Marvo: Okay. Whose 1916 U.S. presidential campaign slogan was: “He kept us out of war.”?
Glacéau SmartWater: That’s easy. Woodrow Wilson’s
Marvo: Dammit! You got the yellow wedge!
Glacéau SmartWater: Yeah, that means I’ve got all the wedges and all I need to do to kick your ass again at Trivial Pursuit is get back to the middle and answer one more question.
Marvo: The game isn’t over yet.
Glacéau SmartWater: Oh wait. Let me play you a song.
(Glacéau SmartWater pushes play on the stereo and Wilson Phillips’ Hold On starts playing.)
Marvo: What’s up with the Wilson Phillips? Have you been watching too much I Love the 90s?
Glacéau SmartWater: Do you hear her?
Marvo: Hear who?
Glacéau SmartWater: Do you hear the fat lady singing?
Marvo: Fat lady? Do you mean Carnie Wilson?
Glacéau SmartWater: Yeah, do you hear her singing?
Marvo: Dude, Carnie’s not fat anymore. Actually, she lost a lot of weight and she’s pretty hot now.
Glacéau SmartWater: But she was fat when she recorded the song.
Marvo: You’re being an prick, you know. Just because your first name is in French, doesn’t mean you have to act French.
Glacéau SmartWater: Whatever. Let’s get this over with so you can go crying back to your mamma. Maybe if you actually attended class and read your textbooks in college, I wouldn’t be whooping your ass for the umpteenth time.
Marvo: Well then, roll the dice you arrogant prick.
Glacéau SmartWater: Why do you keep playing against me? Can’t you read? I’m SmartWater.
Marvo: More like SmartAssWater. Anyway, what makes you so special?
Glacéau SmartWater: No water purifies better. No water hydrates faster.
Marvo: Dude, you’re just reading your own label, you corporate shill. Besides how the hell can anyone tell if the water they’re drinking is hydrating them faster?
Glacéau SmartWater: I’m electrolyte enhanced, beeyatch!
Marvo: So you’re like a flavorless and colorless Gatorade?
Glacéau SmartWater: I’m better than Gatorade.
Marvo: Whatever. Just roll the dice.
(Glacéau SmartWater rolls the dice and gets a six.)
Glacéau SmartWater: Oh yeah! Six baby! Back to the middle for the win.
Marvo: Well I get to pick the category.
Glacéau SmartWater: It don’t matter. History. People and Places. Entertainment. Science. Sports. Literature. I know it all. I’m SmartWater.
Marvo: All right, let’s see if you can answer this science and nature question.
Glacéau SmartWater: Bring it!
Marvo: What major Eastern city was the first in the U.S. to boast a bloodmobile for dogs, in 1991?
Glacéau SmartWater: Let me think about that, Silly Willie. Maybe I should sing a little ditty? Is it getting kind of chilly? Oh look at that lily. Really?
Marvo: Shit! You know it, just say it.
Glacéau SmartWater: The answer is Philly, dear Billy. Philadelphia, beeyatch!
Marvo: Dammit!
Glacéau SmartWater: Oh! Do you know what time it is now?
Marvo: Oh shit. Not again.
Glacéau SmartWater: It’s peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly time. Where he at? Where he at? Where he at? Where he at? There he go. There he go. There he go. There he go. Peanut butter jelly. Peanut butter jelly. Peanut butter jelly. Peanut butter jelly. Do the peanut butter jelly, peanut putter jelly, peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat. Do the peanut butter jelly, peanut putter jelly, peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat.
Marvo: Frickin’ prick.
Glacéau SmartWater: Don’t be a sore loser. You almost had me. At least you answered one question correctly this time.
Marvo: I’m not being a sore loser, you’re being a sore winner.
Glacéau SmartWater: Well maybe if your body was all water instead of 70 percent water, you’d be as smart as me.
Marvo: Oh, really?
(Marvo grabs Glacéau SmartWater opens him and drinks half the bottle.)
Glacéau SmartWater: HEY! HEY! HEY! THAT WAS TOTALLY UNCOOL, MAN!
Marvo: No, that WAS cool…and refreshing.
Item: Glacéau SmartWater
Purchase Price: $1.39 (33.8 fluid ounces)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Refreshing as revenge. Electrolyte enhanced. Pretty bottle. Better tasting than tap water. Peanut butter jelly time.
Cons: Pricey compared with other bottled water in bigger sizes. Sore winner. A total prick. Know-it-all asshole.