(Editor’s Note: Today’s review contains links that are probably not safe for work. Unless you work at home. Or at a 24-hour adult video store. Or at Leather & Chains R Us. Or at a nightclub that’s located in some basement called The Torture Lounge that smells like leather and has more ropes than a Boy Scout camp.)
Because today’s review is about a product called Yoplait Whips!, it would be SO easy to start off this review by writing about S&M bondage gear.
You know, like whips, chains, spiked collars, leather masks, handcuffs, ball gags, ropes, belly chains, hobble skirts, thumbcuffs, bondage hooks, monogloves, sleepsacks, bit gags, belts, breast binders, ass hooks, chastity belts, corsets, D-rings, elbow harnesses, humblers, and inflatable gags.
However, since I seem to mention bondage in every fifth review, it would’ve been too predictable for me to write about things like muzzles, panic snaps, posture collars, ring gags, shackles, stocks, suspension cuffs, Berkley horses, fisting slings, whipping benches, blindfolds, bondage hoods, gas masks, vacuum beds, spanking paddles, and nipple clamps.
So instead of writing about pony harnesses, dental forceps, funnel gags, floggers, spanking horses, and spreader bars, I’m going to write about how the live and active cultures in Yoplait Whips! Chocolate Mousse Style yogurt are the best I’ve ever eaten.
Live and active cultures are bacteria, except they’re good bacteria. They’re not like the bacteria that makes you sick or the bacteria you get after spending some time with a Southeast Asian bar girl who asks you to buy her a lot of “drinkie-drinkie.”
Having good and bad bacteria is much like how there’s bad cholesterol (LDL) and good cholesterol (HDL). It’s also like how there’s pre-Thriller Michael Jackson and post-Thriller Michael Jackson.
Although the Yoplait Whips! Chocolate Mousse Style yogurt had the best live and active cultures I’ve ever tasted, it wasn’t the best yogurt I’ve ever had. That title belongs to whatever TCBY pumps out of those soft serve machines.
Like all yogurts and my armpits after I go jogging, the Yoplait Whips! was slightly tangy, which made me think there was some kind of fruit in the yogurt, but it’s only chocolate.
One of the things that was weird about the Yoplait Whips! was the texture of it. If you take a look at the picture above, the yogurt looks like a chocolate sponge or (insert your imagination here). I also think the texture of the yogurt in my mouth is the same feeling I would get if I decided to eat fog.
The Yoplait Whips! Chocolate Mousse Style yogurt is light and fluffy like an actual chocolate mousse, but it’s definitely not cream and smooth like one.
Hmm…Maybe the reason why I don’t truly love the Yoplait Whips! Chocolate Mousse Style yogurt is because I don’t really enjoy things light and fluffy.
I prefer harsh and rough, with maybe a little biting.
Item: Yoplait Whips! Chocolate Mousse Style
Purchase Price: 69 cents (on sale)
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Chocolate yogurt. Best live and active cultures I’ve ever had. Good cholesterol. Five grams of protein. Things that are harsh and rough. Biting.
Cons: It’s like eating a chocolate sponge. Bad cholesterol. My armpits after jogging. Southeast Asian bar girls who scratch a lot.
Hey! Look at the price! 69 cents. Coincidence? I think not.
Considering that I’m cheap and my favorite yogurt is the Wal-Mart brand, I most likely won’t try this, especially after Marvo’s magnificent (as usual) review. However, truthfully, I think all it would have taken to turn me against this is the picture. Yes, my imagination kicked in, and consequently, that’s never going in my mouth. So thank you Marvo for saving me from buying this product!
I see this commercial but haven’t seen it at my Safeway yet! LOL, I’ve learned a few new things about BSDM that I didn’t know previously but don’t think those were to my liking and won’t be adding to my repertoire 😉
“the texture of the yogurt in my mouth is the same feeling I would get if I decided to eat fog.”
I thought you said FROG until I went back to cut&paste. Okay, FOG is much better. =) It is delightlyfully cool, light, and *nothing*.
I must admit that I kind of skimmed over the scary parts of the review. I also thought it said “frog,” and it wasn’t until I read Gwen’s comment that I realized my mistake. The picture of the stuff on the spoons looks almost like frog innards (except that I haven’t actually seen frog innards). Maybe that’s what subliminally planted the “frog” idea in my brain. Marvo’s pictures are planting things in my brain!
After this review, I am quite sure that I will never buy this product! Mostly because I’m too pake to buy Yoplait yogurt, but also because of the scary bits.
How exactly do you know your armpits are Tangy after you go jogging? Or do I really not wana know!?
I’ve had this, and it’s tasty, but the texture is a little reminiscent of the old Hunt’s chocolate pudding cups that my mom packed in my lunches before the really good Jell-O pudding cups came out.
But it’s good. Fuzzy pink slippers good. Or punching those annoying girls in the commercial good.
I’ve learned so much about bondage from this post!
Thank you, marvo!
now… to combine yogurt and bondage…
*scratches chin*
I’ve got it!
*runs off*
urgh, i think i’m gonna . . .yeah, i just threw up. gah. thanks marvo.
“Like all yogurts and my armpits after I go jogging, the Yoplait Whips! was slightly tangy”
OH MY GOD. I so do not want to know how you know that about your armpits.
After reading this review, I’d sort of like to bite you, Marvo…. I’ll bet you taste better than a chocolate sponge, too.
i know you just really want to review bondage gear. you don’t have to hide it in some lame yogurt, you know. be yourself. embrace your inner freak. outer freak. whatever.
btw, i love nikki sixx. that’s my mantra for the rest of the year.
Biting = good. Really good.
no mention of how to integrate the yogurt into said sex play?
I’m not all that surprised that you are so well versed in bondage gear. Word is that’s what Japanese are really into.
you are sizzling these dayz, blog-wise. must be all those rides on the berkley horse
I didn’t know you jogged.
You like biting, but have you tried clawing? I prefer that to the other. Of course, I’m on the giving end, rather than the receiving one. Now grovel for your lack of taste in kinky activities. :: wink ::
You Hawaiians get jipped. 69 cents for a yogurt? 51 cents here in wisc. and 44 cents for wal marts brand.
Heh heh. I am acting so jewish to not pay those 19 cents.
You didn’t make a reference to the price in your review. wouldn’t the price 69 fit in with your whole BDSM theme?
sure, it looks like shit.
but I’d eat it.
You sure know a lot about that S&M stuff, Marvo. Maybe a little too much. I think this is my favorite review of all time, simply because it has the phrase “ass hooks.”
Okay, that totally looks like wet cat food on the spoon. Was that *really* the yogurt, or did you indeed slip some mushy cat chow on there? Either way, I think I will likely never eat this yogurt. Urp. Meow. Aaaaak! :hairball:
See I would have considered eating it till I saw the picture of it on the spoon. Ewww.
I am also slightly frightened that you know the terms to so many bondage items. Hopefully you had to google it all. 🙂
Best Yogurt EVER!!!!
Chuck – It could be coincidence because when yogurt goes on sale at the national grocery store chain I shop at, it’s usually for 69 cents.
Pel – But it’s actually kind of good, just close your eyes when you eat it. It’s what I would do if I had to go down on Star Jones.
Gwen – Come on. I know you want to try the spreader bars or the gas masks. 😉
Amber LB – Just because Yoplait sounds European, doesn’t mean it has a European price. I always buy my yogurt on sale and all of the yogurts sell for 69 cents when on sale. Also, I’ve seen the innards of a frog, and I assure you that they don’t look like what’s in the picture, unless someone stuffed them in there.
Ultimate Best Vamp Ever – That for me to know and my dominatrix to never tell you. 😉
Mandy – I’ve never had the Hunt’s chocolate pudding cups, only the good creamy Jell-O stuff. Thank you, Mr. Cosby!
KT – Yes, I’m here to educate with my knowledge of trivial kinky information.
ultradave – You know it could’ve of been worse. The links could’ve been pictures of me in bondage gear. That will definitely make people throw up.
Toni – It’s just like I told Ultimate Best Vamp Ever, that’s for me to know and my dominatrix to never tell you.
Mir – Just don’t bite my armpits, they have a tendency to be kind of tangy.
dramastically – If someone would send me free bondage gear, I would totally review it. I’d even include pictures, so everyone will throw up when they see it. It would totally be an interactive review. Also, I love Nikki Cox.
Karen – Biting = good. Biting by dog = really bad. Biting by vampire = not bad (immortality would be nice).
klew – Works just like pudding, anything from Jamba Juice, jelly, jam, cool whip, ice cream, and baby food.
Gia on Guam – I would totally suck at shibari, because I totally suck at knots. It’s also the reason why I hated being in the Boy Scouts.
TG – Being on a Berkley horse is pretty painful, but not as painful as the splinters from the Berkley horse.
cybele – I NEED to, especially with all the stuff I eat. Also, I need to keep my girlish figure.
TheInfamousJ – Clawing isn’t bad too, but when blood starts appearing, then it isn’t fun anymore.
Muneer – I would think yogurt would be cheap in Wisconsin. After all, you folks have more dairy products than all of Africa.
Webmiztris – Sure, Nicole Richie looks like shit. But I’d still tap that ass. Okay, not really.
rfduck – I left out cock hooks, because ass hooks sounds funnier than cock hooks.
Mellie Helen – That’s the real deal. That’s the actual yogurt. If not, may Santa give me nothing but a lump of coal. Or a picture of Gilbert Gottfried.
Tara – Hey, never judge a book by its cover, and never judge a yogurt by the way it looks in a picture on a quasi-product review blog.
nat – Yes, it is good. But the problem with Yoplait yogurts is that damn lip. It points inward, so it’s hard to get that last scoop of yogurt, unless you enjoy running your tongue under the lip, like I do.
I’m glad you found a way to make reference to tangy armpits. That just adds to the reasons your blog totally pwnz.
Robyn – Oh, but I wish they were sweet armpits.
ohhhhh that is a horrible picture. i thought this stuff might be good but thank god i saw the pic cause if i had spooned that up in person i would have yakked in the floor. thank u marvo, for saving my floor!!
wow that looks like you have raided a dog feces infested lawn and scooped it up onto your spoon…and i think that the whips are a rip off…they whip it so they don’t have to put as much in the damn container…cheap bastards
Laina – It is good, but if you’re worried about how it looks, just do what Claudia Schiffer did when she was shaggin’ David Copperfield…Close your eyes.
Nicki – I only raid dog feces infested lawns when I want to burn bags of dog poop in front of peoples’ front doors.