Dear Strawberry Milkshake Pop-Tarts,
Everyone goes through changes, and recently, I’ve gone through a change. During this change, I realized that you aren’t what I’m looking for. You’re not “the one.”
You were delicious and you’ll always have a special place in my heart. I will always remember the great times we had.
When you were hot and toasted, I liked spreading you open and licking your gooey strawberry milkshake-flavored center. When you were frozen, I enjoyed nibbling on your crust. Also, there was that time, in the heat of the moment, I tried to rip off your foil packaging to eat you, but it wouldn’t come off. We laughed as I used the scissors to get it off.
You have to agree that those were some good times we had.
I thought we had a lot in common, but it turned out that the only thing we had in common was both liking Green Day. Although, the only Green Day songs you knew were the ones on the American Idiot album. I couldn’t believe you didn’t know any of the songs from Dookie.
Long View? Basket Case? When I Come Around? Welcome to Paradise?
But I guess I should’ve expected that since you’re much younger than I am.
Also, I didn’t realize the excessive amount of pink stuff you have. When I first met you, I thought you looked really hot in that pink outfit you wore, with pink glitter all over your body. Then the next time, you wore another pink outfit. Then another. Then another.
However, I didn’t realize how much pink stuff you had until we went back to your place. It felt like I was Dumbo seeing pink elephants after drinking some spiked water.
Oh wait. You’re too young to remember the Dumbo reference.
Anyway, your place had so much pink that it made me feel like I was either in the Barbie Dream House, surrounded by cotton candy, or in Hello Kitty’s pants.
Not even Pink has as much pink stuff as you do.
There’s also something else I have to admit that you might not like. I was sort of using you.
You see, I really like Pop-Tarts with chocolate, but I wanted to try something different. I wanted to know if the grass was greener on the other side of the fence, but it wasn’t. I really do prefer Pop-Tarts with chocolate, especially Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts, and I now know that, “Once you go choco-LATE, there’s no debate.”
Look, these things may have bothered me, but that doesn’t mean you won’t ever find the right guy. There are many fish in the ocean and I’m sure there’s a guy out there who likes pink as much as you do and will treat you the way you deserve.
Well I hope this letter hasn’t hurt you too much, but I felt that you needed to hear the truth. We may not be together, but I hope that we can continue to be friends.
Love,
Marvo
(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy readers, Zanjero, Joseph, and Lane for introducing me to Strawberry Milkshake Pop-Tarts.)
Item: Strawberry Milkshake Pop-Tarts
Purchase Price: $1.69 (on sale)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good and chewy when frozen. Good and gooey when toasted. A change from all the chocolate Pop-Tarts.
Cons: Way too much pink. Not better than chocolate Pop-Tarts. The grass wasn’t greener on the other side of the fence. A broken Pop-Tart heart.
Hmmm….this Pop-Tart actually sounds interesting, but I have to admit, I do usually prefer chocolate over Pink. I am a big fan of Get The Party Started, though.
I don’t know if it’s due to me getting older, but don’t new Pop-Tarts all look super unhealthy? Frosting, glitter, sugar, artificial ingredients galore…and I’m not saying that any of these are BAD things, per se, but it just doesn’t strike me as “part of a healthy, complete breakfast” to eat every day either. I guess I’m used to the old-fashioned varieties.
Best review EVER. Laughing my ASS off.
I bought these pop-tarts. They’re really really sweet with a kind of creamy strawberry flavor.
I think I’ve gotten too old for pop-tarts. They’ve all become these nasty cloying things that make me reach for my nicely bitter coffee every ten seconds to wash the sugar crystals off my tongue. And the crust is just horribly bland on its own.
I think I’ve graduated to more adult types of breakfasts now. Like plain toast and tomato juice to kill off the drinking binge from the night before.
I like the old-fashioned strawberry pop-tarts with the rainbow sugar crystals on top … I keep trying these fancy new ones and keep getting burned.
Haven’t tried the Strawberry Milkshake PopTarts, but I enjoy the Cosco box of Strawberry and Cinammon Brown Sugar flavor. I also ran across Cinammon Roll flavor, and those were quite intense. I was also of a slightly elevated mind state, so the rubber from an old shoe might have tasted good.
Oh, Marvo. Another trail of broken hearts in your wake. Why, Marvo, WHY? Truly, you’re too sexy for your own good. Too sexy for pink pop-tarts, anyway.
My son concurs that these are too pink. It brings a little tear to my eye to know that he’s following in your footsteps.
This is what I love about marvo: only marvo could fit Green Day and Pop Tarts into the same post and make it totally normal, fluid, and terrifically funny.
I’m not eatin’ those Pop Tarts, though. And what’s with the frozen Pop Tart craze? Frozen PASTRY? (well, loosely defined as pastry.)
“When you were hot and toasted, I liked spreading you open and licking your gooey strawberry milkshake-flavored center.”
*fans herself*
*feels flustered*
Whoo! Is it just me, or is it feeling hot in here?
I distrust anything THAT pink. Except pepto bismol.
Dude, the Green Day reference is so on. I went to the opening of their North American tour in April and I swear the girls in front of us (with their mothers) probably were BORN the year “Dookie” came out. It made me feel old, and I was 18. When “Longview” was played, they just looked confused. It was sad.
“once you go chocoLATE you don’t debate” ..is that supposed to rhyme? I tried saying it out lout, but it didn’t work.
And a Box of Pop-Tarts can get a secret lover, but I can’t?
That’s it, I’m covering myself in frosting and sprinkles. I hope that helps.
This is, by far, the most confusing, off-beat review to date. Way to go, Marvo. Awesome.
Chuck – Nowadays, I don’t really eat Pop-Tarts for breakfast. I usually eat them as a snack.
feisty girl – Thanks for the compliment. 🙂
Random – I’ll admit that Pop-Tarts have gotten sugary sweet, but they still do make the original flavors. Blueberry was my favorite of the original flavors.
Kristin – With the old-fashioned flavors I didn’t like the ones with just sugar crystals on them. I really liked the frosted ones. I just liked the feeling of the frosting crumbling under the pressure of my teeth.
Hismikeness – If there is any flavor that should be blamed for the influx of sugary sweet Pop-Tarts it’s Cinnamon Brown Sugar Pop-Tarts. It was the first fruitless Pop-Tart.
Mir – Oh, dear lord! If your son is following in my footsteps, I suggest you steer him away from getting an English degree and make sure he doesn’t wear a white tuxedo to prom.
That’s also the first time I’ve ever seen them suggest that you “try ’em frozen.” I too have been doing that for a while, and an added bonus is that they are less crumbly when you bite them. Blueberry was also my favorite (should I also be concerned at our similarities?) but I prefer the non-frosted ones. Alas, grocery stores here only stock the frosted pop tarts.
Somewhat disturbing is that some high school kids these days were born in the 90s!
nat – Frozen Pop-Tarts totally rock! They don’t rock as hard as Green Day, but they do rock harder than Hilary Duff.
Toni – I think you meant to say “hot in herre.” 😉
Genny From the Burbs – They also probably don’t know that Vanilla Ice is the worst rapper ever.
KT – Yeah, that rhyme was quite a stretch. I was trying to channel Johnnie Cochran’s spirit to help me with the rhyme, but I couldn’t reach him.
Brandon – I’ll take that as a compliment. 🙂
klew – If you like anime, the television show “Ed,” and have a tendency to call bad drivers “bastards,” then you should be concerned about our similarities. You doppelganger! 😉
Tried these previously and was not impressed. the filling seemed to be a mixture of their strawberry flavoring with marshmallow creme.
I liked green day since Dookie and currently can’t get enough of “blvd. of broken dreams” It was playing early at wally world and then my favorite blog references Green day in a review of pop tarts.
Life is good;-)
*sniff* I hate when love stories have sad endings.
hey, Now I feel offended! I am a highschool student… born in the 90’s. -.-
But an awesome reveiw. But of course, aren’t they all? ^^ You’re spoiling us Marvo. We’ll never be able to read Comsumers Digest again.
The really sad part is i know. what a doppelganger is.
But Kent, BOBD is so incredably overplayed! I like it, though…
Dude. Dumbo rocks.
You like Green Day! So do I! Wonderful review. A bit of laughter and tears. 2 thumbs up.
I LOVE Ed!, I call bad drivers bastards, but i don’t like anime too much. actually, not at all. find it to be annoying.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad though.
KENT – I think I’ve played the song American Idiot a few hundred times since I bought it.
Webmiztris – Sometimes sad endings have to happen to create happy beginnings. Wow! I think I just blew my mind. That was too deep for me.
~Moi~ – I’m sorry if you feel offended, but if it’s any consolation, since you were born in the 90s, I feel old. You’re so young, that I wonder if you understand the Vanilla Ice jokes. 🙁
Lucy – Green Day ROOOOCK!!!
Muneer – Hey, I’ll give you ten dollars if you grab a box of Lucky Charms from the shelf at the store and go around the store telling people, “They’re after me Lucky Charms” in a leprechaun accent.
Who knew eating breakfast could seem so sexy?
I don’t really get how a pop tart can taste like a milkshake. Wouldn’t it just be a strawberry-flavored pop tart? Kind of like the pizza-flavored potato chips. Who are they kidding?
rfduck – You’re right it’s like those pizza-flavored potato chips, it doesn’t taste like it, but it’s close enough.
Moi I’ve heard others complaining about BOBD being overplayed but the only time I listen to the radio is when I’m stuck in my truck during a football game. So it doesn’t apply to me.