I’m an awesome kisser.
After years of practicing with my pillow, hand, and 8×10 photos of Angelina Jolie, I have taught myself to apply the perfect amounts of pressure, sucking, and tongue playing, when making out with a woman.
I’ve done exercises that make my lips softer, help me efficiently control my breathing through my nose, make my jaw stronger for longevity, and make my tongue flick faster and longer. I’ve read numerous articles on the art of kissing, like this one, this one, and this one.
I’m a kissing master. A black-belt kisser. The Sultan of Smooching. The King of Kissing. The Heavyweight Champion of Kissing.
If you don’t believe me, ask my 8×10 photos of Angelina Jolie.
Oh, but don’t ask the first girl I ever kissed, because that was one sloppy saliva mess I’d like to forget about. It was so bad, she broke up with me a couple of days later.
Anyway, how many of you have seen the commercial for Dentyne Fire?
If you haven’t seen it, it goes like this: A girl introduces her boyfriend to her parents. While boyfriend is talking to parents, girl pops a Dentyne Fire in her mouth. After chewing for a little bit, she gets horny as hell and jumps her boyfriend, right in front of her parents. Seeing this, the girl’s mom pops a Dentyne Fire and then jumps her husband.
The bottom line: Dentyne Fire will make you horny.
Of course, this can’t be true. It’s like saying spinach will instantly give me superhuman strength and help me attract flat-chested women.
To prove it isn’t true, I’ll chew a Dentyne Fire.
(Pops one into mouth)
Mmm…Nice cinnamon bite…OH! Excuse me…
(Eight hours and one pack of Dentyne Fire later)
Wow, I guess I’m going to have to buy some new pillows and 8×10 photos of Angelina Jolie. Heh, heh!
Now I don’t know if it was the Dentyne Fire or Debbie Gibson’s Playboy photo shoot that kept me busy for the past eight hours, but all I know is that I’m out of Dentyne Fire and Valentine’s Day is over. This means I can’t follow through with my plans to get a woman to kiss me on Valentine’s Day using the Dentyne Fire and then take her breath away using my well-practiced kissing techniques.
Oh well, there’s always next Valentine’s Day.
Item: Dentyne Fire
Purchase Price: $1.29
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Spicy. Cinnamon. May make you horny. I AM an awesome kisser.
Cons: Flavor lasts as long as any other gum.