When I sat down to write my review of the new Taco Bell Cap’n Crunch Delights, I told myself I was going to avoid doing two things.
“Self,” I began with a stern but encouraging tone. “Longtime TIB readers know you have a bad habit of falling back on overstated nautical puns and maritime references when describing Cap’n Crunch and its variants. Stop being such a lazy writer and get off your crutch.”
(Lest you forget, take a look at the gem in the tenth paragraph of this review.)
“Oh, and while you’re at it,” the voice scolded. “Do not, under any circumstance, mention your theories about judging the merits of a fried product on the aftertaste of the burp you burp up two hours after eating.”
But after thinking about the Cap’n Crunch Delights and inadvertently burping up the unmistakably heavy taste of fried dough, I’ve concluded each of these goals is impossible. So I’m sorry; the Cap’n made me do it.
Bearing an uncanny resemblance to tiny pieces of coral growing on, say, a sunken treasure ship, the delights are far from appetizing to look at. Bristling with tiny pieces of crushed up Crunch Berries cereal, they smelled unmistakably like a donut hole and little like Cap’n Crunch, while one piece had a not-so-subtle hole leaking a loose goo from its oily hull (caused from a clumsy broadside, no doubt.)
Taco Bell describes these as “light” and “fruity” but I thought they tasted heavy, oily, and remarkably synthetic. The outside coating only tasted a little like Crunch Berries; there was a vague fruity flavor but nothing remarkable or memorable, and certainly not that coconut oil aftertaste and brown sugar sweetness of Cap’n Crunch.
By far the dominant flavor was fried dough, and not in a light and airy way like a traditional donut hole. Nope, these “delights” were saturated in more surface oil than that which was left by the Exxon Valdez. The aftertaste—including that burped up aftertaste one experiences after happy hour at the Taco Bell soda machine—is strongly of fried dough; unmistakably heavy and in no way fruity at all.
I was really looking forward to the gooey and “creamy” milk center, mostly because all the promo shots featured this really cool image of the filling suspended in midair, making it look like some grand accomplishment of food science and engineering. In actuality the filling is loose and runny, more like a melted coating of confectioner’s sugar and milk.
Frankly the warmth of the filling is off-putting. I mean who eats cereal in warm milk? Hello McFly! And the hyper-sweet flavor tastes way too much of stabilizers and not enough like something which may have, at one point or another, come from a cow. I felt like the sweetness needed some creamy richness for balance, but all the delights offer is a heavy flavor and oily texture.
I’m all for cobranding a mashups, and I get the fact that crappy cereal sales might spur the Cap’n to sail his ship with a millennial-savvy fleet like Taco Bell, but the Cap’n Crunch Delights are neither delightful nor crunchy, nor are they milky or fruity. Mostly they’re just plain bad, even by the standards of cheap fast food.
With any luck the Cap’n will be able to right his course and try the whole donut cobranding thing again, although next time I’m going to pray he doesn’t leave the helm to a Tex-Mex fast food chain.
(Nutrition Facts – 2 delights – 170 calories, 0 calories from fat, 11 grams of fat, 2.5 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 105 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 7 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)
Item: Taco Bell Cap’n Crunch Delights
Purchased Price: $1.09
Size: 2-pack
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: Larger than an average donut hole. Inexpensive. Huzzah for cobranding!
Cons: Oversaturated in frying oil. Not crunchy. Poor Crunch Berry coverage. Doesn’t really taste like Crunch Berries, unless you eat your Crunch Berries in frying oil. Warm milk-like substances. My complete and utter failure as a writer.
Just had these. Thought it was okay but not stellar. I was thinking of using crunch berries ground and folded in the mixture.
They look like Testicles.
Glistening wet and dipped in bread crumbs ….
had em yesterday… eh, not the worst. they reminded me of Pillsbury Toaster Strudels with less fruit taste and more icing
Now this is one delight I’m glad is not in CANADA…ewwwwww…yuck…looks …getting chills …double yuck!
THIS shit is the worst thing I put in my mouth omg WHAT THE FUCK NIGGA U IS THEY FUCKEN SERIOUS!!
Please leave the urban vocabulary at the bus station. Mommy, daddy, and the headmaster at your private school would not approve.
lol someone uses slang so they must be ignorant
this guy probably walks across the street when he sees more than two people with dark skin in a group
Pretty much the same opinions. I posted this on Brandeating, but the thing has an awful taste as it stands, it is greasy, not enough milk filling. It was horrible, but I didn’t like the cinnabon ones because they were too cinnamony, but those are a godsend compared to these. You can shake off the cinnamon-sugar. This one is just horrible.
Oh my God. Those look horrifying.
I actually loved their texture, but then again, I’ll love just about anything fried. That being said, these had a very strange artificial taste in my opinion (perhaps from the food coloring), and could have used more cream inside. I really wanted to like these more than I did, but I’ll be sticking to their original Cinnabon Delights for the time being!
You just saved me a boatload of calories. These had me drooling at first site, but your review has made me lose all interest and saved me from disappointment.
Thanks!
What the hell is this even?
Seriously. Those alien looking Doritos Pastries I got from the 7-11 nearby had better presentation than these. These look like a ball of coughed up distended yarn. Who in the -right side of sunny hell- came up with this?
Looks like balls with jizz oozing out. Their presentation of the ad looks better. But, so does all their other food and other fast food chains. Looks better in the ads than in person.
Totally agree with the review. Greasy and oily with little hint of crunch berries. These would make state fair food seem light and healthy.
I had a similar experience too. Initially they are a neat surprise, then the sadness washes over you and you realise what you are eating and wonder where all your innocence went.
I would LOVE to get these. Asap.
They are awesome
These are gross. You also paid too much. 2 pack is $0.99 in NYC, 4 for $1.69. Anyway, back to the “food”, and I use the term loosely. Absolutely nasty. And I normally love Taco Bells snacks. The Cinnabon Delights are very similar, same filling, except about a million times better. These are just bad. They taste like stale cereal, with a disgusting texture. Ick. Won’t be buying these again
I actually thought they were really good , not too healthy but oh well neither is anything else at taco bell
DISGUSTING COULDNT EVEN FINISH ONE
They are really good I eat them every night with a glass of milk
Idk what the hell everyone else is eating but I love them
They are the shizz
Gave them benefit of doubt by trying again…same as the first but worse. Both types of delights OILY OILY OILY….captain crunch ones just not what you’d think as far as berry taste and the filling? Where is it half of them were hollow or it seemed liquid with grease. Overpriced for sure really they are rather tiny for the price. Putting price aside product is just nasty ball of drenched oily sugar oil with more grease…and a little more greese….and oil..YUCK TACO BELL …FRY AGAIN!
I tried these today bit into one and the cream ran down my chin onto my shirt. Instantly the movie Van Wilder came to mind (The dog, the eclair) I started gaging and almost threw up. Terrible waste of money.
I actually love these things… I wait til after I eat my lunch, and sometimes have them as an afternoon snack after they’ve had time to cool… I think they’re amazing!!! I love the little cap’n crunch crumbs on the outside!!! Everyone one that I’ve eaten has not been oily at all. Moist, yes, from the yummy inside of them. I hope these stay around forever!!