I’ll admit that my eating habits are less than stellar. Deplorable, if you will. But I am a man who enjoys blaming all of his shortcomings on everyone but myself, so I will proceed to do so. I have had a distorted view of food since I was a small child. My parents taught me that all-you-can-eat buffets were a competition where the only way to win was to eat until you struggled to breathe. That’s how you get the edge over society and get your slice of American pie…or something along those lines, I can’t really remember the logistics of the situation.
This desensitization to crappy fried foods and imitation cheeses led to my current state of junk food codependence. I say “co-” because I feel like I have a lasting relationship with it, though I’m not sure if it’s based on eHarmony’s 29 dimensions of compatibility. High school further dragged me along this path, as the lunches provided were insufficient for rabid dogs, let alone burgeoning minds. I was left with two choices: the salad bar or nachos.
The salad bar might as well have been renamed “Hidden Valley” because everything was just a vessel for ranch dressing. Small amounts of wilted lettuce were laid out like bed sheets for macaroni and potato salads. Jugs of ranch were handed out so kids could mask any nutrients left inside. Of course, bread sticks were handed out for dipping. Ranch was fucking everywhere. Kids became addicted to it. I am convinced that I would’ve been laid if I had the foresight to pour ranch on myself.
I traveled the much healthier road and ended up falling in love with nacho cheese instead. Cheese has calcium in it, right? After rationalizing my addiction, I embraced the smooth, velvety texture of the cheese. It was laced with a hint of spiciness and the glow of neon orange. All of it came together to make a splendid sauce for the stale nachos that went down my gullet at $1.50 a tray. Throw in some pickled jalapeno slices and you’re set for any fiesta, or in my case, a night alone with the Gilmore Girls.
I had missed it in the couple of years since then, but found something appealing as I strolled through the aisles of the cursed entity known as Wal-Mart. It was Rico’s Salsa De Queso Nacho Cheese Sauce. The redundant and convoluted name didn’t strike my fancy, but the promise of molten hot nacho cheese piqued my interest.
I wasn’t expecting much, but I was pleasantly surprised that it indeed came out hot and smooth from the microwave. It was good, too! It still maintained a decent amount of texture and adhered perfectly to the chips. The nacho cheese is actually made with real jalapenos, which is noticeable as you feel a tingle of heat on your tongue upon consumption. It helped me put away a giant bag of organic tortilla chips over a one week period.
The best thing about this product is that I no longer need to rationalize the nutrition value of nacho cheese. Rico’s has done already done that for me, as their stamp boasts “0% cholesterol” and “Good source of calcium.” I’ve already begun adding it to my orange juice and breakfast cereal.
But not everything is muy bueno with Rico’s Salsa De Queso Nacho Cheese Sauce. I really wish I could say something positive about Rico’s lazily-made mascot. Seriously, a fucking drop of nacho cheese? That’s the best they could come up with? At least put a sombrero on him or some maracas.
Everyone knows racial stereotypes make the best mascots.
Item: Rico’s Salsa De Queso Nacho Cheese Sauce
Price: $1.99
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Comes out hot and creamy in microwave. Tasty and cheap as all good junk food should be. Nacho cheese may or may not get me sexually aroused.
Cons: Not all that spicy. Lacks real cheese. Lazily designed mascot without fun Mexican stereotypes. Stretching the truth about nutritional information. All-you-can-eat buffets and their damage to the psyche.
Is that what that is? I thought it was a teardrop, since the jalapenos might make your eyes water. Either way, it’s still LAME!!
If they made this in habanero flavor, maybe the mascot could be an animated fireball.
I have to say that I enjoy reading this blog much more, from these past couple of entries. Thank you for that; for being so hilarious, so satirical, and witty. Honestly. I look forward to every entry. You’re writing cheers my crappy days.
Tell us more about the free games inside!
We had the same ranch issue at my HS… very weird
I wouldn’t have even noticed the cheese drip mascot if you hadn’t mentioned it, but now that I’m looking at it, I can’t stop laughing!
We didn’t have fancy salad bars at my high school…so we always left the school for lunch and would go to Taco Time, which is where I developed my nacho cheese sauce addiction. I’m gonna have to try this one. There’s no healthy content involved. Bonus!
Um, they did get creative with the mascot. Can’t you see the tongue sticking out there? That’s creativeness right there. How many cheese drops do you know with tongues? Duh. =)
What the hell…that’s a drop of cheese?!? I thought it was a flame (homosexual undertones on the packaging, perhaps?) or that little alien creature from Chicken Little.
MARVO!
I’m very angry, as this is an incomplete review.
I’m pretty sure it says “Look inside for games & coupon”
neither any game or any type of coupon was mentioned in the review, which could be a key selling point! Can you please tell us if the games were fun or not? Or if the coupon is valuable or not? Thanks
On second thought every coupon is valuable because I’m the brokest person I know.
Ace, you kick so much ass. Thanks.
I may have to overcome my deathly fear of Wal-Mart and their shitty, packed parking lots to try this. College student + no money + cheap junk food = good times.
You know what else makes good mascots, furry animals and random blobs.
Calvin – Sorry dude, not my review.
YEAH, what Calvin said. Your nacho sauce came with freaking *games* — any food that does that needs to be fully explored. This is unmapped territory here man. Go all Horatio Alger on it….
Rico, could that be Rico Suave o_O?
Hrmm, I was going to agree with you that the mascot seems uninspired at best. Then I noticed that it is staring hungrily at the cheese overflowing from the Rico’s logo. That makes him a cannibal, and therefore a great mascot. Kind of like how Charlie the Tuna loves tuna fish sandwiches.
Actually, Charlie the Tuna is a crazier mascot than that. Just reading about him on wikipedia, apparently the whole idea behind him is that he WANTS to be caught and turned into canned tuna fish by Starkist, because he thinks he has “good taste”. Got to love mascots with crazy issues.
Excellent review, Ace. As soon as you mentioned the mascot I went back and checked and am still laughing about it now!
oh sweet cheezits, i am now flooded with memories of the food of public school yore. we did not have the fountains, nay apparent avalanches of ranch that you seemed to have, but we did have rather a glut of nacho cheese. it was on burgers, dogs, fries, chips, the vegetables, and probably the ice cream if i’d looked closely.
and yet strangely i have the desire to revisit it in cup-from-walmart form. i probably need help.
nat – If you have viscous orange teardrops, I urge you to consult a doctor or circus right away.
Chuck – If it was Habanero flavor, I’d be too happy to care what the mascot was.
Jessie – This is probably more for Marvo but I’ll take 1/5th or so of the credit. Thanks! We do what we can around here.
Lord Jezo – I’ve learned that free games from boxes usually consist of mazes or crosswords. I think this one did as well, but the box is long gone now.
Melanie Marie – The Ranch industry has exploded over the past ten years, probably due to the market penetration starting in high school. So there’s your stock tip for the day, Melanie, though I’m not sure that’s what you come to TIB for.
Webmiztris – It’s kind of like laughing at the poor kid who has to use his older brother’s PE shorts…hilarious but sad.
Mia – I wish I could’ve gone off campus for lunch in high school…there was a little diner called Yellow Basket that I absolutely tore up whenever I could. Now in college I get McDonalds, Popeyes, Yoshinoya, and Carl’s Jr in the local vicinity. My doctor hates me.
Clevegal42 – Surprisingly many, but then again, I hang around a strange group of people.
Brie – Flaming Cheese: So Good You’ll Suck One for It. Hmm…slogan needs a little work, but I think the concept is there.
calvin – More reason why I have much to learn before I graduate to becoming a Marvo. I think that’s how it works, at least.
Sam – Parking at Wal-Mart is indeed awful. I have trouble containing the urge to run people over, but then I remember that the inconvenience of getting arrested probably outweighs circling the lot.
Marvo – Even better yet: Furries. You’d get the market cornered on internet pervs.
ultradave – I had to wikipedia Horatio Alger, so it appears you have me beat this time.
Vel – Maybe if Rico Suave is a vampire and was alive in 1918 to start the company. But that’s just silly…but if he is, may God have mercy on us all.
Zadillo – Like my taste in girls, there’s nothing that I love more than a mascot with low self-esteem. Especially one that wants to be minced and eaten(uhh…the mascot, not the girl. Just clearing that up).
Terry – Never pass on the opportunity to ridicule packaging. It’s what makes shopping fun.
Betsy – We only had nachos and Nacho-cheese filled flamin-hot Cheetos bags. Seeing someone eat one of those as they became a pink and soggy mess was one of the grossest images I had witnessed up to that point.
I have a ridiculous irrational phobia of buffets.
And I like me some eatin.
Spending a day with my grandparents used to mean going to the local Hometown/Golden Coral/Shoney’s/Ponderosa in the late morning for breakfast and then sitting in a booth for 45 minutes until the lunch/dinner food was brought out. Sometimes Gramps would even nap.
Buffet hustlers, my grandparents were.
great still lol, what about kelloggs or kebler packing horney elves and sugar tigers all for kids. also they treat their employees like cheese drops with tongues sticking out. keep up the great reviews cant trust walmart their all robots trying 2 get me must run.
aww, yo, my bad. damn that little posted by link is small as hell!
sorry about that ace.
Natalia – My friend and I once went in for a late lunch but decided to get the dinner stuff when it came out. Fair game, right? Wrong! Damn buffet charged us for dinner because we got a few pieces of crab. By far the worst experience of my adult life.
db cooper – I’d trust my kids with a sugar tiger, at least I wouldn’t have to buy them anything.
calvin – It is kind of small, perhaps Marvo will bigify it in time.
Ace, I agree with you 99.99% about the lazily designed mascot. That drip should be wearing a sombrero as it is jumping over the border to mow a lawn.
and it’s ok for me to joke because I’m of Mexican descent.
also i notice the drip is eying the the rico’s bowl of cheese sauce, as if it looks appetizing to it. I’d say that makes him some sort of cheese cannibal. Cheese shouldn’t eat other cheese ace. ya’ll mean!!!
Where in Wal-mart did you find this?? I looked over…
Frank – Does my Asianness make it not okay to joke? Or does my minority status give me equal joking power?
Shep – Oddly enough, I think I found it in the aisle with Powerade and Vitamin Water. You never know with Wal-Mart, though, they just tend to throw stuff together.