I guess being fake is the new black.
Just ask James Frey and the Morningstar Farms Honey Mustard Chik’n Tenders.
How could you do this to me, Morningstar Farms Honey Mustard Chik’n Tenders?
God, I feel so cheated, bamboozled, conned, deceived, defrauded, duped, finagled, hoodwinked, mislead, screwed, suckered, swindled, victimized, and any other word in the thesaurus that also means to be cheated.
I trusted that you would give me delicious chicken tender goodness in exchange for my three dollars and fifty cents. How was I supposed to know that you were veggie tenders and didn’t contain any “chik’n” at all?
I know it says “veggie tenders” on your box, but I thought the amount of veggies in you were the same amounts of shredded carrots and celery the cafeteria workers at my old grade school would sneak into the meat lasagna to meet USDA school lunch standards.
Also, on top of the lie about you not having any chicken, I later learned that you contained milk and egg ingredients, which really doesn’t make you 100% vegetarian, like your box says. So to vegans, you’re not really 100% vegetarian, you’re just inedible and a liar.
How are my vegan homies supposed to keep it real?
I really feel duped. I feel duped. But more importantly I feel that you betrayed millions of eaters.
The pleasing scent of honey mustard that filled my kitchen might’ve made up for all the lies, but your honey mustard taste was weak. I wish your honey mustard flavor came in the form of a dipping sauce.
After eating a couple of “chik’n” tenders, I decided to eat the rest using a more honest condiment, ketchup, which is made from REAL tomato concentrate.
But that’s not the end of the lies. Here’s another one. You look so crispy on the box, but sticking you in my toaster oven for over twenty minutes at 375 degrees wasn’t even enough to make you crispy.
Also, why do you come with seven “chik’n” tenders? That’s an odd number. Are you going to lie to me and say the 8th piece was actually a chicken tender and because it was a chicken tender, it ran away.
At least you’re slightly healthy, with 7 grams of fat, 13 grams of protein, 4 grams of fiber and 480 mg of sodium in only two pieces. Unless you’re lying about that too.
Despite being a liar, you are a healthier substitute for real chicken nuggets, especially McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets. However, just like McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets, I don’t know what’s in you, and I really don’t want to know.
Besides, even if you did tell me, it would probably be just a lie.
Item: Morningstar Farms Honey Mustard Chik’n Tenders
Purchase Price: $3.50 (on sale)
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Healthier than other chicken nuggets. Nice honey mustard smell. High in protein and dietary fiber. Ketchup.
Cons: A big fat liar. Weak honey mustard taste. High sodium. Wasn’t crispy. Contains milk and egg ingredients, which my strict vegetarians homies may not like.
well they were made by Satan himself. Look it even says Morningstar Farms on the box. Satan was called The Morningstar. These came from his farm. They also say he’s the father of all lies. You see Satan had his hand in this one.
I like real chicken and real meat but a friend fixed me a Gardenburger Savory Portabella burger and it was pretty good. Other than that give me the real thing. I am a carnivore so screw fake meat products!
Perhaps these would taste better if they were deep-fried. That’s the Wisconsin solution for any culinary dilemma.
7 grams of fat and 480 mg of sodium in only two pieces? And who eats only two pieces? I would hardly call that healthy.
Their pants should be on fire.
I believe it is morally reprehensible to eat anything that is spelled so atrociously as “chik’n”. There’s a direct correlation between how bad the spelling is to how bad the food is.
Wait! You didn’t tell me if it actually tasted/felt like chicken!
I actually like them. I have been an ovo-lacto (dairy-eating) vegetarian for 12+ years, and they are pretty good. I would probably only get them once every six months, but when I got a box to try them, I liked them. The buffalo wings are pretty good too.
I’m a man, so when the “V” word gets uttered I rush to the fridge and slam raw meat to further enhance my man aura. Now I know what you’re thinking, Men don’t have aura’s, but I am such a man and I eat so much meat that the souls of cows,pigs and chickens constantly haunt around my person so it looks like a delicious aura. Anyway, the point of my post is to say that nobody should be a vegitarian and that coffee makes me poop.
I am a flexitarian, so technically I could still eat the blood and flesh chickens, but the veggie chickens are pretty good too. From my experience, they need to bake, and you got to have something to dip’em in. Same with the morningstart veggie sausages: really good when crispened in the skillet and dipped in syrup, really nasty when micronuked and eaten plain….. http://www.iniardwatch.com
ohh.. I love this! they are SO SO SO SO GOOD!
Microwaved and Mmmm.. put some ketchup on them, and DAMN! it’s so good!
With all of those cons, how could you give these a 2.5? Seems like a 1.5 at the MOST! Soggy nuggets? YUCKO!
Ok, back when I was a meat-eater, I really liked these. However, I’ve now gone vegan and was very sad to read the ingredients box in the store one day and find that I can’t have them anymore. Boo..
Jude: What is a flexitarian? I’ve never heard that word before.
100% vegetarian they are, even if vegan they are not, since the food industry considers the standard vegetarian to be ovo-lacto (that’s pretty much ubiquitous).
that said, I don’t eat these, since fake meat tricks my mouth and gives me unfounded panic that I’m actually eating meat…
entertaining review, as per always
Can’t we just stick with good ol’ authentic processed chicken products?
…Or just fry some tofu; I think that would taste better. Not like chik’n, but…stuff shouldn’t taste like chik’n.
Marvo,
There are other Morningstar products that are pretty good – the black bean burgers and the tomato basil burgers. I eat them all the time. You should give them a try.
I’ve never tried these. I like the black bean burgers, though. I did try the fake Buffalo chicken wings (I think they’re made by Gardenburger). I bought some extra Buffalo wing sauce, just in case I needed it, and I did. They were…eh, okay.
I just recently found your site and I like it a lot.
1) You’re a moron. If something says “Veggie Tenders” “Veggie Patty” “Veggie ____” you look closer. ESPECIALLY when it has the word “CHIK’N” — it’s a pretty good RULE that “mock meat” products use “mock meat” names. They almost never say the actual name of what it is. This is not “CHICKEN”, it’s CHIK’N – get it?
2) You’re a moron. “Vegetarian” and “Vegan” are not the same thing. I really wish the carnivorous populace out there would realize that there are many different types or styles of Vegetarianism, and “VEGANISM” is merely one, extreme side of vegetarianism.
3) These things are gross. I hate them. And you’re absolutely right, they will never ever get “Crispy” – if you can get over that, it’s ok. But the taste is kind of … not right. The “Buffalo Wings” are much better.
4) you get Kudos for not totally freaking out at the fact that they’re not meat. What irritates me more than anything (even people who don’t read the box) are people who say stupid crap like “I’m a man, so when the “V†word gets uttered I rush to the fridge and slam raw meat to further enhance my man aura” — even if that were a joke – high-and-mighty meat eaters are just as annoying as high-and-mighty vegetarians.
People, get off your soap boxes and just eat what you eat, it’s not a contest to see who’s cooler/healthier/whatever-er.
What irritates me more than anything is when someone comes around and insults regular posters/readers of this site, as well as the the owner himself… and doesn’t have the intelligence to come up with a user name, preferring to go by anonymous. Brilliant!
Dang! I’m with JMo. I’ve you’ve ever read this site, you’ll get the humor of this review. If not, you’ve been missing out by spending too much time on your rants.
Marvo, thanks for reviewing a veggie item! Please don’t let the above “anon” poster stop you from reviewing veg items!
And while this product isn’t vegan (as few Morningstar products are), it IS vegetarian and that is loads better than not having a choice like this around for vegetarians! And they are “healthier” than the real thaaanngg, of course, so nice as a public service to get the word out about these guys.
Thanks for the cool review. I’ll be trying these soon, if I can find them!
:o)
Karen
P.S. to Jobetta, i like your blog!
As for “flexitarian” it’s kinda B.S. in my opinion, insofar as them calling themselves “vegetarians,” but nevertheless here’s a story from 2004 on ’em:
http://msnbc.msn.com/id/4541605/
Not sure how one can be a “meat-eating vegetarian,” because that’s an oxymoron if I ever heard one, but there ya go…
Hi Karen!
Thanks for the link and the compliment!
Anonymous: Dude… have you EVER read this blog? Clearly it’s humorous and the fact that Marvo claimed to not know these were fake meat was a joke (or, even if he really didn’t know.. again? It’s funny) . Also, I am a vegan (for health reasons, more than moral ones), and I didn’t interpret Marvo’s post to mean he thinks vegetarian and vegan are the same thing. The whole thing is meant to be funny. Seriously, get your panties out of a twist or grow a pair and post your name next time.
So a “flexitarian” diet means…. you’re a normal omnivore who eats a healthy ammount of vegetables like the food pyramid says you should? Are these people who were vegetarians and decided they needed meat or are they people who ate too much meat and decided they liked vegetarian meals? I’m confused. I mean, I don’t care if people eat meat and they can call themselves whatever they want, but. . .. that’s weird. Maybe that’s why when I tell people in my hunting-friendly carnivorous town that “I don’t eat animals” they say “that’s ok, I’ll make chicken…”
Anonymous #1 – Satan is a vegetarian? I guess that makes sense. Smelling burning flesh every single day in hell would probably make me turn vegetarian as well.
govtdrone – Another problem I have with these is that when I eat them I cannot be what I eat. When I eat chicken, I am a chicken. Well I guess, I’ve always been a chicken, so it doesn’t matter if I eat it or not.
Chuck – Oooh, I’ve got one word for you…CRISCO!!!
Peggasus – Yeah, I guess 7 grams of fat and 480 mg of sodium isn’t very healthy, but there’s fiber, which will help make their pants catch on fire easier when they fart.
Mandy – It could be worse, it could’ve been plural and spelled, “chik’nz.”
dramastically – Oops. I suck as a quasi-product review blog editor. I didn’t taste like chicken, but it did have the consistency of a Chicken McNugget, but I’m not sure if that a good thing or a bad thing.
Meredith – They have Morningstar Farms buffalo wings? Hmm…Buffalo wings aren’t made of buffalo, but are made out of chicken. Morningstar Farms buffalo wings aren’t make out of chicken. That must be one confused vegetarian food.
IeatHippiesBecauseTheyAreMeat – Hey IeatHippiesBecauseTheyAreMeat! Before eating hippies don’t forget to shave them, unless you’re cooking them on an open fire. Because if you don’t, it’s not going to be fun pulling out crinkled hair between your teeth. Oh yeah, plus hairballs.
Jude – I really did want to stick them in the microwave, but I’m impatient. Although they probably would’ve been just as soggy as those I stuck in the toaster oven.
kt – Ketchup makes almost everything better, except ketchup, because ketchup is already better. Did I blow your mind with that!?! Probably not. 🙁
nat – I think the extra point was probably a pity point for the soy products in it who have to pretend to be chik’n meat.
Jobetta – You can have them…I won’t tell anyone. I promise.
psyche – Holy crap! I didn’t realize how many vegetarians and vegans read the Impulsive Buy. Maybe I should be writing more vegetarian reviews…Or maybe a whole lot more meat reviews. Heh. Heh.
Robyn – Mmm…Fried tofu. Excuse me. I’m just going to go grab a fried tofu curry from the Curry House down the street.
Sasha_Kitty – I’ve had a few of those, or was it the Boca Burger. Anyway, the problem I have with those is the fact that the patties are so small. They don’t satisfy the gluttonous part of me.
officeconfidential – You’re the second person to mention the black bean burgers. Maybe I should try those next. I wonder how hard it is to make my own veggie patties?
Anonymous #2 – You know, you’re right…I am a complete moron. But I can’t help it, b-b-because…I can’t read. There, I finally said it. I CAN’T READ!!! I actually have to have someone read every comment to me because I can’t read a word. And that’s the reason why I didn’t know they were veggie tenders. So there, are you happy now? You got me to admit I’m illiterate. I cheated my way through college to get my English degree. I’m a fake. A fraud. Just like these Morningstar Farms Honey Mustard Chik’n Tenders. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go cry alone in the corner of my bedroom and attempt to read Dr. Seuss’ The Cat in the Hat. 🙁
JMo – I’m with you, JMo. If anyone is going to call me a moron, it’s going to be me. If anyone is going to call me a cocksucker, it’s going to be me. If anyone is going to call me an asshole, it’s going to be me. If anyone is going to call me the sexiest man alive, it’s going to be me, and probably no one else.
Sharon – That’s okay if Anonymous #2 doesn’t get it, because some people out there don’t have a sense of humor or they just don’t understand my humor. But I have a feeling that because Anonymous #2 likes to use the word “moron” a little too much, I believe that Anonymous #2 is actually Dr. Phil. Or Anonymous #2 doesn’t have a thesaurus to come up with another word for moron. Either one.
Karen – I may just review more veg items and then I’ll make Anonymous #2 call me a moron again for getting my lacto, ovo, and lacto-ovo vegetarians mixed up. Then I’ll get the raw food diet mixed up with fruitarianism. By then, Anonymous #2 would have called me “moron” so many times that it would have even less of a meaning to me than it does now.
Jobetta – Maybe it’s my simple mind, but every time the word “carnivorous” comes up, I always think of a Tyrannosaurus Rex.
Marvo- You are the sexiest man alive. The pic of your face cover in pie still fuels fantasys. That and the hairless leg. Damn, now I’m getting all worked up. And the one pasty hite leg, and the one nicely tanned leg. Oooohhhh…. You rock Marvo. Those who don’t know it can stay anon. And personally, if it’s not deep fired or covered in sugar, it’s not worth it.
Meant white. guess I should proofread.
honestly – how can veggies be made to taste ANYTHING like chicken? they should have VEGGIE written in big letters….I don’t even think I would have noticed the small print above “Chik’n Tenders”….LIARS! And really they’re not even healthy with that much fat in two pieces…what’s the point?
Marvo: I too, think of a T-Rex when I hear the word carnivorous. And as T-Rex’s are just about the most awesome animals EVER, I enjoy saying carnivorous.
ga girl- I agree with you completely! Marvo and deep fried sugary foods = heaven! *drool*
Maybe we should start a Marvo fan club? 🙂
I like the fako chicken pieces in general. I prefer them to real chicken thingies at this point, texturewise and flavorwise.
Wow nothing like consuming meat-like product… i don’t know how they even got away with putting Chick’n on it it should have been chick’out…the only chicken in it is the baby ones that taste so delicious…damn those morning star farm people…damn them
Marvo, I’ve got one word for you….LARD!
(Seriously, a local supermarket here has a large section where you can buy prepackaged lard for cooking. Even LESS healthy than Crisco.)
Nicki – chick’out…hahahhahaha
I’m omnivorous and don’t feel a bit guilty. There was a time when I chose not to eat meat products but I got over that.
I also like really rare slabs of prime rib with horseradish and dijon mustard.
Meh. I’ve tried a couple of fake meat products out of curiosity, and most of the time they’re not very good. I used to go out with a vegan, and one time we went to a vegan restaurant. He ordered “neatloaf”, and there’s no way it resembled meatloaf in any way. It looked like oatmeal in a loaf shape, and tasted like oatmeal.
Its amazing what companies will put onto a box but make it small enough that you read over it. I certainly didnt catch the “veggie tenders” when I first glanced at it.
Peanut oil is the best for deep frying anything! We deep fried ducklings for Christmas this year. Yum! We actually have a giant turkey deep fryer as well as a counter-sized model. I like to make Tofu Katsu and Spam Katsu, next time I’ll have to try frying ’em in peanut oil.
I wanna join the Marvo fan club. Marvo is sooooo awesome. The one hairy leg, the one tan leg, the use of a toaster oven, his Corolla ownership. Even his obsession with sodium content is charming.
I’ve noticed that you’ve laid off of your more, ahem, mature references the last few reviews. Marvo, does that mean you now have a girlfriend and are getting some? Maybe a vegetarian or something?
I want in on the Marvo fan club too 😉
Marvo rocks, all those hataz back off..superb as usual man, keep it up
ga girl – Just to let you know, both legs are now white and with hair.
Webmiztris – They are saving the lives of chicken…Until KFC comes around.
Jobetta – A T-Rex is totally cool. Big like a building, but dumb like Paris Hilton.
JMo – Do I really go well with deep fried sugary food? I’ve always thought I would go great with ketchup.
z – Maybe if KFC had their herbs and spices in the fake chicken, I would enjoy them more.
Nicki – Mmm…Chicken fetuses.
Chuck – I believe I’ve seen lard here too. It maybe bad for you, but I hear it makes things taste pretty good.
Gia on Guam – Mmm…Prime rib. I haven’t had a good prime rib in a long time. Must find prime rib buffet…
Toni – I keep hearing about tofurky and how it’s shaped like an actual turkey. I’m curious to try that someday.
Kevin – I wish Pringles would put a warning label on their cans that say, “Warning: You may eat the entire can in one sitting…Fat ass.”
Amber LB – Holy crap! You have a giant turkey deep fryer! Anyway, as for the lack of mature references, it isn’t because of a girlfriend or because I’m getting some. I’m just trying to be not so one-dimensional. Although, I think if I did have a girlfriend, the amount of sexual references would probably rise about 100 percent and the amount of contraceptive reviews will increase by 1000 percent.
Ultimate Best Vamp Ever – I wonder what would be the benefits of having a Marvo fan club. Will there be dues? Do I have to provide 8×10 photos of myself or just my legs?
DeAndre’ – Thanks, I try my best. Unless I’m drunk, then it’s pretty much crap and I’ll start writing about puppies and how I enjoy the smell of freshly cut grass.
“Jobetta – A T-Rex is totally cool. Big like a building, but dumb like Paris Hilton.”
Totally. Actually I think the T-Rex might be smarter and far less self-involved than Paris Hilton. If I ever become an archaeologist and discover a T-rex skeleton I’m going to name it Paris Hilton.
I’m a former vegetarian but I still eat a lot of non-meat stuff. I prefer the spicy buffalo version of these. They are not bad if you can remember from the get-go that they aren’t chicken and will not taste just like it. I have to remind my hubs of that all the time. They actually do get crunchy if you cook them in a toaster oven. Works for me, anyway 🙂
Jobetta – Also, the T-Rex’s acting ability in Jurassic Park was 1,000 times better than the acting job Paris Hilton did in House of Wax.
Izzy – You’re the third or fourth person to mention the buffalo wing version. Hmm…I am intrigued by them even more.
I had a 12 oz prime rib – still mooing on Saturday night…too bad 3 ounces of it was fat. Those aussie bastards cheated me.
Gia on Guam – Mmm…Prime rib. Soooo good! Mmm…Bloody.