York Mints

(Editor’s Note: To understand this review, please watch this old York Peppermint Pattie commercial.)

When I bite into a York Mint, I get the sensation that my balls have been groped a little too long by the cold, gloveless hands of my doctor, making me cough more than I should. While my testes slowly crawl up into my body to get away from the doctor’s rough, cold fingers, I wonder if it really was necessary to take my temperature with a rectal thermometer.

When I bite into a York Mint, I get the sensation that I’m sitting with a beautiful, intelligent girlfriend in the middle of romantic, candlelit Italian restaurant, holding her hands in mine and expressing my eternal love by whispering to her, “I love you dearly. When I first saw you, I thought you were the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, but now I think you’re even more beautiful. I love everything about you. Your smile. Your eyes. Your mind. Your heart. Your soul. When I caress you, kiss you, or touch you, I feel only happiness that I never want to end. My soul is complete with you and I want to be with you forever.”

Then after pouring out my heart and soul, she says, “I’m leaving you because I’m a lesbian and I have you to thank for helping me realize that.”

When I bite into a York Mint, I get the sensation that I wake up half naked in a bathtub of ice in an abandoned, cockroach-infested apartment and on a table next to the tub is an old Nokia cell phone with a half-charged battery and a note that has the carefully-written address of my location and the words, “We’ve taken one of your kidneys, call 911 immediately.”

All of this happened after meeting some dude with an Eastern European accent about a futon couch he was selling for $20 on Craigslist because he was moving to another city.

When I bite into a York Mint, I get the sensation that I kind of got gypped. I expected them to be typical breath-freshening mints, like Altoids or Certs, since they were placed on the same shelf as all the other mints and gums. However, they are mint candy dipped in dark chocolate with a mint shell. Basically, they’re York Peppermint Patties in the form of Sixlets-sized balls, which I wish my doctor would grope instead of mine. There were about 30-35 pieces in the shiny, attractive tin and three York Mints have ten calories, zero fat, and three grams of sugar.

So if you like York Peppermint Patties, you’ll probably like York Mints. But if you’re looking for a mint to freshen your breath when you’re sitting with your attractive significant other in the middle of a romantic, candlelit Italian restaurant, holding their hands in yours and expressing your undying love, I’d suggest getting some Altoids and then bracing yourself for the possibility that you’ve helped them come out of the closet.

Item: York Mints
Price: $1.99
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: If you like York Peppermint Patties, you’ll like these. $20 for a futon couch. Craigslist. Zero fat. Pretty, shiny tin. Dark chocolate, albeit very little.
Cons: They’re minty candy, not breath-freshening mints. Getting a kidney removed without your approval. Un-gloved doctor’s hands. Anal thermometers.