Briiiing. Briiiing.
Hello.
Oh, it’s for you Diet Coke Plus. It’s the 1990s and it wants the color teal back for its prom dresses and expansion professional sports teams, like the Florida Marlins (1993), Jacksonville Jaguars (1995), and San Jose Sharks (1991).
Did someone make teal the new black this season and not tell me? Because in the late 1990s I bought a multiple-discounted pair of teal Tommy Hilfiger jeans from a red tag clearance rack for only $3.99 and I drank enough Coke over the years to finally fit into them. Seriously Coke, if you’re trying to restart the teal trend, I think you picked the wrong color. Although, you could’ve picked teal’s depressing greenish color cousin seafoam, which doesn’t look good on bridesmaid’s dresses or actual seafoam.
Briiiing. Briiiing.
Moshi moshi.
Again, it’s for you Diet Coke Plus. It’s plus-sized people and they know the “Plus” in your name is there only because of the 15% Niacin, 15% Vitamin B6, 15% Vitamin B12, 10% Magnesium, and 10% Zinc of your daily allowances per serving added to you that isn’t found in regular Diet Coke, but they want to let you know that using the word “plus” to market a product to plus-sized people might not work. It’s like how adding the name Kim Kardashian to the words “sex tape” won’t help sell many of the sex tapes.
Who’s Kim Kardashian? Exactly.
Oh yeah, the plus-sized people also want to let you know that they always voted for Sanjaya on American Idol.
Briiiing. Briiiing.
Hola.
Okay. Diet Coke Plus, you seriously need to get your own cell phone. Anyway, it’s my tongue and it wants to know why your older sister Diet Coke tastes like metal playground equipment, while you taste like Diet Coke but a little bit better, a little more tolerable, and with a much better aftertaste? In other words, if Helen Keller drank Diet Coke, I’m pretty sure she would be totally pissed off because to her the taste would probably feel like she lost another one of her senses, but I don’t think you would piss her off that much.
I’m not sure if the vitamins and minerals added made you taste better, Diet Coke Plus, but since you have those vitamins and minerals, taste slightly better, and have the same zero calorie, zero fat, low sodium content as Diet Coke, I think I’ll pick you to drink when I become plus-sized.
Item: Diet Coke Plus
Price: 99 cents (20 ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Tastes slightly better than regular Diet Coke. Has vitamins and minerals added that’s not found in regular Diet Coke. Fat free. Zero calories. Some caffeine. Wearing teal in the 1990s.
Cons: It tastes like a diet soda. Kim Kardashian sex tape. Pissing off Helen Keller. My multiple-discounted pair of teal jeans. Diet Coke Plus needs its own phone. Seafoam. Sanjaya not winning American Idol.