REVIEW: Nonstop Mint Stride Gum

Minty gum flavors are like shades of gray — there are slight variations, either minty coolness with the gum or values in the hexadecimal format (or sadness in an emo’s soul) with the gray, but to most people it’s basically the same shit. The Nonstop Mint Stride Gum is just another shade of gray, albeit on the lighter side, that plays a lot of Dashboard Confessional and The Get Up Kids on its iPod.

I believe the Nonstop Mint Stride almost has the perfect minty gum name, although the folks at Stride Gum disagree since they have a contest going on to determine a new name for it that involves people submitting their ideas for a chance to win $10,000. I think the name is fine because it somewhat accurately describes the gum itself. It’s minty and, while it may not be “nonstop,” it lasts surprisingly long, like Steve Wozniak’s stay on Dancing With The Stars.

Naming a minty gum is simple if you have nerve endings and aren’t agoraphobic. Just go outside when it’s dark or cold, strip down to your underwear (or naked if it’s legal in your neck of the woods or you live in the middle of the woods), wait a few minutes for your body temperature to drop, write down what you’re feeling (if your shaking hands allow you to), and then add the word “mint” at the end of everything you’re feeling.

I’ve come up with a number of minty gum names using this technique, like Wind Blast Mint, Mid-40’s Mint, Shiver Mint, Misty Wind Mint, Hard Nipple Mint, It’s So Cold I Can’t Write Straight Mint, My Nipples Are So Hard That They Could Poke An Eye Out Mint, Holy Shit It’s Fucking Freezing Mint, and Shrunken Genitalia Mint.

The Nonstop Mint doesn’t have a strong minty flavor like a lot of chewing gums with names that combine a weather report with the word “mint,” but it does have a sweet side. I guess if there was a minty Juicy Fruit it would taste somewhat like this. I enjoyed its flavor and was able to chew on it for more than 45 minutes before I had the urge to spit it out, but if you need something stronger to get rid of the garlic, onions or mistress/boytoy you just ate, I’d suggest something other than the Nonstop Mint Stride.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 piece – Less than 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 1 gram of carbs, 0 grams of sugar, 1 grams of sugar alcohol and 0 grams of protein.)

(Note: Read another review here.)

Item: Nonstop Mint Stride Gum
Price: $1.39
Size: 14 pieces
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Minty sweet flavor. Has a name that almost accurately describes it. Long lasting flavor. Able to keep it in my mouth for more than 45 minutes. 14 frickin’ pieces. No fat. Stripping down to your underwear in the name of marketing. Genitalia.
Cons: Not a strong minty flavor. Doesn’t seem strong enough to get rid of garlic, onions or genitalia in your mouth. Shrinking genitalia in cold weather. Being agoraphobic. My excessive use of the word “genitalia” in this review.