When you need to make an important decision or come up with the next big idea, there isn’t a better or more useful tool than a monkey throwing poop.
Need to come up with a new twist on an old product? Need a name for your shitty Metallica cover band? Want to know if someone loves you or loves you not, but all the flowers you pick have an even number of petals? Still can’t decide if Rosie was an upgrade, a downgrade, or about the same when she replaced Star Jones on The View? Do you need to develop a new reality TV show that doesn’t involve singing, surviving, sexy singles, or selecting a briefcase?
If you’re faced with any of these situations, a poop-throwing monkey is what you need.
The only things I can think of that are almost as effective with making decisions for someone are Lee Iacocca, the Magic 8-Ball, and overprotective parents.
So how does a poop-throwing monkey work?
It’s actually very simple. First, get a monkey, which you can steal from a zoo, South American jungle, the Playboy Mansion, or animal testing laboratory. Then you need to stick the monkey in a room with targets on the walls. Each one of those targets will represent an idea or a decision.
Then you have to get the monkey to throw its own poop at the targets. You can do this by getting the monkey angry, but in a humane way, because I saw the movie “28 Days Later” and I don’t want to end up infected.
A humane way of making a monkey angry enough to throw poop is to make it watch all the episodes of “Flava of Love” which will make the monkey reject evolution and denounce the belief that humans are “superior,” since it will believe that it is more advanced than anyone on that show.
The new Twix PB possibly smells like the result of a feces-throwing monkey. I created possible targets that were used to come up with the idea of Twix PB, which are below.
Apparently, the monkey flung its poop to hit the targets for milk chocolate coating, chocolate cookie, and peanut butter filling and let me tell you that the monkey’s poop sure knows how to pick a good combination. The Twix PB has a stronger peanut butter taste and is more flavorful than the regular Peanut Butter Twix, which has a regular cookie instead of a chocolate one.
The Twix PB proves once again that the combination of just chocolate and peanut butter can’t go wrong and that poop-throwing monkeys shouldn’t be feared, they should be rewarded with food, because more food means more poop.
Item: Twix PB
Price: 59 cents
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Stronger peanut butter taste and more flavorful than regular Peanut Butter Twix. Usually can’t go wrong with chocolate and peanut butter. Using a monkey to help with decisions and new ideas.
Cons: Cleaning up after the poop-throwing monkey. Watching “Flava of Love.” Shitty Metallica cover bands. Getting a monkey from a South American jungle.
Um, this is one of the stranger review ideas I can remember on your site, Marvo, but I’m glad you enjoyed the candy bar and didn’t try eating monkey poop.
Strange Marvo – very strange. And how could you not include Michael Jackson as a source of a pilfered monkey?
Don’t forget Outbreak. That monkey was pretty pissed, too.
When I saw the Twix picture on your feedburner feed, I clicked through to check your review. I’m a Twix lover and I was all ready to try one of their new products, until…
I read about monkey poop. Strange one indeed.
Oh, man. I LOVE peanut butter Twix. Even more than I love monkey poop.
Granted, I don’t love monkey poop all that much…
But, I’m definitely going to try it. The twix, that is. Not the poop.(Psh. Like I’d ever do that again…)
Chuck – Yes, I pulled this one out of my ass. HA HA HA. Get it? I’m sorry that was lame. 🙁
Clevegal42 – I don’t think he has monkeys anymore. I think he had to give them away like he did with the elephant man’s bones.
Sep – But was also kind of cute. I could have it as a pet, get infected, and then die.
Single Ma – Despite the monkey poop, you should try it. It’s good.
Natalia – You never know. You just might get in the way of a monkey flinging poop to figure out the plot of the next Ben Stiller movie.
I do work with monkey poop at the lab, Marvo *whinny voice* you were my sweet escape, what do I now?
Monkeys are hysterical! Especially those l’il dirty Capuchin kind–funny story about me blacking out at a really ritzy bar/restaurant here in DC and waking up to a tortured eyebrowed drag queen bartender showing me a photo of him holding a Capuchin monkey at his home. “Blurgh…you’re not supposed to haaaave those here…as…..asssssssssss petsssss.” Drag Queen Bartender, “Oh, no, thees is at my Gwatamalan home.” Got worse from there.
Monkeys are hysterical!
Do you think something like a marmoset would be a good decision-making monkey? Because most monkeys are too big to fit in my tiny little work office.
I really need to upgrade from Magic 8-Ball. That bastard keeps telling me “Future murky. Try again later.” I’ve got deadlines to meet, dammit.
good monkey! I love anything chocolate and peanut butter. It’s absolutely orgasmic!
i think you may have forgotten to take your meds. i’m just sayin.
This puts me in the mind of all those Extreme candy bars, Marvo. With the exception of Reese’s Cups, I have no affinity with Peanut Butter. It just bothers me.
But I have never seen a monkey throw its own poop. I hear about them doing it, but sadly I’ve never seen it.
I have to say that was just a little… disturbing. All the chocolate, and the poop, and the monkeys, and… all of it.
i love these guys! Regular Twix is still da proverbial bomb, but this is pretty freakin’ great!
Hello, Your site is great. Regards, Valintino Guxxi
I have a hard time making decisions too, but I’m not gonna throw my own poop at targets, that’s for sure. It would get all in my french manicure and piss me off. I guess I’ll have to go get a monkey now!
i hate choclate candy, dirty animals, and fecal bacteria sooooo i wont be trying any of this. Sorrrry 🙂
havent they already made a twix with peanut butter?
i guess i am strange because i didnt think this review was all that strange…
FatYoli – Sadly, when people see me when I don’t shave, they think I’m the monkey.
Domokun – Monkey are fun and they have opposable thumbs!
Wednesday – How about a spider monkey or a baby gorilla?
webmiztris – Monkeys can be orgasmic. Orgasmically adorable! Awww…
Laurie – The only meds I take are caffeine and NyQuil when I’m sick. Sadly, I’m more fun when I take the NyQuil.
Brie – Just hang around a zoo and you will see it. I once saw a walrus erection at Sea World and loss some of my manliness.
Melanie – If you can still eat chocolate, it’s still okay.
K – Regular Twix is the shiznit! And I just totally killed the word “shiznit.”
Anon – Thanks!
Suzanne – The monkey is easier and if you can teach it to clean up after itself, it’s even better.
nicole – That’s okay. I’m sure Twix won’t mind. 🙂
stephanie – Yes, there is a Peanut Butter Twix, but this Twix has a chocolate cookie instead of a regular cookie.