(Editor’s Note: Today’s review contains links that are probably not safe for work. Unless you work at home. Or at a 24-hour adult video store. Or at Leather & Chains R Us. Or at a nightclub that’s located in some basement called The Torture Lounge that smells like leather and has more ropes than a Boy Scout camp.)
Because today’s review is about a product called Yoplait Whips!, it would be SO easy to start off this review by writing about S&M bondage gear.
You know, like whips, chains, spiked collars, leather masks, handcuffs, ball gags, ropes, belly chains, hobble skirts, thumbcuffs, bondage hooks, monogloves, sleepsacks, bit gags, belts, breast binders, ass hooks, chastity belts, corsets, D-rings, elbow harnesses, humblers, and inflatable gags.
However, since I seem to mention bondage in every fifth review, it would’ve been too predictable for me to write about things like muzzles, panic snaps, posture collars, ring gags, shackles, stocks, suspension cuffs, Berkley horses, fisting slings, whipping benches, blindfolds, bondage hoods, gas masks, vacuum beds, spanking paddles, and nipple clamps.
So instead of writing about pony harnesses, dental forceps, funnel gags, floggers, spanking horses, and spreader bars, I’m going to write about how the live and active cultures in Yoplait Whips! Chocolate Mousse Style yogurt are the best I’ve ever eaten.
Live and active cultures are bacteria, except they’re good bacteria. They’re not like the bacteria that makes you sick or the bacteria you get after spending some time with a Southeast Asian bar girl who asks you to buy her a lot of “drinkie-drinkie.”
Having good and bad bacteria is much like how there’s bad cholesterol (LDL) and good cholesterol (HDL). It’s also like how there’s pre-Thriller Michael Jackson and post-Thriller Michael Jackson.
Although the Yoplait Whips! Chocolate Mousse Style yogurt had the best live and active cultures I’ve ever tasted, it wasn’t the best yogurt I’ve ever had. That title belongs to whatever TCBY pumps out of those soft serve machines.
Like all yogurts and my armpits after I go jogging, the Yoplait Whips! was slightly tangy, which made me think there was some kind of fruit in the yogurt, but it’s only chocolate.
One of the things that was weird about the Yoplait Whips! was the texture of it. If you take a look at the picture above, the yogurt looks like a chocolate sponge or (insert your imagination here). I also think the texture of the yogurt in my mouth is the same feeling I would get if I decided to eat fog.
The Yoplait Whips! Chocolate Mousse Style yogurt is light and fluffy like an actual chocolate mousse, but it’s definitely not cream and smooth like one.
Hmm…Maybe the reason why I don’t truly love the Yoplait Whips! Chocolate Mousse Style yogurt is because I don’t really enjoy things light and fluffy.
I prefer harsh and rough, with maybe a little biting.
Item: Yoplait Whips! Chocolate Mousse Style
Purchase Price: 69 cents (on sale)
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Chocolate yogurt. Best live and active cultures I’ve ever had. Good cholesterol. Five grams of protein. Things that are harsh and rough. Biting.
Cons: It’s like eating a chocolate sponge. Bad cholesterol. My armpits after jogging. Southeast Asian bar girls who scratch a lot.