glad you made it out the earthquake ok.
Brie – You know what they say about gravy, “Gravy makes everything tasty.”
um marvo, i love you. but you already knew that. i have been wanting to try that tasty bowl of fun for forever! but honestly, i’m afraid for my colon.
Well, Marvo, that KFC bowl may be tasty, but it sure doesn’t LOOK tasty. Actually, it kind of looks like the inside of a toilet bowl that hasn’t been flushed yet. Maybe they should call it the KFC Infamous Bowl instead.
“Blood is red, my balls are blue. Love making between a human and ghost is not taboo.â€
I am betting that is the funniest thing I read all week.
sheesh! I’ve eaten those bowls a few times but I had no idea how dreadfully fattening they were!
anyway, I’ve been wondering…. if those bowls are ‘new’, how can they also be ‘famous’?
jenn – Colon…okay. Arteries…iffy.
Chuck – Hey! I put that toilet bowl in my mouth, man! 😉
Lizzy – It’s only Monday. I’m betting you’ll read something funnier in the next five days.
Webmiztris – Oops, sorry to ruin it for you. To make up for it, I’ll buy you a salad. No, really. I will. Let me know.
Ooooh, no, that’s an evil bowl of sick no matter how scrum-delictable it really is or how much you tempt me to give it, at the very least, one good try. No sir.
Sounds tasty. I’ve been wanting to try it, but I know I won’t like the corn, seeing as I only eat corn on the cob. Also, this puny bowl can’t be nearly as potentially deadly as Hardee’s Monster Thickburger – and I’ve lived through TWO of those! Though, to be fair, I’m pretty sure I felt the fat coursing through my arteries both times.
By the way, why’s it seem so weird to butter and salt your corn when it’s in a bowl, but when it’s on the cob, it’s perfectly normal? One of life’s great mysteries.
Sometimes late at night I think about diving into a swimming pool sized bowl of KFC goodness. I think those bowls of heavenly hash are pretty terrific, even if they are clogging my arteries and giving me a reason to invest in Plavix.
OK, if you eat THAT in the dark, it wouldn’t look so gross. And the corn? Totally unnecessary.
I must also say that INFARCTION is an awesome word :o) You can use it in a sentence and make up your own verbs… “Marvo, were you completely infarcted by eating this bowl of fibrous, cheesy goo?”
The first person that dies of ecoli lived a couple minutes from my place of residence. (when I say a couple of minutes, I mean a couple of hours)
The KFC bowl, like all portion sizes at KFC, was too small.
If I were blind, or blindfolded, I might be able to eat that. It looks like something you’d find in a hospital after they pumped your stomach. But like most KFC things, it probably tastes better than it looks. Wonder if we’ll ever get it over here?
I love these, but the best one is the one that comes with a biscuit and the white gravy. Of course, I didn’t know I was eating the same amount of sodium that’s in a 5 lb. salt lick.
I’m tempted to try it now. At first.. I’ll admit, the concept of such a product scared me. And then.. it just looked disgusting. Although, maybe it’s better than it sounds. You’ve convinced me, I’ll give it a chance.
if you didnt know you can ask them to put mac n cheese instead of corn. i havent eaten it since. but oh was it good.
Domokun – The mashed potatoes are calling you.
Rhawb – I believe the Hardee’s Monster Thickburger, KFC Famous Bowl, Triple Whopper, and the Double Big Mac are the Four Horsemen of the Heart Attack.
Gman – As long as that KFC goodness isn’t the cole slaw because I assume that’s like swimming in a swamp.
Luck O’ the Irish – “Daniel ate a lot of beans and he felt infarctious.”
Muneer – KFC Snacker…way too small. But it makes me look big.
Mooselet – I dunno, maybe the Aussies will prevent it from coming since the US has banned Vegemite. 🙂
Clevegal42 – 5 pound salt lick…good for horses, good for a bathtub of popcorn, bad for humans.
Andy – Eat it with your eyes closed.
MoreDeath – I wonder how good it would taste if I stuck the whole thing in a blender and drank it through a straw?
That could work. Although.. I really like MoreDeath’s mac n cheese substitution concept. I will do this. 🙂
Oh Marv, despite your review; I will not be having one of these bowls or should they call it bowel movement because that’s what it looks like?
I love your poem, “Blood is red, my balls are blue. Love making between a human and ghost is not taboo.†You can call me anytime at 1-900-HOT-MILF and recite it to me! 😀
Andy – Mac ‘n cheese, corn, AND cole slaw. That would be repulsive.
Liz – Are you going to charge me $4.95 the first minute and then $2.95 for each additional minute?
Hmm…horsemen…you listed fast food products…Are you trying to tell me something about the meat in these things?
😛
Anyway, mmm, heart attack induced by greasy burger overdose…
Oh my god…that just looks nasty. Even in the commercial it just looks nasty. You would think that it looks better on TV, but noooo, it just looks like you’d die of a heart attack from just sniffing it. I admit that I like KFC, but not like this…not like this.
mmm….gravy….
The first time I had a bowl I thought that the sum was only equal to the parts but did not exceed it. Then, the second time I thought that it was a bit better because I think I had more gravy. The third time I felt like I was visiting a prostitute, since I knew the damn thing was bad for me and I knew that I would feel that I did something shameful by ordering one, but still I could not resist. BTW, I prefer my KFC prostitutes without corn. More room for gravy.
Hawaii has internet?
the corn is totally necessary. it’s like the sweet counterbalance to the gravy and the chicken! the first time i had this bowl, they made it for me without the corn. and by that time the line was too long and kfc was about to close. that made me mad.
the next time i had the complete flavors of the bowl. ahhh much better.
Eeewww and eeeeeeeeww and eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewww again. That looks vile. Like dog vomit. I don’t know if I could eat that with my eyes open. Did you go to KFC for that during the power outage, to avoid having to view it?
Holy mother of God. I think I just creamed myself. Yes, the bowl did look like dog turd mixed with vomit, but your description of what’s in it? Heaven. Pure, heaven. I think I know what I’m going to eat to ‘reward’ myself after a long run now.
oh man….man oh man oh man — this is food for when you just have totally given up. why don’t they just toss it in a blender and put it in a squeeze bag for us? why even bother chewing?
Rhawb – Better than heart attack induced by nude pictures of Star Jones.
Toni – Just think of it as the chicken and side dishes in a convenient bowl.
dramastically – mmm…gravy boat
Helldog – Corns on normal prostitutes also aren’t pretty.
Matt – We all have antennas on our grass shacks.
jenni – With corn being somewhat healthy, it seems out of place. I really wished for cole slaw, biscuits, or potato wedges on top of it.
Melanie – The only times I’ve ever seen dog vomit was after my neighbor’s dog ate grass. The vomit was green and the dog did it quite often. Maybe puking was its heroin.
Josie – You’ll eat it for a reward after a long run and then you’ll go on another long run as punishment for eating it. It’s the circle of life. 🙂
ultradave – I may just have to try that, once my arteries recover.
The presentation is terrible. No need to tell you what it looks like, but i’m sure it tastes good.
Kevin – It does taste good, but most importantly, I’m still alive.
Personally… after seeing that picture… I’d rather make love to Bloody Mary with the spork than eat that.
… Although it probabley doesn’t help that I’m a vegetarian. o.0
Heather Feather – Blood Mary with a spork…that sounds hott.
Very hott. Notice the two tt’s.
Heather Feather – I enjoy playing with the TT’s. 🙂
You know kfc uses sodium oxybate in their food, that’s why it’s so addictive!
Rofl. As do I. 🙂
anonymous – I don’t think KFC is addictive because of the sodium oxybate, I think it’s addictive because we’re all too lazy to cook.
Heather Feather – We have something in common. 🙂