There’s the Antichrist and then there’s the Anti-Rice Krispies Treat, which I consider the Quaker Maple Brown Sugar High Fiber Oatmeal to Go Bar to be. Instead of giving me a moment of crunchy, marshmallowy bliss like I would receive with a wonderful Rice Krispies Treat, these fiber bricks bring despair. It’s not its taste that saddens me, although I’ll get to that in a moment, it’s the fact that I now have to change my diet to make up for my years of poor dietary choices by eating the recommended daily amount of fiber. If I could get 25 grams of fiber from energy drinks, potato chips, cocaine, and anything I can heat up in a microwave, I’d be set and regular.
Like Cliff Notes and Kim Kardashian trying to put on a pair of jeans, the Quaker Maple Brown Sugar High Fiber Oatmeal to Go Bar crams a lot into a small package. How high in fiber are these bricks of oatmeal? One bar has 10 grams of dietary fiber and six grams of soluble fiber, which is more than twice the amounts found in a 1/2 cup serving of plain Wilford Brimley-promoted Quaker Oats. Eating just one of these high fiber breakfast bars provides 40 percent of a person’s recommended daily amount of fiber. Consuming two of these high fiber bars at one time provides 80 percent. Devouring three of these bars in one sitting provides a good reason to stay close to a toilet.
The Quaker High Fiber Oatmeal to Go Bar is a dense, moist oatmeal cookie with a grainy and chewy texture that lets you know you’re getting 10 grams of dietary fiber and six grams of soluble fiber whether you like it or not. I enjoyed this big bar of fiber because it’s much sweeter and tastier than regular Quaker Maple & Brown Sugar instant oatmeal and you don’t need a spoon to eat it. Despite how sweet it was, the frosting drizzle on top seemed to be more for aesthetics than anything else. What does make them better, besides eating them nyotaimori-style, is warming them in the microwave for 10 seconds, which the packaging recommended.
However, not everything was so sweet with these Oatmeal to Go Bars. Two things that really freaked me out was the use of high fructose corn syrup, which is fine in moderation (but seems to be in everything), and the extremely long ingredients list, which had more items than a My Super Sweet 16 birthday party wish list. But overall it’s nice to be able to eat something that has almost half of my recommended daily intake of fiber, even if it does bring me to a state of despair.
(Nutrition Facts – 1 bar – 210 calories, 1 gram saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 1 gram polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram monounsaturated fat, 15 milligrams cholesterol, 230 milligrams sodium, 150 milligrams potassium, 43 grams carbohydrates, 10 grams dietary fiber, 6 grams soluble fiber, 13 grams sugar, 4 grams protein, 20% vitamin A, 0% vitamin C, 15% calcium, 25% iron, 20% thiamin, 20% riboflavin, 20% niacin, 20% vitamin B6, 20% folic acid, 10% phosphorus, 10% magnesium, and 5 minutes spent with your favorite toilet)
Item: Quaker Maple Brown Sugar High Fiber Oatmeal to Go
Price: FREE
Size: 6 pack
Purchased at: Given by nice PR people, who continue to amaze me because they keep sending us stuff.
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Sweeter and tastier than regular maple and brown sugar instant oatmeal. High fiber. Provides 40% of daily value of fiber. Convenient. Vitamins and minerals. Rice Krispies Treats. Eating these nyotaimori-style.
Cons: Grainy and chewy texture that lets you know you’re getting 10 grams of dietary fiber and six grams of soluble fiber whether you like it or not. Very long ingredients list. Brings me to a state of despair. Contains high fructose corn syrup. A My Super Sweet 16 wish list. Eating three of these in one sitting.
I like that subliminal, stool-loosening name: “Oatmeal to Go”
I suppose that maple syrup would have been too expensive…but you’d think that in trying to sell a “healthy” product they’d try not to use HFCS. Oh well. Sounds like it would be wise to purchase toilet paper to go along with a box of these.
Is it me, or does he look like the Wendy’s chick’s father/grandfather/kooky pedophile uncle?
And I get my fiber through plain rice. Delicious tasty, non-fibrous white rice. I kid, I get it by eating hair balls.
@Bryan – They also could’ve named it “Oatmeal on the Runs.”
@Chuck – If only we could use HFCS as toilet paper.
@Reprobate – I’m sorry, thought I read “hairy balls.” Yes, I’m reading this naked.
Well, to be fair, many of those ingredients are the fiber and vitamins and minerals is it fortified with.
Putting that aside, it has six different kinds of sweetener. Now that’s just crazy.
@anna – The list is awfully long and runs down almost the entire length of the box. Couldn’t they have found stuff that multitasks. As for the sweeteners, I think I’ll just dust some Splenda and Equal on it, just to add even more.
LOL @ the advertisement for diapers sitting right alongside the review. If I didn’t know better, I’d think you planned it that way Marvo! 🙂
I refuse to eat food in brick form. Well, except for astronaut ice cream…
Thanks, Marvo! My hamburger nightmares have ceased now.
I kept having to go back and look at the image of these bars, because the longer I read your review, the more they looked like lumps of fiber dung in my mind.
Fiber dung with a drizzle of bird crap, Heidi?
Yes, exactly — I see you have had the same mental image as well, Reprobate!
I bought these two weeks ago because they sounded yummy and, come on, who really has time to make a bowl of oatmeal before work. So one morening I popped one in the microwave for the 10 seconds and ran into my car and as I was pulling out of my driveway I took a bite and nearly threw up. If it wasn’t the texture that did me in, it was the overpowering maple smell. Ew. I was late to work because I had to go back in the house and brush my teeth to get the taste out of my mouth and then I drove with my windows open (in the rain) because the smell wouldn’t leave my car.
@ Marvo
They probably could have used just one type of fiber to fortify it with, but when it comes to vitamins and minerals, there really isn’t a multitasker (I counted 10 different ones, and calcium and vitamin A show up twice).
Cynical view: They like to throw as many different vitamins and minerals in as they can, to make people think it’s healthy.
@Timothy – Naw, Google planned it that way. Those guys have a wonderful sense of humor.
@armauld – Oh man, you totally got me wanting astronaut ice cream.
@Heidi – You’re welcome. Although, probably some time next month another burger picture will pop up. I’m just giving you an early warning.
@Stephanie – Wow! I thought the maple smell was strong, but not that strong. I think I have a weak nose, just like I have weak arms and weak will power.
@anna – The only thing I know for sure that is healthy is a shot of wheatgrass, because it is the most healthiest thing I’ve ever tasted.
Instant oatmeal is not the crappiest crap in the world, but it is the crappiest crap in the oatmeal world. Or it was till these bricks came along. BTW, Old-fashioned oatmeal is cheaper, tastier and healthier than instant, microwaves in 3 minutes, and you can put whatever you want on it – including high fructose corn syrup. /old person’s rant
@fanta – Okay, maybe I’ll give old-fashioned oatmeal another try with HFCS. I wonder if HFCS is like MSG and I can buy it by the bottle.
Yes, it’s called corn syrup, or sometimes just syrup, like Karo syrup. Probably find it in the baking section or with the pancake syrups. I use it sometimes for making candy or frosting. I just checked the label and it contains corn syrup AND high fructose corn syrup. So I know I’m getting whole corn syrup goodness.
@fanta – That is scary to know. I wonder if I could let it harden and then use it to rip hair off of my body.