I want to thank Arizona Beverage Company for creating such a courteous energy drink.
Usually energy drinks have designs that look like things that probably appear in Kate Moss’ head after doing a few lines of coke, but Arizona Beverage Company had the courtesy to put a big, bold caution label on its Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot, letting everyone know that it may suck big time.
So does it suck?
It sucks hard, but not as hard as you think.
It’s got most of the energy goodness of regular energy drinks, like B vitamins, taurine, ribose, carnitine, ginseng, inositol, guarana, and 100 milligrams of sweet, succulent caffeine, but it didn’t seem to give me the ass-slapping jolt that I’ve gotten with regular energy drinks.
The lack of ass slapping might’ve been from the fact that the Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot is lightly carbonated, so it’s easy going down, like water, a flat lemon-lime soda, or the TV show Joey after drinking extreme amounts of alcohol.
Or it could’ve been the cocaine-looking Splenda, which apparently has the power to take out the “extreme” in the Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot. Damn you, Splenda! You are the bane of my existence! You are the thread that unravels the seam of my shirt! You are the drunken Tara Reid of my celebrity party!
The Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot has a slightly weak medicine taste, but it’s also got a weak fruit juice taste, thanks to the 3 percent pear, apple, and peach juice it contains. Peach juice? God, they’re making juice out of everything. Damn you, Jack LaLanne and your Power Juicer!
Another thing that was weak about the Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot was the size of the 8.3-ounce can. This small can was a surprising departure from the usual 23.5-ounce cans that Arizona Beverage Company uses for most of their products, which sell for 99 cents. But again, the big caution label on the front of the Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot can was probably also warning me about the size of it.
If only other products would have the courtesy to put big, bold caution labels on its packaging, it would probably save me and you a whole lot of time and money.
For example, imagine having a warning on a Britney Spears CD.
Caution: This CD may cause your daughters to see Britney as a role model, when she definitely shouldn’t be; settle for an ambition-less husband, who won’t get a job; and make them say “y’all” way too much.
Item: Arizona Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot
Purchase Price: $1.00 (on sale)
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Warning label, letting me know that it’s going to suck. 100% of your daily allowance of Vitamin C. 100 mg of sweet, sweet caffeine. Low calorie, fat, carbs, and sugar. Goes down easy.
Cons: Watery taste. Splenda. Weird aftertaste. Only 3 percent juice.