REVIEW: Planters Triple Nut Big Nut Bar

All right. Let’s get it out of the bloody way.

Nuts. Balls. Nads. Gonads. Cojones. Testes. Testicles. Bollocks. Knap sack. Hacky Sack. Nards. Scrotum. Plums. Eggs. Family Jewels. Nutsack. Benjamins. Crown Jewels. Pouch. Junk. The Twins. Nuggets. Dragonballs. Man-Berries. Stones. Boys. Bag. Rocks. Nackers. Hairy Acorns. Biscuits.

Left and Right Man Brains. Acorns. Jay Leno’s Chin. Apples. Punching Bags. Apricots. Bags. Jizz Generators. Bangers. Beans. Bean Bags. Bozack. Chicken Nuggets. Chin Ornaments. The Rocky Mountains. Chin Rests. Flesh Balloons. Giggle Berries.

Uranus’ Moons. Goolies. My Guys. Ala-Alas (Hawaii Pidgin). Hairy Danglers. Huevos. Jawbreakers. Sperm Spitters. Klackers. Knackers. Loins. Love Spuds. Man Ovaries. Marbles. Nadgers. Pebbles. Ping and Pong. Potatoes. Hell’s Bells.

Yams. Yarbles. Double Cocoons. Bits and Bytes. Boulders. Kintama (Japanese). Love Sack. Fleshy Christmas Ornaments. Right Nut/Left Nut. Love Bugs. Eier (German). Cherries. Man Purse. Grapes. Peaches. Gamete Givers. Juicy Fruits.

It’s hard to do an Impulsive Buy review about a product called the Planters Triple Nut Big Nut Bar without trying to weave every conceivable term for testicles in between words, sentences and paragraphs, like I’m trying to construct a quilt of synonyms. But just like building a quilt, intertwining testicle terms into a testimonial takes time, patience and the mind of a 15-year-old boy, all of which I no longer have. Instead, I combined the nut names into chewable bars, much like Planters did with the honey roasted peanuts, almonds, cashews and granola in their Triple Nut Big Nut Bar.

The nuts themselves aren’t bigger, just the bar itself, which the packaging claims to be 30% bigger than the leading nut and granola bar. Although it’s a chewy granola bar, I didn’t notice any granola while eating it. All I could taste were nuts in my mouth. But despite having almonds and cashews, all I could taste were the honey roasted peanuts, which bothered me.

Overall, the Triple Nut Big Nut Bar combines sweet and salty nicely and tastes good, if you really like peanuts.

Speaking of salty, here are more testicle terms for you to enjoy.

Fraggle Rocks. The Sag Bag. Grape Nuts. Baggy Sac. Fuzznugs. The Testis Twins. The OO in Tool. The House and Senate. Spunk Pumps. Taters. Teabags. Low Hanging Hairy Fruit. Underwear Monkeys. Coin Purse. The Eyes of the Taint.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bar – 220 calories, 12 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 3.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 6 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 230 milligrams of sodium, 23 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, 7 grams of protein, 2% calcium, 110% vitamin E and 10% phosphorus.)

(Thanks to Twitter pals twobeerqueers, popstat, hexopod, OffHerCork, cheaplander, jen14221 and kembree for adding to the list of testicle names.)

Item: Planters Triple Nut Big Nut Bar
Price: FREE ($2.99 retail price for a 5-pack)
Size: 1.62 ounces
Purchased at: Given by Planters
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Combines sweet and salty nicely. Chewy. High in polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fats. If you love peanuts, you’ll like this. Awesome source of vitamin E, whatever it does. Coming up with terms for testicles.
Cons: Can’t really taste the almonds and cashews. Didn’t notice the granola. Taking the time to construct a quilt of synonyms. The vast number of slang for testicles.