Interviewer: Today, I’m speaking with the one and only Comfort Wipe. Thank you for coming.
Comfort Wipe: Thanks for having me. Do you need me to wipe your crack?
Interviewer: No, I’m fine.
Comfort Wipe: Well if you need to, just let me know.
Interviewer: Thanks. I appreciate that. So how did you get started with helping people wipe their asses?
Comfort Wipe: I guess it was just something I was born to do. Personally, I think in a previous life, I must’ve done some horrible things and as punishment I was reincarnated into a Comfort Wipe. I guess some folks get reincarnated into cockroaches and others become tools specifically made to wipe asses.
Interviewer: Help me imagine the type of person who would need you. Who are your clients?
Comfort Wipe: I deal mostly with those who are unable to reach down there, like disabled people who have limited dexterity. When it comes to helping them, I feel like I’m doing some good in the world and building up karma so that if I get reincarnated again I’ll end up being a beautiful butterfly or something that doesn’t involve being in between butt cheeks. Although I think that won’t be happening for a long time since I’m made out of a plastic that will take forever to decompose.
Interviewer: But what about those who aren’t disabled? What are your thought about you being marketed to those who don’t seem to need it?
Comfort Wipe: I don’t understand it. Are there people out there so prudish that they’re afraid to wipe their own asses? Sure, occasionally, the toilet paper can rip and your finger can accidently end up in your butt hole, and cleaning up after a bad case of diarrhea can get messy, but those instances are so rare, unless you have crappy toilet paper or eat Taco Bell every single day.
Interviewer: So how do you work?
Comfort Wipe: Well, take about three sheets of toilet paper and fold it in half. Take one end of the folded toilet paper and put it into my mouth. Then take the other end, wrap it around my head and also place that end into my mouth. My mouth will keep it in place. Then take my head in between your legs, with my mouth facing down, place it near your anal area and then wipe. Thankfully, because my mouth is facing in the opposite direction, I can’t toss your salad, even though I spend just as much time in between butt cheeks as someone’s bitch in prison.
Interviewer: Once we’re done wiping, how do we get rid of the toilet paper stuck to you?
Comfort Wipe: Just press the button on the top of the handle and my mouth will let go of both ends of the toilet paper. You may have to shake me a little since my head is made from a rubber-like material that has some tackiness to it.
Interviewer: How effective are you at cleaning down there?
Comfort Wipe: If you were to use your hands, you’d get a more thorough cleaning. I’m not saying this because I don’t like being jammed in between a person’s buttocks. But I’ve got court-side seats to what goes on down there so I know how effective I am and, to be honest, I don’t get you 100 percent clean. If you’re anal retentive, pun intended, you definitely won’t be satisfied. Also, if you’re using me to clean down there, you’ll probably end up using more toilet paper than if you were doing things by hand.
Interviewer: So you’re kind of a pain in the ass? Pun intended.
Comfort Wipe: It seems so. Another thing I should point out is that it’s suggested that I be cleaned after each use, but I can’t be immersed in water. Instead I should be cleaned with a moist wipe or a soft disposable cloth and mild soap, and then dried off with a soft disposable towel.
Interviewer: Wow. That seems extremely wasteful.
Comfort Wipe: Yes, it is.
Interviewer: One final questions. Is there anything you would like to say?
Comfort Wipe: All I want to say is, I’m sorry for whatever I did in my past life to become reincarnated as a Comfort Wipe.
(Note: If you’d like to see a video of this interview, it’s embedded below.)
Item: Ideaworks Comfort Wipe
Price: $9.99
Size: 15.75 inches
Purchased at: Amazon
Rating: 7 out of 10 (for those with limited dexterity)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (for almost everyone else)
Pros: Good for those people with limited dexterity. Toilet paper securely stays on. Unique release button to dispose of toilet paper. Tacky grip helps prevent it from slipping in your hands.
Cons: Won’t make you 100 percent clean. Being reincarnated as a Comfort Wipe. A pain in the ass to clean. You may end up using more toilet paper than usual. Unable to toss salad. Eating Taco Bell every single day.
Not only are these great for wiping your own ass, but they also come in handy when you are wiping other peoples’ asses.
Oh my gosh Marvo that was sooooo funny! Just made my morning lol. Thank you! How did you end up getting one of them? I though you said they were discontinued.
Why can’t you submerge it in water? Will it melt of something?
Too funny!
Thanks again!
Maybe someone will buy one of these as a sex toy, and then it will have some fun times.
Pretty handy gadget for cleaning out the old crevice. Great video I almost died laughing watching the interview, and then I watched the advertisement and spit my milk everywhere.
This may be even more disgusting than the Jackass 2 movie I watched last night with stupid idiot guy eating cow dung for cash.
Marvo, your video was funny on purpose, but I have a special place in my heart for the infomercial idiots who make me laugh by accident.
They are also missing out on a huge market, the over-muscled gym guys who can’t bend their arms anymore.
Teehee, when I read about this on the Infomercial Hell blog, I laughed so hard I almost peed (come to think of it, that would have made Comfort Wipe suprisingly useful). You’re a brave man, indeed.
Haha, great interview and video!
Yeah, what Erin said….I thought these were not actually sold….how’d you get one?
Now here’s the real question….did you actually use it?
Oh wow you actually got one… and I now know I will never ever get one!
Sir, you have reached new great heights with this review. Some may call them new lows, but I’m pretty sure it’s great heights.
WTF?????????!
This comfort wipe seems to be some sort of a fudge packer or a dildo who knows but i know one thing itsnot going in my Ahole. or near my hinny hole
THAT IS ALL ! !
Man this would be the worst reincarnation ever I’m sure it will do sombody with limited mobility some good, but I think just reading that sombody had created this gave me a sad*
This reminds me of that gag gift that’s a large towel that’s half white and half brown, with the white half labeled “face” and the brown half labeled “butt.” Except for those who really need this item, due to disability, this seems like overkill. If you’re a perfectly healthy person who just doesn’t want to wipe their own ass clean, then you’re doing something wrong. Not to mention, if it doesn’t get you fully clean anyway, you’re gonna have to either do some manual manipulation, turn the sink into a bidet, or just deal with the really heinous skid marks you’re gonna get.
This is the finest piece of investigative journalism I have ever seen.
Hmmm well I guess there is a product for everyone, but still this somehow just seems wrong.
Wrong video!!! I wanna see mr comfort wipe in USE!! lol
Another fine example of you sacrificing yourself for your constituency.
I can’t imagine people with limited dexterity using this – I would think they would be laughing to hard to even get the dumb thing loaded.
One question though – if I’m going to have to clean it with a moist wipe, why don’t I just shove the moist wipe in the Comfort Wipe’s mouth instead of TP? That way I clean myself and the Comfort Wipe in one wipe.
Hilarious. Don’t listen to them Marvo…please. DO NOT SHOW COMFORT WIPE IN USE!
Great post.
I wonder how many people actually use the Comfort Wipe for what it’s intended for?
@rob: I hope that I never have to wait another person to ass, except my future children. But once I show them how to do it, they’re on their own.
@Erin: I think it’s from a different company than the one from the website, but they look the same and have the same name. As for submerging it in water, I think they’re afraid of water getting into it because I think it works by pumping air through it. And I think water might damage the seals that make it airtight.
@Chuck: I don’t know about that because its head is kind of tacky, so they would probably need a lot of lubrication.
@InTheCheeks: That advertisement was pretty funny but also inaccurate because they improperly use it. They put the toilet paper on wrong and they made it look so non-ergonomic.
@Yum Yucky: No, I would think someone eating cow dung is a lot more disgusting.
@grinder: You make a good point. How do muscle men who can bend their arms anymore wipe their asses. I know. Maybe their butt muscles are so strong that they flex them clean.
@Devika: I’m not brave. I just had $9.99 lying around.
@Bear Silber: I believe this comfort wipe it from a different company, so that’s why I was able to get my hands on one. And yes, I really did use it.
@lex: Maybe I’ll give away the one I have in a prize drawing and you’ll end up winning it.
@Bryan: No, I consider it a new low.
@Chip: WTF indeed!
@Neil the hammer: We shall see.
@Woodenhand: I do think it’s useful but marketing it to everyone seems a bit silly.
@Rowen: Oh skidmarks, you are the reason why I don’t wear white underwear anymore.
@Anna: I guess taking the one journalism class in college helped.
@The Crisper: Until you can’t wipe your own ass, then it will be right.
@ncol: If I made that video, it would be extremely blurry or have a huge black box. So it wouldn’t be worth it for viewers. Maybe I should get a mannequin.
@Clevegal42: That does make sense. I guess that would work. I would try it, but I don’t have any moist wipes. Also, I think the OCD side of me would want to clean it more.
@Ryan: Don’t worry, I won’t. If I were to do that, I would have to charge people.
@Fat Fudge: I better question to ask might be, how many people bought the comfort wipe?
Marvo,
I just wanted to thank you because this review has been the only thing to make me laugh in a week! (let me tell you this week has sucked!)
THANK YOU
@Gigi: I’m glad I was able to make you laugh.
Thank you Marvo, now when I go to the bathroom I say to myself, “Hmm…I wonder if the Comfort Wipe would do a better job?”
My grandmother had to use one of these after she had hip replacement surgery. It’s better than asking someone else to wipe for you. srsly.
Oh my GOD, Marvo you are the fucking man!
I feel that I have been unjustly maligned in this interview.
When I sat down with marvo, I was under the impression
that he truly wanted to get to know the heart and soul
of me, what it truly meant to spend hours a day between the butt cheeks of the common man and women.
What it felt like to bond and become intimate with dingle berries, only to experience the horrifying loss of hundreds of new friends with the click of a button and the flush of the toilet, my own personal dingle berry Titanic experienced day after day.
He left out the screams of pain and suffering the hemorrhoids thatI try to comfort with a two-ply and their heartbreaking pleas for Preparation H. instead, marvo wrote a snarky, tongue in cheek interview
That has made the laughing stock of the fecal industry, even the dog poo Be-gone stick and the race track protective underwear liners for men snicker at me.
You will be hearing from my lawyer.
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH.
Awesome!
Sorry for the pain and suffering Mr. C.W.
@Kayla: I don’t know if it will do a better job, but it will do a creepier job.
@PM4444: I want a bidet.
@Zac Pritcher: No, I just had $10 to spend and a lot of time on my hands. 🙂
@Mr. Comfort Wipe: So I guess the fecal industry is shitting on you. I so find that ironic. 🙂
Man, for some reason I find that thing very disturbing.