Tony the Tiger, why have you turned into such a pussy…cat?
Have you sold out? Have you been pressured by consumer groups who think your cereals are fattening children? Is someone trying to blackmail you with a sex tape of you with a hippopotamus? Or are they blackmailing you with a secret, like you’re actually a zebra with extensive plastic surgery?
Geez, it’s not like you’re the only cereal spokesperson who has secrets. For example, Toucan Sam is gay. Why do you think they call it Froot Loops? It’s definitely not because of the fruity flavors.
Then there’s the Trix Rabbit, who was a kinky, cross-dressing, role-playing prostitute, before he got the Trix gig. He could fulfill anyone’s fantasy…for the right price. Why do you think he’s so good with disguises?
Whatever it was, at least tell me why you have unleashed your “lightly sweetened†Tiger Power cereal upon the masses?
Fiber, calcium, and protein? Whatever happened to sugar, sugar, and sugar? It’s worked for you in the past. You’re the man…ur…zebra…ur…tiger that brought us such wonderful, sweet cereals as Tony’s Cinnamon Crunchers, Banana Frosted Flakes, Cocoa Frosted Flakes, and the original Frosted Flakes.
Okay, actually, Tony’s Cinnamon Crunchers sucked big time.
However, this Tiger Power sucked even more. It was so bland, it’s like you purposely wanted it to taste like fiber, calcium, and protein. Although it didn’t take away the title of World’s Worst Tasting Cereal from the Carb Well cereal I tried a few months ago.
Despite the bland taste, I was hoping I could somehow make the cereal edible. I didn’t want to give up on you and your Tiger Power cereal, as quickly as that 7:30 a.m. accounting class during my freshman year in college, because I owe you and Frosted Flakes a lot for providing me the energy in elementary school to survive until recess.
The first thing I tried to do to make Tiger Power edible was add sugar…lots of sugar. Unfortunately, I realized that it wasn’t working too well and I was probably killing my liver.
I then tried chocolate milk, which helped a lot with the taste, but in the end I still think Tiger Power sucks.
Oh, Tony the Tiger. You have claws, stripes, and, apparently, really big balls, because you had the courage to release a crappy cereal, which probably ruined your reputation as a Sugar Daddy.
I’m so disappointed in you.
(Editor’s Note: Our friends at The Message Whore also did a review of this cereal, go read their review here.)
Item: Kellogg’s Tiger Power
Purchase Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Rating: 1.5 out of 5
Pros: Fiber. Protein. Calcium.
Cons: Bland. Bland. Bland. I no longer believe in Tony the Tiger.