Oh yeah, baby! A Wheaties pill!
I knew this day would come, but I never expected it so soon. Finally, thanks to science, someone has figured out a way to condense a whole bowl of cereal into the form of a pill. It’s a frickin’ meal-in-a-pill.
It’s a frickin’ scientific breakthrough!
No need for milk, a bowl, a spoon, or a bib. No more soggy flakes. No need to recycle bowls and spoons out of the kitchen sink, because you’re too lazy to wash them. No more wasted cereal because you poured into the bowl milk that expired a week ago.
I can finally bypass the bland taste of Wheaties, but still get all the vitamins and minerals.
Oh, wait…
(Actually reads label)
Dammit! This isn’t a scientific breakthrough. It’s just a regular multivitamin, except it has the word “Wheaties” on it. Maybe I should start reading the labels on drugs before I buy them or stop taking generic NyQuil.
Damn you, generic NyQuil!
Anyway, now that I know the Wheaties Multivitamin isn’t a meal-in-a-pill, I have a lot of questions about it and I’m sure you have a lot of the same questions. So below are my attempts to answer some of those questions.
Question 1: Does it taste like Wheaties?
Answer 1: No, they taste as bitter as any multivitamin, but they kind of smell like Wheaties.
Question 2: Do they get soggy in milk as quickly as Wheaties?
Answer 2: No, they are in tablet form, so I’m going to assume they stay harder than an old man who has had one too many Levitras.
Question 3: In Answer 2, don’t you think it would’ve been better to use Viagra, instead of Levitra, since it’s a name more people recognize.
Answer 3: I think in the context of the sentence, readers will know that Levitra is a boner pill.
Question 4: Will eating Wheaties or taking Wheaties Multivitamins really help me become Tiger Woods, Michael Jordan, or a gold-medal winning Olympic athlete?
Answer 4: No. Eating any cereal does not turn people into famous athletes, even if you eat them with steroids.
Question 5: What kind of vitamins and minerals come with each tablet?
Answer 5: I could list them here, but the list is so long and full of words that I don’t know how to spell or pronounce that I would literally blow my mind if I tried, and no amount of generic NyQuil will fix that.
Question 6: What makes these Wheaties Multivitamins different than other multivitamins?
Answer 6: Um, they have the word “Wheaties” etched in each tablet and they’re frickin’ huge. Oh, plus they have Lutein, Lycopene, Green Tea Extract, and Black Pepper Extract. Yes, I said Black Pepper Extract.
Question 7: Do you think my picture will ever be on a box of Wheaties or Wheaties Multivitamin?
Answer 7: If you work hard enough, stay in school, and don’t take drugs, your chances will be slightly better than someone who is lazy, got kicked out of school, and smokes the pipe everyday.
In other words, no way.
Item: Wheaties Multivitamin
Purchase Price: $5.52
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Smells like Wheaties, which I think is a good thing. Chock full of healthy stuff I can’t spell or pronounce. Stays hard in milk.
Cons: Typical multivitamin. Not the scientific breakthrough I originally thought it was.