The Shopping Cart #4

Marvo Reviews

The Shopping Cart takes a quick look at things that I’ve bought, but am too lazy to write a full review for.

What I’m Addicted To That Comes From Thailand, But Isn’t Heroin or Male Prostitutes

When I think of Thailand, and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t, I wonder many things, mostly its popularity as a sex tourism destination and if it’s a great place to get Thai spicy eggplant in garlic sauce.

Recently, Thailand pineapples have been on my mind, because I’ve been eating a lot of bags of the Mariani Pineapple Tango, which are dried mango-flavored Thailand pineapples. According to the all-knowing, but sometimes incorrect, Wikipedia, Thailand is a major exporter in the world rice market, and it’s also a big producer of tapioca, rubber, grain, sugar, and pineapples. It’s also a major importer of middle-aged, creepy, horny Caucasian men, looking to be loved long time.

Although the Mariani Pineapple Tango has an artificial mango taste, it tastes pretty gosh darn good. It looks like dried mango, tastes like dried mango, but it’s not mango, which sounds like some of the prostitutes in Thailand, which look like a woman, smell like a woman, but it’s not a woman.

With no fat, no cholesterol, and two grams of dietary fiber, it makes for a somewhat healthy snack. But the 25 grams of sugar per serving is a good reason to eat the Mariani Pineapple Tango with moderation. However, if you’re on a sex tour in Thailand, please do not use condoms in moderation, because where you go, is probably where dozens, possibly hundreds, have already been.

At $3.49, it’s a little pricey for a six-ounce bag of dried fruits here in the United States, but in Thailand that same $3.49 will get you a $3.49 hooker, unless it’s a male hooker, then it costs wayyyy more.

How do I know this?

Um….Wikipedia?

What I’m Eating That I Wish I Weren’t Eating

There are times that I regret being a quasi-product review blog editor.

One of those times happened after trying the Limited Edition Lucerne Chai Latte Light Yogurt, which I purchased from Safeway for 60 cents. After being disgusted by its horribly gross tangy spicy taste, I thought about walking away from the quasi-product review blog game, because I didn’t know whether my taste buds or my stomach could handle the punishment of another shitty product.

But after recovering from said shitty product, I thought if I’m not around to protect the innocent from horrible products, then who will?

Who will?

At first I thought the Limited Edition Lucerne Chai Latte Light Yogurt would be decent because its smell kind of reminded me of egg nog. However, a spoonful later, I really felt like gagging and going to the bathroom to pray to the porcelain gods.

As you can see on the packaging, it says “Chai Latte with other natural flavors.” I tried to figure out what those “natural flavors” were by dipping my spoon into the yogurt again and again, trying to consume as little yogurt as possible. Believe it or not, the taste was actually familiar to me and I began going through all the “natural” things I’ve put in my mouth over the years, including tree bark, pine cones, grass, dirt, leaves, twigs, and berries.

As I continued to ponder what was so familiar about the taste of the Limited Edition Lucerne Chai Latte Light Yogurt, I noticed the car air freshener that my friend Lana gave to me, which says, “Donating Blood Makes ‘Scents'” After the hamster in my head started running in its wheel, I quickly realized that the horrible spicy Chai Latte yogurt tasted almost exactly like how that car air freshener smells.

Sure it’s fat-free, has low-cholesterol, low-sugar, is a decent source of calcium, and contains live and active cultures, but it’s also got Splenda and it tastes like a car air freshener. I bought two of them, but both will be either thrown away or given to my worst enemy in a brown paper bag and set on fire on their doorstep.

23 thoughts to “The Shopping Cart #4”

  1. i heart mango. i heart pineapple. why do they have to go and have sex to make a mango flavored pineapple? and wouldn’t the hawaiian pineapples be better?!

    i do not, however, heart chai. barf.

  3. I normally like yogurt (especially plain yogurt so I can choose the flavours), but that kind sounds REALLY bad.

  4. Your review of the Thai fruit I’m left wondering two things: 1) why not just buy locally produced dried mangoes? 2) why wont Thailand KEEP the damned middle-aged, creepy, horny Caucasian men that they import?

    I again salute and pity you simultaneously for your valiant efforts and administering so many horrific things to yourself orally. I don’t trust house brands with any flavor more advanced than chocolate, vanilla, grape, and strawberry.(as I recall, Lucerne is the Safeway house brand, but I haven’t lived near one of those stores in years). For some reason their low-budget taste creators never seem able to perfect the subtleties that companies who really invest in their chefs can (like how Starbucks can make pumpkin spice carrot merengue or some such flavor actually work).

  7. Nicole – It was REALLY bad. It was REALLY bad. Note the bold letters, which makes it REALLY bad.

    L’il E – It’s probably significantly cheaper in Thailand. If there are $3.49 hookers, there must be 10 cent pineapple pickers. As for the middle-aged, creepy, horny Caucasian men, I guess the hookers aren’t loving them really long time.

    Webmiztris – Thank goodness it’s limited edition. I really wish it was extinct edition.

    Glitterati – I will taste test mounds and valleys, but probably won’t write a review about it.

  8. Thank you for enduring the nastiness of that yogurt, Marvo. The fact that’s it’s so spicy probably doesn’t help. I wouldn’t try it anyway; the only yogurt I eat is La Creme (by Dannon). It’s not as tart as the others.

    Although the cow on the label is very cute.

  10. Not that this has anything to do with anything, but Ben & Jerry’s briefly made this chai latte thing that was soooooooooo good. Seriously really good. And I’m sad that it’s extinct.

  12. Melanie – I guess I’ll have to go to Starbucks to get my chai latte fix. Boo!

    Chuck – I think that’s overpayment.

  13. Thanks for the Chai Yogurt review. It was very helpful, though I’m not sure I would have purchased chai-flavored yogurt in the first place. Now, microwaveable chai-flavored-yogurt would be a different story.

  14. Abi – If you found a magic lamp with a genie inside, I bet one of your three wishes would be to make EVERYTHING edible microwaveable. 🙂

  15. Hmm… Mariani Pineapple Tango equals yummy while Limited Edition Lucerne Chai Latte Light Yogurt purchased from Safeway tastes like air freshners…

    How about you put the Mariani Pineapple Tango IN the Limited Edition Lucerne Chai Latte Light Yogurt (purchased from Safeway)… it might balance out the yuckiness. You could call it “Marvo’s Limited Edition Pineapple Tango Chai Latte Light Yogurt: Medicorely Delicious.”

    And on the back a warning: “Produced In Air Freshener Factory”

  16. P.S. I feel obligated to let you know that since I’ve found your site, I have been spending all my work hours reading your reviews.

    So when I get fired for incompetence, I’m hunting you down in Hawaii and crashing on your couch since I’ll get kicked out for not paying room and board.

    Why must your reviews be so damn fascinating????

  17. Heather Feather – Well fortunately for you, I have two couches you could crash on AND two natural foods stores within walking distance.

  20. Heather Feather – Well one of those couches folds out into a bed. Although, if you get fired, how are you going to pay for the ticket that gets you here? It’s not like you can hitchhike across the ocean. 🙂

    K – It is addictive, like the TV show Heroes.

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