I once had a crush in the eighth grade on a girl named Carol.
She was Hispanic, cute, smart, goofy, and dimples appeared on her cheeks when she smiled. I think it was Carol’s dimples that attracted me. She always seemed to have a smile on her face and because of that her dimples would always show. Her dad was a chef or something and perhaps because of that she kicked ass in our home economics class.
I remember her wearing a black and white checkerboard skirt every so often. I don’t know why I liked looking at it, but it seemed something cool that no one else wore. I like to think that perhaps Carol liked me too, until she started hanging out with Randy, that shaggy-haired bastard. For the first time in my life I felt jealousy. I considered Randy a friend, but after I saw him holding Carol’s hand around school, my friendship with him ceased to exist. No longer would I talk to him about episodes of the anime Star Blazers or play soccer on the same field as him.
The word “caramel” in the new Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream reminds me of Carol because caramel reminds me of her beautiful brown skin. But then again, a lot of things remind me of Carol, like when I look up at a full moon and see its craters, they remind me of her dimples. When I open an oven, I think of her home economic skills. Every time I see a tile floor with an alternating pattern, I think of her checkerboard skirt.
Tasting the Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream is much like my relationship with Carol before Randy and after Randy. The first sip I took from it had a delightful caramel flavor with a hint of artificial sweeteners, which was as delightful as my time spent with Carol prior to Randy. The sip that quickly followed the first had the delightful caramel flavor sucked right out of it, much like how the life was sucked out of me when I saw Carol in her checkerboard skirt holding hands with that shaggy bastard Randy.
This sudden lack of caramel flavor in the following sip puzzled me, much like how Carol would find Randy attractive puzzled me. If Doogal existed back in the late 1980s, that’s what Randy would’ve looked like. Sure Randy was a nice guy and WAS my friend, but he was shorter than Carol and kind of clumsy.
Anyway, after more taste testing, I found out that if I take roughly three or four minute breaks between sips instead of taking a sip and quickly following that with another sip, the caramel flavor doesn’t go away. However, taking three or four minutes in between sips caused me to nurse the bottle of soda for a while, and when the soda got warm it just didn’t taste the same.
I don’t know how long or how many sips it takes to finish a 20-ounce bottle of Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream soda, but I went to find out.
Marvo: Mr. Turtle, how many sips does it take to finish a 20-ounce bottle of Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream soda?
Mr. Turtle: I never made it without biting. Ask Mr. Owl.
Marvo: Mr. Owl, how many sips does it take to finish a 20-ounce bottle of Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream soda?
Mr. Owl: Let’s find out. One… two-HOO… three..
Mr. Owl: Crunch!
Mr. Owl: Three!
Marvo: Three? What are you? A frickin’ goat? What kind of animal bites into a plastic bottle? With the bottle in that condition, I don’t even think I can get my five cents back when I recycle it. Thanks, Mr. Owl! I hope the next mouse you eat has rabies.
Much like the rest of the Diet Pepsi Jazz flavors, the caramel cream version is good, as long as you take decent breaks in between sips. I don’t know why it loses its flavor like it does when taking a second sip quickly after the first, but if you want to overcome the problem, I suggest drinking it via beer bong or shotgun style. That way it’s just one gigantic sip.
Item: Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream
Price: $1.09 (20-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Good for a diet soda. Caramel-ly. First sip is good and sips after long breaks are good. Zero calories, fat, carbs, and sugar. Low sodium. Star Blazers. Carol’s dimples. Carol’s checkerboard skirt. Carol’s home economics skillz.
Cons: The sip that quickly follows the initial sip won’t taste as good as the first. Slight artificial sweetener taste. Gets shitty as it gets warm. That shaggy-haired bastard Randy. Mr. Owl.
Bravo Marvo…. I think this might be the craziest damn review you’ve written yet.
Thanks, Mr. Fuckin’ Owl! LOL…nice use of a retro commercial in your review there, Marvo. “Hey, let’s make Marvo review it! He hates everything! He likes it? Hey Marvo!”
Zadillo – Or maybe it’s a ploy to find Claudia and make her mine.
Chuck – When I was looking it up on Wikipedia, I found out there’s a computer animated version of the Tootsie Pop commercial. Also, I don’t hate everything, but I do give 3 out of 5’s to most products.
Marvo – I was ad-libbing the dialogue to the old Life Cereal commercial with Mikey. That one might be a bit before your time.
I thik you might have been biased against the caramel soda because it reminds you of a caramel colored girl who once broke your heart :0(
This cracked me up. I love the Mr. Owl part. Maybe someday you will meet beautiful Claudia again and find out she dated Russell only because she was afraid you didn’t love her back. Then there will be hot monkey-sex.
caramel soda? my teeth hurt just thinking about it….
Thank you for the throwback to the tootsie roll commercials. Nice.
This reminds me of the story Daisy Miller where the guy misinterprets her relationship with a questionable man and misses his opportunity to court her. Of course, she dies at the end. As should any girl who rejects the sweaty palms of the great Marvo!
Awwww…I got a little misty there. So, where’s Claudia now? Married and cleaning Russell The Bastard Douchebag’s dirty underwear or running that 3 star Michelin-rated restaurant and looking fabulous? She needs to call you. Or you her.
Nuh uh… No way. You’re not fooling me into drinking this swill, Mister “3 Out Of 5 Stars.” Nice try, my friend. Very crafty of you. How much is Pepsi paying, may I ask?
I reviewed the Strawberries and Cream kind of my site awhile back… And my review was decidedly less favorable. Suck on THAT, Pepsi!
I tried this a week ago and enjoyed it. It reminded me of RC Draft, the best cola ever. RC Draft RIP.
here’s a novel idea…cola flavored colas!
And there’s no way I’m trying this one, even if you give it 3 stars. Caramel and soda just do not go together!
Looks too much like a coffeee flavor…
Lovely Claudia story though. Damn you Russell, you hairy bastard!!
russell be damned!! you know. i found the story cute, because i myself own a checkerboard shirt ^_^
the pop is somewhat icky, this new-fangled “pepsi jazz” thing is not the yummiest. i’ll stick with tab, thanks…
Aww. Marvo’s first crush.
A checkerboard skirt? Wow. I can’t help but think of saddle shoes. LOL.
Y’know, the drink might be better as a mixer. I’m thinking a shot of rum would help.
Chuck – Nope, I remember it and Mikey is ALIVE.
tanya – Just like caramel gets stuck to my teeth, she stuck to my heart.
Melanie – Sadly, I am hairy enough to make it hot monkey sex.
Webmiztris – My heart hurts thinking about Claudia. 🙁
Marina – You’re welcome. I think in the next review I’ll make a reference to the Mean Joe Greene Coca-Cola commercial or the “Help I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up” commercial.
Ace N. – Don’t forget hairy palms too.
Domokun – I’m thinking Claudia is a millionaire and needs pool boy toy. Or she runs a 1-900 sex line.
litelysalted – A Pepsi sucking on itself? Sounds like a flexible dude in yoga class with a hard on.
Thommy Browne – Geez, RC Cola still exists. Anyway, I enjoyed RC Cola growing up. Much sweeter than Coke and Pepsi.
nat – Caramel color and soda definitely go together.
skibs – Shhh…That’s what Pepsi is going to release next.
Tamara – I think I liked her checkerboard skirt because I wanted to play checkers on it.
Brie – If only I had rum. I’ve got wayyy too many bottles of vodka.
“one…..two-hooo…..three. Three!”
I LOVED THAT. THANK YOU THANK YOU Dear Marvo- Claudia is a fool!
Marvo, I lurk, but never comment…until now.
As a caramel-hued (and perhaps flavored) Latina, I would like to offer my services as a post-Claudia remedy for your soul.
You bring the soda, I’ll bring–well, me!
-Brenda
P.S. You dodged a bullet: The only Claudia I ever knew was a total puta!
You obviously only have one option, hunt down Russell now and beat him up, dress in that skirt and set him loose on the beach……. with bows in his shaggy (probably balding by now) hair. Vengeance!!!!!
You know, those 20oz are supposed to be 2.5 servings, so if you actually only drank one serving, you could probably slow sip it and would still be cold when you finish it (but who the hell does something bizarre like that.)
Sick.
That’s all I got.
This column actually made me tear up, Marvo.
I just want to let you know, dude, I’ve been there. Here’s hoping both of us will find somebody to make us forget our first loves…
– BHS
I’ve never read a review like this. Great stuff 🙂
melis – I don’t know if Claudia is a fool, because back then I had the poser skater look going and braces…oh and the realization that I needed to start using deodorant.
Brenda – Hi, Brenda! How about we both bring sodas? Because I might bring something that you totally hate, like flat Diet 7Up. Also, the only Claudia you ever knew may have been a total puta, but in my single state, I can’t be picky.
Barb – I don’t want to hunt Russell down because that would take too much time. But I might be willing to pay someone to do it for me.
Natalia – Wait. What’s sick? My love for Claudia or the Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream?
tasakeru828 – I don’t know about forgetting my first love, because she took a piece of my heart and soul, which can’t be replaced, but can be temporarily bandaged with another love or pity sex.
tofubaby – Unfortunately, this blog has a whole bunch of reviews like this. 🙂
I don’t believe that this product exists.
Sorry about the lack of distinction. The soda, absolutely. The story of you and Claudia, and your journey together, was sweet. The type of sweet I enjoy, unlike that of drinking carbonated caramel. That’s just sick.
Awwww, the first half of your review is the sweetest review I’ve read Marvo! And the second half is just way cool with the Tootsie Pop reference!
I dunno about this caramel Pepsi, it sounds really sweet. I do miss vanilla Coke though.
Lila – I have one right next to me. Let me pinch myself and then see if it’s still there. OUCH. It’s still there. It’s real.
Natalia – Put those things together and it’s sickly sweet like excessive amounts of public displays of affection.
Kaonashi – I say make your own vanilla Coke. Get some vanilla syrup from a coffee shop and some Coke. Mix them together and voila! Vanilla Coke! Booyah!
Marvo,
I read your review literally hours before finding some of this myself. My experiences were far less favorable than yours. I saw things. Horrible, disturbing things.
“Thanks, Mr. Fuckin’ Owl” however, made my day.
twobitme – Well, one man’s New York Steak is another man’s Mountain Oysters. 🙂
Yes, RC Cola still exists but RC DRAFT does not. It was hands down the best cola ever. Before they stopped selling it they sold them at Target for $.10 a bottle. My room mates and I cleared them all out.
http://www.colawp.com/colas/300/cola338-emblem.jpg
Thommy Browne – I remember RC Cola being sweeter than Coke and Pepsi. Anyway, you might want to try eBay if you want to find more bottle of RC Draft.
This soda is disgusting. The other Jazz flavor were tolerable… but this makes me want to vomit.
Rebelgurl – But did it?
Actually, it did not suck. The soda was really good, I am a huge caramel person. And the review was awesome. Am adding this blog to my RSS feeds. Kudos, Marvo.
Dave – Hi Dave! Thanks for stopping by! And yes it was good…as long as I took breaks in between sips.