It’s not often that I get bitchslapped by an energy bar, because it usually costs quite a bit extra to have that done. But this time it was free thanks to this Mad Dog Mocha Mania Energy Bar.
Although, I have to admit, this time it was the energy bar that did the bitchslapping and not some woman dressed in leather, chains, and spikes, with a strong German accent.
The Mad Dog Energy Bar comes to us from our friends in Canada.
Yes, that Canada, which has given the planet some wonderful things, like Wayne Gretzky, the band Barenaked Ladies, the sexy Shania Twain, and one-fourth of all stand-up comedians in America.
Of course, Canada also spawned the weapon of mass destruction that is known as, Celine Dion, whose voice, if used for evil, has the power to destroy the Earth, or if used for good, could destroy a gigantic asteroid heading towards the Earth.
Over the years, I’ve tried a lot of energy bars, but none of them really gave me the energy to do anything. The Snickers Marathon Bar never made me want to run a marathon, a PowerBar never gave me power to take over the world, Balance Bars never gave me the balance to dominate third graders at the game King of the Hill, the Luna Bar never made me want to moonwalk, and Clif Bars never made me want to climb a cliff to get away from people I own money to.
However, this Mad Dog Energy Bar was the first energy bar that perked me up like I was a pair of nipples at a wet t-shirt contest. It was able to do this, not with pitchers of water and thin white cotton t-shirts, but instead with the power of the Double G’s.
Not those Double G’s.
I’m talking about guarana and ginseng.
Found in almost all energy drink I’m addicted to, the Double G’s can provide long-lasting mental alertness, stimulate the nervous system, increase stamina, boost energy levels, stimulate the immune system, and reduce the effects of stress.
Surprisingly, after intensive research involving pictures of Dolly Parton, I’ve learned that the OTHER Double G’s also have these same effects on me, plus they make for great pillows.
Another ingredient that you won’t find in energy drinks, but will definitely find at a natural foods store in the form of clothing or rope, is hemp.
Yes, that hemp.
No, it’s not illegal to eat in the United States.
No, you can’t get high off of hemp.
Yes, I tried to light a Mad Dog Energy Bar.
Yes, trying to light a Mad Dog Energy Bar created a chocolatey mess.
Along with the hemp seed, guarana, and ginseng, the Mad Dog Energy Bar also consists of rice crisps, peanuts, and chocolate. All of that created a taste that maybe familiar if you’ve ever had a very strong expresso or used your mouth as a coffee grinder.
Being someone who doesn’t drink coffee, it took awhile to get used to the strong expresso-like flavor of the Mad Dog Mocha Mania Energy Bar, but overall it’s got a decent taste, and that taste is effective in bitchslapping me and getting me through the day.
(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Jocelyn, co-founder of the parent company that created Mad Dog, for sending me a box of Mad Dog to review.)
Item: Mad Dog Mocha Mania Energy Bar
Purchase Price: FREE
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Decent taste. Perks me up like I was a pair of nipples at a wet t-shirt contest. The Double G’s. The OTHER Double G’s. The Barenaked Ladies.
Cons: Strong expresso-like flavor maybe too strong for most. Lighting a Mad Dog Energy Bar to try and get high. Celine Dion’s ability to destroy the Earth. Paying to be bitchslapped.