REVIEW: Stride Spark Gum (Kinetic Fruit & Kinetic Mint)

WOOO!!! I am sooooo wired, mofos!

You better not light a match near me right now because I’mma erupt! So I don’t need you Stride Spark and your pitiful 25 percent of my daily intake of vitamins B6 and B12. I don’t care if it comes in two flavors — Kinetic Fruit and Kinetic Mint. You know who’s kinetic right now? I AM! I’mma go run five miles in 30 minutes. BOOM! I’ll be right back.

(30 minutes later)

WOOO!!! I’m back, mofos!

My heart right now is beating like I just shared a mountain of cocaine with Charlie Sheen and a couple of pornstars. How did I get so frickin’ wired? Yo man, I started off my day with a Red Bull, supplemented it with an 8-hour energy shot. Then I supplement the 8-hour energy shots with a couple of sugar-free Red Bulls and some weird, expensive Chinese herbal green tea that has some bits of an animal’s penis in it. I don’t know which animal it is, but my guess is that it’s a cheetah, but it’s more likely a small monkey or cow. After the 8-hour energy shot wears off, I taper off and calm down with a 5-Hour Energy shot, supplementing it with a can of Pepsi Max. By the time it’s three in the morning, I’m ready to go to sleep and start my day again in four hours.

You can’t keep up with me, Stride Spark. WOOO!!!

Twenty-five percent is pocket change to me. To get 25 percent of my daily vitamin B6 and B12, all it need to do is take a quick sippy sip of a 5-Hour Energy, which has 2,000 percent vitamin B6 and 8,333 percent of vitamin B12. WOOO!!! Stride Spark can’t compete with that, even if I chewed on all 14 pieces in the pack at the same time. Heck, I don’t even know how long I need to chew on the gum to get the 25 percent. Actually, I probably do know. Because I chew like a buzzsaw when I’m totally wired, it would probably take me a minute.

Because I’m so wired and get things done quickly, I had some time to give both Stride Spark flavors a spin.

Kinetic Fruit is a little harsh for the first few chews, like I’m chewing on a tropical air freshener, but it gets to something palatable quickly. I’m not sure what artificial and natural fruit flavors they stuck in it, but I do detect a bit of citrus. Kinetic Mint has good, but mild peppermint flavor that makes you wonder if it’s powerful enough to vaporize the stank from your mouth. After chewing on it for a few minutes it begins to have a slight medicinal taste to it, like I’m chewing on a Tums. Both gums were soft from beginning to end and both flavors are decent, although I prefer Kinetic Fruit over Kinetic Mint, but I think the flavor gets muted quicker than other Stride gum I’ve had. This is strange for a Stride gum, which prides itself on being the long lasting gum and usually is.

If you’re a regular drinker of energy products, Stride Spark probably won’t help you, because it didn’t help me. I’m also skeptical about it working for those who aren’t regular consumers of energy products because I don’t think it contains enough B vitamins to give them a boost.

Man, those last few paragraphs were a bit mellow. I think I need a little stimulation. Time for some weird, expensive Chinese herbal green tea that has some bits of a cheetah’s penis in it.

WOOO!!! That’s the stuff!

(Nutrition Facts – 1 piece – less than 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 1 gram of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 1 gram of sugar alcohol, 0 grams of protein, 25% vitamin B6, and 25% vitamin B12.)

Other Stride Spark Gum reviews:
Gum Alert

Item: Stride Spark Gum (Kinetic Fruit & Kinetic Mint)
Price: $1.44 each
Size: 14 pieces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Kinetic Fruit)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Kinetic Mint)
Pros: Something to chew when you need something to chew. If you don’t get enough B vitamins, it might help. Both have decent flavor, but I prefer Kinetic Fruit over Kinetic Mint. 8-hour energy shots. Running five miles in 30 minutes.
Cons: Doesn’t seem to be as long lasting as other Stride Gums. Won’t provide a boost for those who regularly consume energy products. Not sure if there’s enough B vitamins to provide a boost for others. Kinetic Mint tastes like Tums after chewing on it for a while. Kinetic Fruit tastes like a tropical air freshener during the first couple of chews. Drinking tea made with bits of animal penis. Having to share a mountain of cocaine with Charlie Sheen.