As I chewed on the Extra Cool Watermelon Gum, I wondered how can I be extra cool. How can I be the pinnacle of cool? How can I be so cool that if I wore a cardboard Burger King crown everywhere I went, everyone in the country would want to wear one?
But before I could become extra cool, I had to figure out how to be just plain old cool. The only way I could figure out how to do this was by watching the ultimate indicator of coolness…MTV.
So what did I learn from watching MTV?
The first thing I need to become cool is to get some Grillz made for me. Preferably, I need thirty down at the bottom, thirty mo’ at the top.
Another thing I need to become cool is that I must live in the community of Laguna Beach, in a house with a bunch of cameras and roommates from different backgrounds, but one of them definitely either needs to be gay, African-American, or both.
Also, I need to have a super sweet 16 party at some fancy-schmancy place with Fall Out Boy or Maroon 5 playing.
Oh yeah, I also need spinning chrome rims for my car.
But now that I think about it, all of this wouldn’t just make me cool, it would automatically make me extra cool. Sure it’s expensive, but I think it’s worth it.
Grillz…$30,000.
A crib in Laguna Beach…$7 million.
Super Sweet 16 Party…$35,000.
Spinning chrome rims…$20,000.
Seeing people around the country wear a Burger King crown on their head because I made it cool…Priceless.
Now all I need is about $7.1 million dollars and I’ll be on my way to coolness and the rest of y’all will be on your way to wearing cardboard Burger King crowns.
However, right now, I’m not even as cool as this Extra Cool Watermelon Gum.
Not only does it have the word “cool” on its packaging, it also comes in pink, which is probably the coolest color out there for women, some gay men, guys who have their girlfriends pick their clothes, and people who mix their whites and colors in the washing machine.
It also has very good watermelon taste, which was a taste I would’ve expected from Hubba Bubba gum, Bubblicious gum, Big League Chew gum, or a stripper who LOVES watermelon body oil, but not from a stick of Extra gum. How cool is that?
Even by association, the Extra Cool Watermelon Gum doesn’t even make me slightly cool. Right now, I think I’m as cool as an over-produced, mass-marketed “Vote for Pedro” t-shirt.
(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy reader dramastically for letting me know about the Extra Cool Watermelon Gum. Also, go read TG’s take on the gum at NYCE.)
Item: Extra Cool Watermelon Gum
Purchase Price: $1.09
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Significantly cooler than me. Good watermelony flavor. Decent-lasting flavor. No watermelon seeds. Chewing it doesn’t make me slightly cool. Comes in pink, which is good for some people. Strippers who love watermelon body oil.
Cons: Can’t blow decent bubbles with it. “Vote for Pedro” t-shirts. The amount of money needed to become extra cool. Not being able to realize my dream of seeing people wear cardboard Burger King crowns on their heads.