If Amy Winehouse and her husband Blake Fielder-Civil were to reproduce — and I pray to God, Allah, Buddha, and football they don’t — their offspring would look like the new Kellogg’s Special K Red Berries Waffles, which are a little pale, covered with weird red splotches and deformed with indentations.
As with all Special K products, these waffles are targeted towards women who want to lose weight by torturing their taste buds with bland products and in serving sizes that would make bulimics wonder if it’s necessary to purge.
Yes, I did lose weight when I did the Special K Diet and I looked better wearing my hip-hugger jeans and showing a little male whale tail, but eating breakfast cereal every day got old quicker than me using the phrase “cool beans” to replace every positive adjective I used in daily conversation.
The Special K Red Berries Waffles are slightly healthier than regular Kellogg’s Eggo Waffles. These almost gothy-white waffles have over 50 percent less fat and 20 percent less calories, but also have 66 percent more sugar than their regular Eggo counterparts.
However, many of these differences are very small when you look at the actual numbers and not at percentages. For example, the Special K waffles have only 20 less calories, which is easy to burn with either a few push-ups or with a vial of cocaine taped to my back, running shoes, and a sober Lindsay Lohan chasing after me.
These waffles are also full of vitamins and minerals and claims it’s a good source of calcium. However, it provides only 6 percent of your daily recommend allowance of calcium per waffle, which doesn’t sound like a good source to me, unless you love waffles as much as I love the TV show Ninja Warrior and Lynne Spears’ daughters love making babies.
The red berries, which according to the ingredients list are strawberries, were noticeable when I ate one naked — the waffle, not me — but was pretty much non-existent after I poured some Canadian Maple Syrup on top — the waffle, not me. But then again, I do pour enough syrup to make those who use excessive amounts of alcohol to drown their sorrows say, “Damn, that’s a little too much there, buddy!”
All that maple syrup probably negated the slight health advantages the Special K Red Berries Waffles have over regular Eggo waffles, but it made it taste much better. Without the syrup, I felt it was not bad for diet frozen waffles, but who eats waffles without some kind of topping? That’s like Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood, Extra, and TMZ not showing any shots with celebrity cleavage.
(Nutrition Facts – 1 waffle – 80 calories, 2.5 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 440 milligrams of sodium, 70 milligrams of potassium, 31 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of dietary fiber, 5 grams of sugar, 25 grams of other carbohydrates, 4 grams of protein, and vitamins and minerals.)
Item: Kellogg’s Special K Red Berries Waffles
Price: $2.75 (on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Not as bland as regular Special K cereal. Tastes good with syrup. Ninja Warrior.
Cons: Not much healthier than regular Eggo waffles. Less than one gram of dietary fiber. More sugar than regular Eggo waffles. Amy Winehouse reproducing. Excessive use of “cool beans.” Male whale tail.
So, with regards to your syrup craving, was this waffle singing “Pour Some Sugar On Me”? Or is that too 80-ish for this brand of waffle?
Special K with Red Berries cereal is one of the tastiest things on the market, it might be marketed towards women and all that but I will gladly get in touch with my feminine side and buy myself a box. But I have those with skim milk, I’d think having these with my usual syrup and butter would defeat the entire purpose of having them in the first place.
Waffles! YAY! I’ll let you leggo my eggo any day–these are NOT Eggos…Oh. Well, who wants to eat non-Eggo waffles?
Okay, so are you heading towards a podcast soon? Hmmmmm? Might make things easier for folks on the go go go like me me me.
I completely agree with Jezo, Red Berries cereal is delicious. Perhaps you should try ripping these into little pieces and pouring milk over them.
Waffles are good. I want these. I would only eat eggo waffles bc they are better and I can say leggo of my eggo,lol.
What a great post.
these look scary
“…when I ate one naked — the waffle, not me…”
I admit it. I snorted.
With the pretty box and heart-like strawberries in the picture these might make a nice Valentine’s Day gift. Just saying…
Somehow I think that male whale tail might actually do you justice… eating these waffles,not so much, just stick with the Eggo’s.
I bet these are yummy with ice cream…
Oh, right. Diet, and all.
Nah, bust out the ice cream!
If you wanna rock the whale tail, you’d better wax your ass.
Thanks for the warning about the 66% more sugar. Eek. Have you tried the Kashi Blueberry waffles? And when do we get to see the whale tail?
Chuck – If it was singing that Def Leppard classic, I would’ve just poured pure powdered sugar on it.
LordJezo – Also, eating a whole box in one breakfast would also defeat the purpose of it.
Domokun – Yup, they are podcasts. It’s even on iTunes. Go search for it.
Karen – I didn’t really care for the Red Berries cereal because the strawberries is soggy extremely quick.
Shannon – Leggo my Eggo are my safety words.
Agent Scully – Thanks!
sir jorge – They’re scarier when I eat them naked.
Gabs – I’ll admit it. I’m glad you snorted.
Susu – If I were to get these for Valentine’s Day, it probably means I’m going to be dumped.
Bikerbabeee – I only own one thong and I only wear it when I need to do laundry, so I won’t be rockin’ the whale tail very often.
demondoll – Stick ice cream in between two of them and it could make a great ice cream sandwich.
Alisha – If plumbers don’t have to, I don’t either.
Aimee – I can’t afford Kashi stuff and I’m afraid it might detox me.
The best thing about your review was NINJA WARRIOR! Such an awesome show. I’m fucking pissed that my cable company decided to get rid of G4. Now how do I watch AOTS and Ninja Warrior??!
Nevis – I don’t have G4 anymore either since I don’t have digital cable, but I did watch a marathon of it when I visited my friend in Seattle. After that I fell in love. Now I just settle for the Ninja Warrior podcast, which kind of sucks. Mmm…Olivia Mun.