(Dialing phone number on magic glowing red phone that’s on fire)
(Phone ringing)
HITLER: Guten Tag.
MARVO: Hey, Adolf, it’s Marvo.
HITLER: Ahhh, Marvo! How’s it hanging?
MARVO: Pretty good. So how’s Hell treating you?
HITLER: You know, there are good days and there are bad days, but mostly bad days. So what is up with this unexpected phone call?
MARVO: I was just wondering what the weather is like in Hell today.
HITLER: What’s the weather like in Hell? Is this some kind of sick joke, Marvo? You know I don’t like jokes, especially when I’m the butt of the joke. You don’t want to make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.
MARVO: Um…I’m s-s-sorry.
HITLER: Ha! Just kidding. You’re so gullible, Marvo. Hey, did you notice I totally ripped off that last line from the Incredible Hulk?
MARVO: Uh, no.
HITLER: Anyway, the weather here in Hell? Let me look outside my window.
(Hitler looks outside of window)
HITLER: It’s hot, like it always is.
MARVO: So hell hasn’t frozen over?
HITLER: Pffff…Hell frozen over? Are you drunk right now?
MARVO: No.
HITLER: High?
MARVO: No.
HITLER: Why are you asking me such a silly question?
MARVO: Well you know this low-carb craze we have here?
HITLER: Oh, don’t remind me about low-carb foods. It’s one of the ways they torture us here in Hell. First, they torture us with flaming whips. Then our limbs get pulled off by four Hellbeasts. Then they give us a low-carb meal. Then they make us watch the Tony Danza Show without eyelids so we can’t close our eyes. Anyway, as you were saying…
MARVO: Well I’ve been eating all of these low-carb foods to review for the Impulsive Buy and all of them so far have been pretty crappy.
HITLER: So far?
MARVO: Yeah…I just tried these Del Monte Carb Clever Sliced Pears and they, surprisingly, turned out to be pretty good. They’re almost as good as any other regular can of sliced pears I’ve had.
HITLER: Get out of here!
MARVO: No, seriously. They were sweet and they were good, but I think the Splenda had something to do with its sweetness.
HITLER: You mean, Splenblah.
MARVO: Yes, Splenblah. So that’s why I wanted to know what the weather was like in Hell. I thought it froze over because the Carb Clever Sliced Pears were actually good.
HITLER: You know, “hell freezing over†is just a saying. You shouldn’t take it literally. If all these sayings were true, I would’ve broken my mother’s back hundreds of times for stepping on hundreds of cracks. Plus, I would probably have hairy palms.
MARVO: I didn’t have to hear that last example.
HITLER: Sorry. So these Carb Clever Sliced Pears are good?
MARVO: Yeah.
HITLER: Maybe I can convince Lucifer to add it to our low-carb meals.
MARVO: Hey, good luck with that.
HITLER: Anyway, so I’ll be seeing you in about 40 to 60 years?
MARVO: Probably.
HITLER: Auf wiedersehen.
MARVO: Bye.
Item: Del Monte Carb Clever Sliced Pears
Purchase Price: $1.00 (on sale)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Surprisingly good. Low-calorie. Fat-free. Lots of Vitamin C. Tastes almost like regular canned pears. Low-carb (I can’t believe it’s actually a positive this time)
Cons: Splenda. “Carb Clever†is a lame product name, alliteration doesn’t work well here.