REVIEW: Taco Bell XXL Steak Nachos

XXL may be the shirt size you’ll wear if you eat Taco Bell’s new XXL Steak Nachos everyday. Also, the colors your bowels will release after eating one will probably rival a Dario Argento horror classic.

XXL is an appropriate description for these steak nachos. The damn box it comes in is a foot long! The thing weighs almost a pound!! When the drive-thru lady handed the nachos over to me, she had to bend her arm slightly!!! I have penis envy looking at the length of this container!!!!! How many exclamation points can I stuff in this paragraph?!!!!

I felt like I was buying a box of cereal from Taco Bell, that’s how mammoth the plastic container was. I know I’m supposed to talk about the food but I was obsessed how large this was. I felt like Dr. Michio Kaku pointing out, “Here’s our sun and now here’s our sun compared to a red giant!” My wife and I were stunned at the size of it as it sat imposingly on our coffee table.

Some of the promotion materials urge you to “Dig in.”

With what? A shovel?

I’m going to describe this as eloquently as I can because I’m guessing the photos cannot do any better than my words. The blobs of sour cream and guacamole look small because they are dwarfed by the amount of tortilla chips you get.

First, you have a heap (imagine Linus jumping in a pile of raked leaves kinda-heap) of warm tortilla chips. Then a plop of refried beans mixed in, followed by another larger plop of Velveeta-like nacho cheese, then an ice cream scoop plop of suspiciously bright green guacamole, followed by another plop of low-fat sour cream (Low fat? Does it really matter now, Taco Bell?), then a modest amount of pico de gallo, a conservative dash of shredded cheese, and a paltry amount of steak. It’s sort of like a food bell curve or an edible example of diminishing returns.

Nachos are one of the comfiest foods I can think of, right up there with cheese fries. They taste awesome when you’re sitting on the couch alone. They work just as well as communal food when you’re watching a game with your friends at a wing house. And I suppose…perfect for a party, if you’re throwing a nachos kind of party, which I never do. I feel nachos are a sacred dish and while the preparation is simple, it’s just as easy to fuck up.

I hate to say this folks, but what we have here is a gigantic pile of fuck up.

First, I’m not a fan of this nacho Velveeta-like cheese, but even with that, the consistency should be velvety and smooth. Like most things fun and dirty, the right viscosity is important. My cheese was dribbly and wet. The chips soon drooped as the cheese engulfed them slowly. I’m not even sure why there are little flecks of real cheese except to cheese-tease me with what this could have been. The sprinkling of the cheese was sparse; I think I only got two of the supposed three cheese blend.

However, I’m enamored with Taco Bell’s sour cream. I could write whole sonnets and monologues on this stuff or as I’ve declared before, brush my teeth with it. Yet, the consistency of the sour cream on my nachos were also too wet. The guacamole tasted slightly off, almost metallic, like the tub of green stuff you buy in the supermarket because you’re too impatient to wait for that Hass avocado to ripen.

The duo of these wet globs weighed on the nachos so much that it transformed into a piss poor cheese soup. Honestly, the flavors were just okay but they overwhelmed the pico de gallo which was easy to do since the amount of pico had no chance in the guac and sour cream storm. Oh, but I haven’t even gotten to the star of the XXL nachos, the steak.

I love red meat. I love steak. I will eat the hell out of a rare steak. I’ve drunkenly eaten a raw NY strip out of the fridge twice. I dream of those cartoons where they would tantalize a rabid dog with those oversized T-bone steaks. I’m also a realist, and I know the steak you’re going to get at Taco Bell is not one you would even get at a Perkins diner.

Even with my expectations lower than my father’s credibility, I was floored. You know those beef nuggets you can buy in that slick pouch by the beef jerky section? The steak had the texture and tasted just like it. It was as if the Taco Bell guy back there shook the remaining amount out of his bag he was eating from. There was an artificial smokiness, which I guess supplanted the grilled flavor. Also, thankfully in this case, there were so few of these nuggets. Or maybe they got lost in the condiments. It seems XXL does not mean the quantity of beef on these extra extra large nachos.

All the flavors together did not mesh well either. The artificial smoke from the steak and subpar guacamole ruined it. It was like sucking on pennies and chewing on Slim Jims. I’m all for fast food that is bad for you, but not fast food that tastes bad.

Now one good thing, besides never ordering these again, was the tortilla chips. These familiar triangles were warm, salty, and crispy until the tsunami of condiments drowned them. I’m all for slothsome gluttony, which we just experienced for Thanksgiving (unless you were the ones who stood in line to save $50 to buy a tablet so you can play Angry Birds or Fruit Ninja 3), but who likes to over-indulge if it’s mediocre?

I think the adjective Taco Bell uses, XXL, primes you for up for a good time with these nachos. It’s just too bad because these left me XXL disappointed, just like my imposing family does every Thanksgiving.

(Nutritional Facts – 1160 calories, 61 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 70 mg of cholesterol, 2140 mg of sodium, 115 grams of carbohydrates, 16 grams of dietary fiber, 7 grams of sugar, and 38 grams of protein.)

Item: Taco Bell XXL Steak Nachos
Purchased Price: $5.99
Size: A huge box
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: The chips were warm and seasoned well. The box was amusing. Perfect viscosity. Comfort foods. Wing houses. Beef jerky nuggets, just not in my nachos. Dr. Michio Kaku and Perkins diners, together in one place.
Cons: Condiments didn’t hold up and made the chips droopy. Metallic tasting guacamole. Wrong viscosity. Tired of Black Friday updates on the news Thanksgiving night…enough already!