Apple iLife ‘05

I’m sure all of you have faced the following situation: Having waaaay too much porn.

You know what it’s like with gigabytes of pictures and movies. There’s so much of it that it’s hard to keep track of everything. I’m sure you have labeled folders all over the place full of porn and so did I. However, thanks to iLife ’05 that has all changed.

If you’re a Mac user you’re probably familiar with iLife, which is a suite of Mac-only software used to create, organize, edit, and share your digital media (photos, music, video, etc). If you have iLife, you’ve probably used it to organize and edit things like your family vacation pictures or your child’s birthday videos.

But I’ve learned it’s also great for organizing porn.

iLife ’05 consists of five applications:

1. iMovie HD – Used for editing digital video
2. iPhoto 5 – Used for organizing, editing, and printing digital photos
3. iDVD 5 – Used for burning dynamic DVDs
4. iTunes 4.7 – Used for managing your legal and illegal music files
5. GarageBand 2 – Used by non-musically inclined people, like myself, to make crappy music

Almost every one of these applications has helped me organize my porn and make it readily available when I want it or when I’m feeling lonely.

Let’s start with iMovie HD.

iMovie HD is great for editing homemade porn movie, because it’s so easy to use. With it I can easily take out all the awkward moments like her screaming out someone else’s name or her faking an orgasm REALLY badly. I can also edit all the boring cuddling and talking that happens before and after getting it on.

One of the newest features of iMovie HD is the ability to edit high-definition video, hence the HD part. Unfortunately, there aren’t any cheap high-definition cameras available, which might be a good thing because without high-definition I don’t look good at all, so imagine how bad I’ll look with high-definition.

With iPhoto 5 I can easily arrange the tens of thousands of pictures on my hard drive by making different albums. I can create an album for brunettes, blondes, redheads, Asians, lesbians, hardcore, threesomes, midgets, and a whole lot more.

A new feature in iPhoto 5 is the ability to store your downloaded videos within iPhoto 5. It sure is easier than the dozens of folders I have, which are organized alphabetically by the pornstar’s name. If the file is a Quicktime or MPEG file, iPhoto 5 will be able to store them. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work for Windows Media Video files.

Now with iDVD 5 I can burn the movies I edited onto a DVD so I can view them with the DVD player in the living room or I can send them to friends. Also in iDVD 5, I can create slideshows of the thousands of photos I have in iPhoto 5 and burn those slideshows onto a DVD.

As for iTunes and GarageBand…Um, there really isn’t any use for them when it comes to organizing porn. However, I did make a crappy 70’s porn soundtrack using GarageBand.

Item: Apple iLife ‘05
Purchase Price: $79.00
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Great for organizing porn. iPhoto is much faster for viewing the thousands of photos I have. iMovie will be great for editing high-definition porn. GarageBand allows me to create all the crappy 70’s porn music I want.
Cons: iTunes and GarageBand don’t have any uses when organizing porn. Mac-only software. iPhoto doesn’t store Windows Media Video files. Previous version of iLife was $49.