Being a die-hard Celtics fan, I recently had the great pleasure of watching Kobe Bryant lose in historic fashion in the NBA Finals. I never liked Kobe, probably stemming from the time he took pop singer Brandy to his high school prom. It all seemed very insincere. At that moment, I could have sworn that it was a Michael Jackson−Lisa Marie Presley situation where he was covering up his secret disturbing sexuality by dating a woman that he could never really be attracted to. I mean, come on…Moesha? I’m not gay, but I’m pretty certain that I’d rather have sex with her brother Ray J.
Perhaps the best Kobe Bryant-related news I’ve heard all week, however, stems from a club frequented by former teammate and fellow adulterer Shaquille O’Neal. Shaq hates Kobe, not just because he is a sociopathic ball-hog, but because he told the police that Shaq paid off women to keep them quiet about their unsavory trysts. This all led up to TMZ catching juvenile-ly hilarious footage of Shaq in a club commanding Kobe to “tell me how my ass tastes” through the medium of freestyle rap.
I don’t know what Kobe’s response is, though I’m certain that he would somehow manage to fit in “We just have to toughen up on defense,” but I’d imagine that the taste of Shaq’s ass is not dissimilar to Jimmy Dean’s Pancakes & Sausage Minis. Maybe that’s being a little harsh, but I can’t imagine why anyone would ever want to eat these things when there’s a much better version on the market that comes on a stick. My philosophy has always been that things taste better on sticks. Preferably deep fried sticks. Don’t ask me why, it’s just how things are.
Since I bought this box on the eve of my championship celebration, I had high hopes for these bite-sized Minis. Unfortunately for me, nothing ruins my mood faster than crappy and overpriced food. These Minis were soggy, disarmingly sweet, and had the texture of ground rubber. Being a fair reviewer, I then tried a batch in the toaster over.
For my patience, I was rewarded with a saccharine, crispy shell of batter surrounding a fine piece of ground rubber. As you could probably imagine, I quickly grew weary of this mysterious rubber sausage and went to the local Pep Boys to inquire about its recycled value. Alas, as I’m sure Shaq would enjoy hearing Kobe say something about his ass, sometimes things are just better in bigger packages.
(Nutritional Facts – 3 pieces – 260 calories, 160 calories from fat, 18 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 30 mg of cholesterol, 510mg sodium, 19 grams of carbs, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 7 grams of sugar, 5 grams of protein, 0% Vitamin A, 0% Vitamin C, 2% Calcium, 4% Iron)
Item: Jimmy Dean Pancakes & Sausage Minis
Price: $3.29
Purchased at: Stater Bros.
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: Small, convenient size for families on the go who don’t care if they enjoy what they’re eating. For the environmentally conscious, sausage may be recyclable. Freestyle rapping about the taste of ass.
Cons: Very small portion for the price that you’re paying. Comes out soggy in the microwave. Extremely sweet for a product that isn’t honey-battered. Sausage tastes like a tire.
I am pretty sure that Shaq owns a larger size of sausage than “mini” when it comes to his gay flings. Just a guess…I haven’t seen any pictures, nor do I want to.
They look like they came out of Shaq’s ass.
What does shaq’s alleged adultery, his ass, and all the other unhilarious commentary have to do with pancakes on a stick?
Worthless blog, worthless review. It’s a manufactured pancake. On a stick. With a sausage inside. What did you think it would taste like?
For a guy who lives near LA, I am surprised that you are a Celtics fan.
@Weirdo Wolfie – If you’re going to be insulting, go full speed ahead. Don’t hold back. What you should’ve done is add a lot of profanity, like dropped some F-bombs and some shits. That would make your comment a lot more insulting. Oh. Oh. Oh. You know what else you should’ve done, you should’ve said something bad about our mamas, like “Your mama is so fat that every time she walks by a grocery store the store manager turns off all the lights making it look like they’re closed so your mama won’t walk in and eat everything.”
These things look like shit.
I can’t believe it reads “Tell me how my ass tastes.” Damnit Marvo, I didn’t need to hear that!
Brie – Look carefully at the reviewer’s name. Then, after you’ve eaten crow, go brush your teeth and increase the font size on your web browser.
Wierdo Wolfie Moms is so ulgly, the bitch look like she has been bobbing for french fries.
Ummm. Ace, why would you eat sausage to celebreate a victory?
Never mind…
Those look horrible, they will probably be on a stick and selling them at the fair in a few months.
I can see that Jimmy Dean’s pancake and sausage minis have brought out the best in all your readers. Also, Shaq’s freestyle is miserable. He hasn’t had a decent performance since Kazaam …. zing!
“That’s like Kareem saying to himself he better than me
Now stop, think about that,
it aint about that,
its about B-I-G AKA Shaq
Now that’s the difference between first and last place,
Kobe, nigga, Tell me how my ass taste!!”
… miserable at best. <3 KAJ
Weirdo apparently didn’t read the “worthless” review since he missed the fact that it is for the “Stick-less” version.
There is a larger version of these on a stick, but I don’t see why you’d want more of these considering how much Ace enjoyed them. (Quality, not Quantity Mr. Dean.) I also some how doubt that a stick jammed up a sausage would keep it from tasting a like a tire. (Might be more fun to eat that way though.)
My final question, am I the only person that I didn’t know about Shaq’s rapping?
When I was a young’un, there was a guy named Zach, who took pride in his basketball skills. He was in gay love with Shaq. He even spelled his name “Zhaq” and wrote lame ass raps on the playground.
It’s funny how processed food can make you reminisce.
Chuck – The guy wears like size 24 shoes, I’m not sure if I want to inquire anything else about his anatomy.
Reprobate – I should check to see if Shaq signed and endorsement deal with them a while back. It would make a lot of sense…
Weirdo Wolfie – It would be easy and fairly satisfying to say “only a worthless person would take the time to deride a worthless blog,” but I would rather state that TIB is a fun pop culture site that happens to review crap, not the Michelin Guide.
Marvo – If you had to endure people flipping cars over and proclaiming Kobe to be Black Jesus after the last championship, you would probably be turned off as well.
Brie – I only repeated what was already stated by a 7 foot black man.
luckinflux – I don’t know, actually. I probably need to go to my shrink and take a rorschach test to make sure everything’s normal.
IE – I’m pretty sure that they’ll be dipped in another coat of batter and served with strawberry jam. They’ll call them twice-fried sausage dippers or something.
ChrisP – As we learned in Airplane!, Kareem doesn’t hustle on D and only goes balls-out during the playoffs. Hmm…maybe him and Shaq are not as different as I thought.
SheRa – It was released yesterday, so I could see how you missed it. The more pertinent issue is whether you missed Shaq’s movie classic Kazaam or Kobe Bryant’s awful song with Tyra Banks.
Rec Icculus – Did he change his name to Aaron Carter and write a song about how he beat the big man?
angry bob didn’t read the review either, but also concluded that it’s worthless. By some odd coincidence, angry bob’s time is also worthless, so it all works out.
They used to serve the version w/the stick in my elementary school cafeteria for breakfast. I miss the early 90s, before kids started to get fat and PTA moms everywhere decided schools should serve healthier food to counteract the Happy Meals they were buying their kids.
Thanks for the nostalgia.
@reprobate
In that case, Kobe should love them!
These look kinda like mini corndogs, which I’d much rather eat instead.
On a side note, props for the Kobe diss. There are just simply better players in the league.
Speaking of sausage minis…
What ever happened to Marvo’s online dating initiative? Tell him we the people demand updates!
I saw the ones with “blueberry pancakes” on the outside and thought “that just might be the most disgusting looking breakfast item I have ever seen.”
Looks like i may have been right.
Wow, I don’t visit for a couple of days and there’s high drama! Ace, great review and for going the extra mile with the toaster oven. I’ve decided to buy one on your recommendation as they sometimes seem to work wonders (not this time).
Marvo, suggesting insults is genius. You’re classy.
I’m trying to work out how much it would cost to buy cocktail sausages, and make some pancakes myself. Not much, and probably would be fairly delicious. Price per serving would be pretty minimal.
http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y98/ThuggPassion/Funny/KobeUgonnaGetRAPED.jpg
lol
Axe to grind?
TASTE LIKE MOTHER FUCKING ASS