Ice cream is one of the best comfort foods.
Since it’s cool, creamy, and delicious, it’s supposed to help people forget all of their troubles. It’s much like alcohol and Calgon, except without the hangovers and prune fingers.
Ice cream has helped me on several occasions.
One time I was flipping channels and came upon this movie. I stopped flipping channels and ended up watching this movie because there was this pretty woman acting in it. Well to make a long story short, it turned out that the pretty woman was actually a dude, which caused me to eat a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream in about fifteen minutes.
Damn you, The Crying Game! Damn you!
Another time ice cream helped me was when I was with a couple of friends and we were hiking along the coastline and we came upon a private nude beach. I saw a lot of T and A, but unfortunately, it was only 60-year-old T and A. But what made it worse was that there were also many 60-year-old floppy schlongs.
This was bad because I had images of dancing 60-year-old boobs and schlongs in my head for the rest of the hike. When we got back from the hike, it took four ice cream sandwiches to help me forget about those images.
Now the problem with using ice cream to help me forget about my troubles is the fact that I have a lot of troubles, like running into ex-girlfriends, hearing Clay Aiken sing, possibly being molested by a drunk Tara Reid, hearing the Usher song “Yeah!” for the umpteenth time, and older white folks saying “bling bling.”
Because I have a lot of troubles, I eat a lot of ice cream, which means I’m possibly committing one of the Seven Deadly Sins: Gluttony.
Otherwise known as, “normal life” by hair metal bands from the 1980s and 1990s.
Sure, I could just eat low-fat or Healthy Choice ice cream, but then the troubling experience of dancing schlongs in my head will be replace the troubling experience of eating really crappy tasting ice cream.
If only someone would come out with an ice cream with all the flavor, but without the need to make frantic calls to Jenny Craig, like I’m Kirstie Alley.
Thanks to Impulsive Buy readers Kent and Jobetta, I think I may have found that ice cream, Dreyer’s Slow Churned Light. It has half the fat and one-third fewer calories than regular ice cream.
The Dreyer’s Slow Churned Light Caramel Delight I bought was surprisingly really good. The caramel flavor seemed to have permeated through the ice cream because it was in every spoonful, even when there weren’t any caramel swirls.
(Holy crap! Did I just use the word “permeated?” That’s such a big word for me. I’m so happy! My vocabulary is still growing!)
Overall, it’s the best light ice cream I’ve ever tasted. It’s creamy, rich, delicious, healthier than regular ice cream, and will help me cope when someone sees my ass crack when I go commando in my low cut jeans.
Item: Dreyer’s Slow Churned Light Caramel Delight
Purchase Price: $4.99
Rating: 4.5 out of 5
Pros: Delicious. Half the fat of regular ice cream. One-third fewer calories than regular ice cream. Caramel flavor was in every spoonful. Me using the word “permeated” for the first time.
Cons: 60-year-old schlongs flopping up and down on a nude beach. 60-year-old boobies flopping up and down on a nude beach. My inability to distinguish between dudes and chicks.
I’ve had their Vanillia Bean and their Mocha Almond Fudge, both were sooooo good! I think that they even taste better than the full fat versions of ice cream. Although- they don’t beat Cold Stone Creamery!
I also use ice cream as a comfort food, mostly to keep comfortable in the 1,000 degree heat we have in Kansas. Fortunately I don’t need it to forget about 60 year old boobies and schlongs. However, if this ice cream makes you feel good about your ass crack then it’s good enough for me 🙂
I love ice cream… sounds good. Once again, thanks for putting another gross image in my head.
Without actually reading the post, my initial impression was that you typed “Dryel’s Slow Churned Caramel Delight” and I started to wonder why home-dry-cleaning kits needed to sound tasty. And how many idiots were going to go to the ER because they munched down one of the freshening sheets.
Then I come to find out it is ice cream. Pooh. I liked it better my way.
AKA Edy’s Slow Churned Light Caramel Delight
I was wondering if i should try this stuff. too bad my PDQ doesn’t stock it. Might have to go to an actual grocery store… Maybe I should stop thinking outloud in comments to blog posts.
Although I’ve never had Dreyer’s/Edy’s, I have been thinking about trying out Ben & Jerry’s Yogurt version of Cherry Garcia. That is THE best flavor in the world, but I sometimes end up eating the entire pint in one sitting, so it makes me feel guilty.
Dude…you forgot to put “someone seeing my ass crack when I go commando in my low cut jeans” as a con, because seriously, that mental image is all sorts of wrong.
how can you try out all the products you try out and still keep your cheeks (on your face) slender? i love ice cream. i think my “you’re feeling full” signals are muted when i have it and could eat it by the carload.
I’ve had the Slow-Churned Light Coffee and it was superb. I heart Edy’s.
Also, I’m impressed that you could eat at ALL after seeing old floppy funbags.
MMMMMMM!! I’m there, dude. I need an ice cream fix, but Weight Watchers points need to be counted. Light sounds just right! And way to fit in the “Crying Game” scene!! hee hee.
Good Review, But Was It About Ice Cream Or Schlongs……lol
j/k
From the pictures I’ve seen, the front side view of the low rise jeans is scarier than the back side view. I’m assuming this “half the fat and one-thirs trhe calories” is compared to the same serving size (by volume) as regular ice cream.
From the pictures I’ve seen, the front side view of the low rise jeans is scarier than the back side view. I’m assuming this “half the fat and one-third the calories” is compared to the same serving size (by volume) as regular ice cream.
Dang double-clicking. I’m just too efficient with my mouse and too fast for my keyboard. And the best Ben & Jerry’s was Cool Britannia. Unfortunately, it is now in their flavor graveyard http://www.benjerry.com/our_products/flavor_graveyard
Hey so, completely off topic… but I’ve recently found your funny review site and have become quite hooked. And it’s been a long time since you mentioned it… but don’t you have Carl’s Jrs in Hawaii?? Isn’t Carls Jrs and Hardees the same company? They don’t exactly have the Monster Thick Burger you’ve been pining over… but they do have a 1lb. Double Six-Dollar Burger, which I think matches the 1,420cals of the Monster Thick. Just wanted to let you know in case you still felt like endangering your health in the name of a review. Oh, and keep em coming, I can alway count on a good laugh at your site.
I’m glad you finally tried this stuff. It’s great. I liked the strawberry and chocolate chip mint flavors, myself.
BTW, the Ben and Jerry’s frozen yogurt is quite good, in all flavors. But I love the Cherry Garcia yogurt.
Sounds like tasty stuff, Marvo. If you ever encounter a nude beach again, remember to only focus above waist level. Then at least you won’t have schlongs in your memory to contend with.
I’m glad they finally made a non-sucking low fat ice cream. Personally, I take the full fat, but I also have the metabolism of a humming bird which will, no doubt, change in the next few year. And then? I’ll be looking for this.
Ayesha97 – I tried the Vanilla Bean recently and I liked it, but I’ve tasted better vanilla ice cream, and believe me I’ve had my share of vanilla ice cream, because I’m so vanilla (plain).
Pel – Wait. Now that I think about it, the more ice cream I eat, the bigger my ass gets, and the bigger my ass gets, the larger my ass crack gets. Hmm…
Lucy – Sorry, here’s another image. Me bobbing for apples in a barrel of caramel. Then using the caramel as hair gel and making a mohawk.
theinfamousj – Don’t give me ideas, because I just might do it. 😉
Muneer – Hey you never know what you might find at an actual grocery store. It’s every quasi-product review blog editor’s wet dream.
Jessika – I really used to like the rum raisin flavor from Haagen Dazs, because my girlfriend at the time liked it. Then she broke up with me and now I HATE IT. HAAATE IT!!!! HAAAAAAATE IT!!! Actually, I don’t really hate it, I don’t think they make it anymore.
Toni – Yeah, I guess that is a con, especially if someone tried to stick something down my ass crack, like a carrot or a flower.
wyn – My cheeks maybe slender, but so are the spaces in my arteries.
Mir – When I eat ice cream, I tend to go to my happy place, which helps me forget things.
nat – All this talk about ice cream has me needing an ice cream fix too. I’ll be back.
Damon – It would’ve been a really interesting review if it was about schlongs made out of ice cream.
klew – Man, that Cool Britannia did sound good! Also, I’m assuming that it’s the same serving size too.
Jae – Another reader mentioned this to me too and I have been tempted to try that burger, but I think I’ll do it only after I go vegan for a month to clean out my system.
Jobetta – Yes, I’ve tried a few of the Ben and Jerry’s frozen yogurt and they are good.
Chuck – But what if it’s a good nude beach, like in Europe or something.
Genny from the Burbs – Yeah, I’m finding that my metabolism is slowly dwindling away. Damn you, Father Time! DAMN YOU!!!
Dreyer’s? Is that a ripoff of Breyer’s or just a freaky coincidence that they both happen to make ice cream??
Webmiztris – Actually, I think Breyer’s is a ripoff of Dreyer’s. Dreyer’s is like a Louis Vuitton bag, while Breyer’s is a fake Louis Vuitton bag that you can get from a swap meet.
Dude. I just read this entry at 3 AM, just before going to sleep. Now I’m going to have dreams about 60-year-old schlongs and boobies. Thanks a lot….
—Quentin
Quentin Smith – Sorry about that. But ice cream might help next time.
I love ice cream. It is by far my favorite food. I am so trying this. Thanks for reviewing it.
Becky – No problem. I hope you enjoy it. There are a ton of flavors to choose from.
glad to see you followed my advise. Readers who haven’t yet tried it you won’t be disappointed.
kent – Definitely a good choice! Thanks!