Oh yeah, baby.
Now that I’ve got an Ikea Skyar Lamp in my room, it’s now the perfect place for making sweet, sweet love. The glow from the handmade paper lamp sets my mood and my room for love, baby. It’s the perfect lamp for making hot, passionate love, because it looks like an erection with a condom that’s way too big for it, hence the wrinkling. Its metal shaft and metal balls…I mean base will make sure it stands up all night.
The lamp has three sockets to insert bulbs in, which aren’t included in the box, but putting two of them in gives enough light to set the mood for lovin’ and enough darkness to hide my face, which helps prevent you from realizing that you’re making sweet, sweet love to me.
Turning on the lamp is as easy as turning me on, baby. The switch is on the electrical cord and it’s a big switch, which makes it easy to instantly turn off the lamp, just in case you don’t like seeing the hairy forests under my armpits or around my C-3PO and my two R2D2s when we get down to our Adam and Eve costumes.
With only me, you, and the glow from the Ikea Skyar Lamp, the first thing I would do is lay above you and lick your eyebrows, like I was a cat cleaning your fur. Awww, yeah. You know you like that. Then I would work my way down your beautiful face to your luscious nose, licking the tip of it. Don’t worry, baby. I brushed my teeth AND my tongue.
From there I would make my way south to your lovely lips, kissing them ever so gently and then licking them so that I can taste the flavor of your lipstick. Then I would passionately bite your lower lip, slowly pull it away from you, let it go, and then bark once like a dog.
By this point, I know you want me, but I’ll keep the anticipation high and make you want me even more.
After your lovely lips, I would gently caress your Mauna Kea and Mauna Loa, licking the observatories on each summit, making their telescopes extend. I’ll make sure that I spend an equal amount of time on each mountain, examining every inch with my famous French explorer, Captain Ton Gue.
Once Captain Ton Gue has spent enough time to create a topographic map of your mountain range, I’ll move down to find whatever treasures await me in that cave called the belly button…Unless it’s an outie.
In that situation, I’ll just head back north and spend a little more time in the mountain ranges, which will allow me to soak up more of the surrounding area, like the cleavage or armpits.
After exploring your belly button with Captain Ton Gue and removing whatever lint and dirt he collected on his uniform, I’ll move down to your Yosemite Valley. The first thing I would do there is admire your rock formations on both sides of the valley, then I’d clear some brush, if there is brush, and then I’d make my way inside your visitor’s center with Captain Ton Gue. While at your visitor’s center, I would also make sure to eat at your snack bar for 15 minutes or longer and try to make your earth quake.
Once I’ve had my fill, or once you’ve had your fill, I’ll let you do whatever you want with my big quill pen and two ink wells. I’ll just lay back and enjoy what comes to your mind. Hopefully, you don’t make my two ink wells spill before the real fun.
After that, if you’re ready, you can have me your way, just like Burger King. We’ll be all over each other like two wet towels in a dryer on high heat.
Then two or three minutes later, I’ll be done, which is the same amount of time it took for me to put the Ikea Skyar Lamp together.
Don’t worry, baby. I’m all about quality, not quantity.
Item: Ikea Skyar Lamp
Price: $9.99 (on sale)
Purchased at: Ikea
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Frickin’ cheap, but looks slightly expensive. One of the nicest looking things in my apartment. Easy and quick to put together. The lamps glow is perfect for setting the mood for sweet, sweet lovin’. Big ass light switch on power cord. Eating at the snack bar in your Yosemite Valley.
Cons: Bulbs not included and must use a special type of bulbs. My inability to last longer than two or three minutes while making sweet, sweet love. Shipping it back to this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.