Bars of soap.
They were once considered the King of the Shower, dominating the personal care aisle at stores, coming in dozens of brands, sizes, and scents. We thought so well of bars of soap, that we used to give them as gifts to people in either in the shapes of fish or on a rope. They were also once seen as goods to be taken from hotel rooms, along with the small bottles of shampoo and conditioner, and the occasional towel or ashtray.
However, bars of soap now have been reduced to a small section on the bottom shelf at stores and have been replaced by dozens of liquid body washes. They are also left behind in the hotel room, like the used condom in the trash and the Bible and the phone books in the nightstand.
It’s been years since I’ve used a bar of soap, but when I used them, my soaps of choice were Ivory and Irish Spring.
Ivory was a good soap because it was dirt cheap and Ivory claimed it was 100 percent pure. Their proof that it was pure was the fact bars of Ivory soap floated, like angels in the sky. Of course, this can’t be true because if Tara Reid were on a raft, she would still be a drunken tramp.
I also used Irish Spring because I loved the scent of it. Every time I took a shower, I would close my eyes and imagine being in Ireland during the spring, surrounded by leprechauns and four-leaf clovers, with the smell of Irish Spring in the air. Of course, later I found out that Irish Spring was just as Irish as Lucky Charms cereal.
Anyway, I switched to body washes because they were much easier to masturbate clean with than a bar of soap. Plus, they came in much better scents, even better than Irish Spring.
Recently, I got to reexperience what it’s like to use a bar of soap again, thanks to the new Irish Spring MicroClean.
The Irish Spring MicroClean looks and smells very similar to the original Irish Spring, except it has these MicroBeads in the bar, which are supposed to exfoliate the skin.
Unfortunately, the MicroBeads felt like they weren’t doing their job. It felt like a really, really fine piece of sandpaper that had been heavily used to strip the paint off of a bicycle. My loofah does a better job of exfoliating, because it feels like it’s actually ripping off my epidermis.
Even on my most sensitive parts, like my hairy nipples, I couldn’t really feel the MicroBeads. However, I did feel clean, but what soap doesn’t make you feel that way.
Another thing that bothered me about the soap was the sticky soap film, which I should’ve remembered from my previous years of using bars of soap. I guess I’m just so used to the slippery soap film that I get from using moisturizing body washes
The Irish Spring MicroClean probably won’t make me go back to using bars of soap, but I have found a nifty use them. It turns out that a bar of Irish Spring MicroClean makes for a wonderful air freshener in the bathroom.
Just stick one on a plate, leave it anywhere in the bathroom, and let the Irish Spring goodness spread throughout the room.
I think I’m going to stick a bar in my car.
Item: Irish Spring MicroClean
Purchase Price: $1.97 (3-pack)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: That familiar Irish Spring smell. Rich lather. Makes a wonderful air freshener.
Cons: Sticky soap film. Could hardly feel the MicroBeads, even on my nipples. Or maybe I couldn’t feel the MicroBeads because of the hair around my nipples.
“I never realized how Irish I was until one day in the shower I took a pocketknife and started carving up my soap.” — some comedian whose name I’ve forgotten
If you work up enough lather, you can still use a bar of soap to masterbate with in the shower. Just a helpful piece of advice from one Big Island boy to another.
“Anyway, I switched to body washes because they were much easier to masturbate clean with than a bar of soap.”
“Hairy Nipples”
LMAO 🙂
I Went Back To Bars Of Soap….
Every Body Wash I Buy Smells Like Crap Once It Hits Water.
Which Seems Like A Serious Problem…..
Hairy Nipples……
I’ve never seen the word “nipples” used so many times in one review!
Kudos to you, sir!
Jay Nickola – Yeah, I remember the Irish Spring commercials. What was the point of carving the soap? I actually tried to do that with a bar of Irish Spring, but I couldn’t get my hands on a knife sharp enough to do that. It doesn’t work with butter knives.
k@os – Oh those Big Island days. Nothing much to do, just either drink, fish, smoke weed, camp, go to the beach, masturbate, or if you had a girlfriend, make babies.
Damon – I’ve used the cheap Suave products, because they’re cheap and they smell the same in the bottle and out of the bottle. Hairy nipples.
kt – It’s a record for now, but some day I will beat that record. Nipples.
Did Someone Say
“Hairy Nipples”?
Yes, a perfect review, sex, body parts, good smells.. and violence.
We can also rant about how foreigners are taking over..
Gettit ?
Hmm… air fresheners you say? I think I have found a new use for those inevitably unfortunate soap on a rope gifts…
Irish spring is the best smelling bar soap around. I still use it if I run out of body wash and forget to go to the store. Irish Spring should just stick to the original.
I bought Irish Spring once years ago and it gave us both a rash all over our bodies.
Remember in those commercials where the manly-man, sitting on a rock near a rushing stream, said something about the soap in his thick Irish accent, and the girl, caressing him said, ‘But I like it, too!’
If you want dermabrasion action, just use Lava soap. It’s got volcanic pumice!
fun fun.
peggasus, i feel your pain. i, too, am allergic to Irish Spring, and many other standard bar-form soaps. i think i’ll stick to my girly shower gels.
just to add to the count: nipples
Damon – Hairy nipples.
S – All it’s missing is profanity. Shit. There we go. Done.
Bun-Girl – Actually I think a soap on a rope is a great gift to recycle.
Becky – I remember Irish Spring for years came in one version, but now there’s like seven or eight different Irish Springs.
Peggasus – Oh Lava soap…Definitely NOT good soap to masturbate with.
Megan – Nipples.
I actually use this little mesh bag to hold bars of soap, thus getting the showergel+puff experience from a much cheaper, and in most cases, better smelling bar of soap.
There definatley is a difference between the sticky soap film and the slippery gel film. On the other hand, I haven’t yet met “microbeads” of any type that feel like they are actually removing any sort of skin from my body. Beards and brillo pads, or hairy nipples, are much better for that.
As for mastrubation with soap … why? Lotion is so much better, if overused. And then there is cooking oil …
TheInfamousJ – I’ve stayed away from lotions since the “cooling lotion” incident. It was like I used Icy Hot on my Johnson. As for cooking oil, I’m definitely not trying that.