(Editor’s Note: When reading this review, please turn your internal reading voice into the voice of a crazy elderly person.)
Oh, I remember a time when water was just water. Oh my, how it has grown over the years. I remember a time when we didn’t get water out of a faucet or a bottle. Instead we would lower a bucket into a well and drink our fill using our cupped hands. That water was so refreshing, except whenever the town drunk would urinate into the well after a long night at the local tavern.
Oh, those were such different times back then. Simpler, if you will.
Oh, I remember those days when humans and forest animals would get along and come together every night to sing jolly melodies and tell adventurous tales of Lewis & Clark’s expedition across America with their grizzly bear companions, the Berenstain Bears and Fozzie Bear.
Oh, those were such wonderful times back then. Peaceful, if you will.
Oh, I remember when we would have competitions with each other to see who could climb to the top of the tallest redwood trees in the forest. Little blue men that called themselves Smurfs would cheer us on with the chant that went like this, “Smurf. Smurf. Smurf.” Then whenever we reached the top, we would say hello to the horned winged horses that circled around the treetops waiting for a rider. From the top of the trees we would leap onto the backs of one of the horned winged horses and whisper the magical words “giddy up” in its ear and it would take us to a magical land filled with edible gingerbread houses, roads paved with chocolate, and rivers flowing with apple juice.
Oh, those were such entertaining times back then. Merry, if you will.
Oh, I also have memories of wooing fair maidens at the local tavern. I would put on my finest Mongolian silk suit, which I purchased for ten dollars from a man of Oriental persuasion. I would drink a few ales to raise my courage so that I may bring myself to converse with the fair maiden with the most amount of teeth using words of poetry equal to a Shakespearian sonnet, like “Your ample busom widens my eyes, reddens my cheeks, and raises my groin.”
Oh, those were such lovely times back then. Charming, if you will.
Oh, what magical well does this Kellogg’s Special K20 Strawberry Kiwi Protein Water come from? Is it the same place where those horned winged horses come from? It’s much more refreshing than the urine-tainted water from a well, because it has a decent light strawberry kiwi taste, but the texture of it was oddly kind of gritty, like licking a dirty Smurf for psychedelic purposes.
Oh, just like fair maidens at a local tavern, it isn’t sweet, and it shouldn’t since it only has eight grams of sugar. If you’re drinking the Kellogg’s Special K20 Strawberry Kiwi Protein Water, you’re probably not drinking it for the sugar anyway, you’re drinking it for the five grams of protein it has, which is more than half the amount of protein in a cup of milk,
Oh, milk. That brings back a memory when we used to suck on a cow’s udder for nourishment and to quench our thirst when the local drunk would urinate into the well. We would lie under Bessy the Cow and suck on one of her teats for hours, while watching the clouds and horned winged horses go by.
Oh, those were the days.
Item: Kellogg’s Special K20 Strawberry Kiwi Protein Water
Price: $1.39 (16-ounces)
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Decent light strawberry kiwi taste. Not too sweet. Only 50 calories per bottle. 5 grams of protein = 10% of daily allowance. 8 grams of sugar per bottle. Licking a dirty Smurf for psychedelic purposes. Sucking on Bessy the Cow’s teat. The magical land filled with gingerbread houses, roads of chocolate, and rivers of apple juice.
Cons: Gritty texture. Not a good source of other vitamins and minerals. A cup of milk has more protein. Excessive use of “oh.” When the town drunk would urinate into the well.