I was going to see how helpful the new Yoplait Strawberry-Banana Healthy Heart yogurt was with lowering my cholesterol and making my heart healthy, but there’s no way one container of yogurt could significantly help lower my cholesterol and…HOLY CRAP, have you seen the needle they use to suck the blood out of you for a cholesterol blood test?
The last time I needed a blood test, that long-ass needle made me cry like a little baby. I don’t know how the hell heroin addicts do it.
So instead of checking if the Yoplait Healthy Heart could help give me a healthy heart, I decided to find out if it could mend my broken heart. However, it wasn’t as broken as it was about a year ago, so for more accurate results I had to find a way to break my heart even more.
This turned out to be a problem.
I thought about stalking an ex-girlfriend, but I didn’t want the hassle of ANOTHER restraining order.
Or I could’ve found a woman, used my patented Marvo charm, have her fall in love with me, screw up by not opening up emotionally to her, and then have her break up with me. However, that takes too much time and my patented Marvo charm hardly ever works.
Eventually, I found something that could rip out my heart and shove it down my throat.
I found a picture that I took of me with my ex-girlfriend, which I tore up when we broke up, put back together with Scotch tape when I started missing her, scanned it into my computer, printed it with my photo printer, put it through a paper shredder after I ran into her at the movie theater with her new boyfriend, put it back together with clear contact paper when I was lonely one night, scanned it into my computer, printed it with my photo printer, crumpled it up after I ran into her at the mall, and threw it into my closet.
Actually, I thought I burned the damn thing. Well I might as well put it to good use before I burn it and piss on it.
So to break my heart even more, I stared at the picture. I looked at her beautiful smile. Her beautiful seductive eyes. Her soft, wonderful-smelling hair. Her silky smooth skin. Her soft kissable lips.
WHYYYYYYY???
I LOVE YOU!!!
I MISS YOU SOOOO MUCH!!!
PLEASE COME BACK TO ME!!!
I PROMISE I’LL MAKE YOU HAPPY!!!
I PROMISE I’LL BE A BETTER LOVER!!! I’LL TAKE ENZYTE!!!
I PROMISE I’LL GO DOWN ON YOU MORE!!!
Staring at the picture worked, my heart broke even more and I began to cry like someone just stuck a needle in me for a blood test.
WHYYYYYYY???
After blowing my nose, I started eating the Yoplait Strawberry-Banana Healthy Heart yogurt. I ate the whole thing in about 30 seconds, then I followed that with half a pint of ice cream, a couple of Pop-Tarts, half a can of Pringles, and several glasses of chocolate milk.
I MISS YOU SOOOO MUCH!!!
The Yoplait Strawberry-Banana Healthy Heart yogurt tasted a little different than the same flavor of regular Yoplait yogurt. Although, it still tasted good. The only real difference between the Healthy Heart yogurt and the regular Yoplait yogurt are the plant sterols (No, not steroids, sterols), which are added to the Healthy Heart yogurt to help lower your cholesterol.
GIVE ME ONE MORE CHANCE!!!
Unfortunately, it didn’t help heal my broken heart. So I burned the picture and pissed on it, and that made me feel a little better.
Although, about thirty minutes later I was feeling lonely and I wondered if I could bring back the picture using the ashes and alchemy?
Item: Yoplait Strawberry-Banana Healthy Heart Yogurt
Purchase Price: 55 cents (on sale)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Tastes a little different than regular Yoplait Strawberry-Banana yogurt, but still tastes good. Same price as regular Yoplait yogurt. Helps lower cholesterol with plant sterols. Low-fat. High-protein. Vitamins A & D. Live & active cultures.
Cons: Unable to mend broken hearts. Long-ass needles. WHYYYYYY??? PLEASE COME BACK TO ME!!! Patented Marvo charm.