REVIEW: Furuta Sequoia Strawberry Chocolate

Reprobate Reviews

There’s a saying: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

I usually thought of it as a bullshit saying because where’s the fun in that? Evil geniuses like me couldn’t fail to take over the world if we lived by those stupid sayings. Batman wouldn’t have had the rubber nipples suit and my neighbor in college wouldn’t have come up with novel ways to flash his hairy balls at me. Okay, I don’t exactly have a infallible worldwide domination plot, but I have my evil laugh down, so I’m halfway there! It’s essentially a bastardized version of Dr. Evil’s laugh, but it’s MY bastardized version.

I’ve always loved the original Kit Kat bars, and they were my favorite candy as a kid, so when I saw this at the checkout counter, I admit I was a bit eager to see a Japanese company’s take on this classic. I soon learned that I had made a horrible mistake.

It looks like a stick of strawberry gum, complete with white specks and streaks. Definitely not appealing despite its strawberry yogurt smell, which was actually kind of nice. My first thought after biting into this was, “Sweet Evil Jesus!” Seriously, where’s the strawberry? And my god, what is up with this artificial chemical taste that just bursts out with the first bite? I could barely taste the strawberry over the very artificial vanilla cream, “strawberry” coating and the stale wafer inside. It actually almost tastes like how paint smells.

I guess the target audience is for people with children…people who want to mindfuck with their children. This would actually make a decent punishment, sort of like when I was expecting a Super Nintendo on a Christmas morning and I got my hopes up so high that I cried when I tore the wrapping to find out it was just a lousy 3D Empire State Building puzzle. But the worst part? It was missing 3 pieces.

I’d like to say that one of the good things about it is that it comes in a pack of five, but unfortunately, it means there are five pieces. The only redeeming thing about this candy is the hexagonal box it comes in. If I hold it just right, I can cover up the name of the candy and tell others that it’s a smaller version of a Toblerone. Well, that, and it makes a dandy place to hide my blueprints for an underground cave lair complete with a cage for my evil guinea pig, Fuck Nut.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 and a quarter sticks – 158 calories, 8.7 grams of fat, 1 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 50 milligrams of sodium, 19 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 9 grams of sugar, 1.6 grams of protein, and the tears of children.)

Item: Furuta Sequoia Strawberry Chocolate

Price: $2.69

Size: 30 grams

Purchased at: China Mart

Rating: 1 out of 10 

Pros: Hairy balls. Strawberry yogurt smell. Mindfucking children. Container makes a dandy hiding place. Evil guinea pig named Fuck Nut.

Cons: Bubblegum appearance. Artificial and chemical tastes. Paint smell taste. Overpowering vanilla crème. Stale Wafer. Lousy 3D puzzle. 5 pieces.

13 thoughts to “REVIEW: Furuta Sequoia Strawberry Chocolate”

  1. When I first came to Japan (20 years ago, eeeek!), these were 10 yen each and in the cheap bins only. They also came only in chocolate. You’d think that it’d be hard to get chocolate + wafer wrong, but they were like wafers in a brown waxy substance. They suffered from the same lack of good flavor that you experienced with the strawberry ones.

    I can’t understand how this bar keeps getting made, but it’s still around and easy to buy anywhere. There’s been a food fad in Japan for awhile now about crunchy/crispy foods (the “saku, saku” written on your package is part of that) and I’m guessing that is what caused them to evil spawn these multi-packs. At my local 99 yen shop, they were selling 5 packs of white chocolate Sequoia and I moved quickly on by. They’re not getting me twice.

  3. “Pros: Hairy balls.”

    Really? I like a nice trim.

    That is a pretty sweet container. Also, I do kind of want to lick that SUV.

  4. lol. nevermind..you rated it before my feedback wiuld kick in..
    I think fruity things and chocolate should not be mixed.
    Btw, Sequoia is a sweet tree..apparently Toyotas are as tough as redwood and they can live for up to 2,200 years! Hah.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sequoia (anyone want to teach me how to link on blog…please do!)

  5. Before I saw your rating I was ready for product bashing, but it seems to be covered.
    Overall, fruit and chocolate should not be mixed.
    Sequoia is also a sweet tree! For marketing reasons I would see why Toyota would want to name their SUV after a Redwood. I mean, it lives for up to 2,200 years..hah. Go Toyota.

  7. …dammit. and here i thought my guinea pig, sir barquentine rockford benedict XIV (or rocko), had the best name of all the pigglywogs in all the land. clearly i was wrong.

    also, that pink coating is disturbing. it’s the color of hospital walls. and that doesn’t strike me as something proper for candy. ever.

  8. These are chinese. The last chinese I ate was a quart of
    weefuckemyoung with shrimp toast.
    later that night i served up to my wife – cumofsomyoungguy

  11. Sometimes it is ok to bypass the dollar store candy.. usually you are better person for it. lol
    The only candy I get from the dollar store is the many different verisions of reece’s peanut butter cups that have failed…

    And that SUV looks very lickable.. 🙂

  12. It could be a Chinese import or not, but the word sequoia is commonly used as a name of a tree in Italian, which I’m guessing isn’t the same word in English. I’m sure it is just as bad as the actual Green Tea KitKats or the weird good luck exam versions. Ugh, I honestly don’t miss the candy over there.

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