While frolicking through the cereal aisle, I like to think that each brand has its own personality. Corn Flakes is that friend you can always trust, but isn’t very exciting until she’s dressed up in something sassy. Raisin Bran is an elderly man at a nursing home who is always up for telling a story about when a glass bottle of Coca-Cola was a nickel and pinches his nurse’s ass after she takes his blood pressure. Fruit Loops…well…we won’t go there. Then there’s new Kellogg’s Jumbo Multi-Grain Krispies who has taken a page out of Barry Bonds’ handbook and every male enhancement advertisement that airs after 11 p.m.
When I first saw Jumbo Multi-Grain Krispies I was quite intimidated by its alleged performance enhanced physique; boasting that they are three times bigger than those little weakling Rice Krispies and can beat the shit out of any cereal that crosses them. Jumbo Multi-Grain Krispies will snap, crackle and pop your fucking head off.
However, Jumbo Multi-Grain Krispies denies any accusations of juicing, claiming that they are healthy since they are “multi-grain.” I decided to give them a chance. Maybe their powerful size can accompany my breakfast lineup, after all Frosted Flakes has been lagging in RBI’s lately. However, these jacked up bad boys are all talk and don’t deliver when they hit my bowl.
Jumbo Multi-Grain Krispies resemble maggots, which is quite disturbing, but I can pretend I’m on some overdone reality show where I stuff my trap with creepy crawlers (not the kickass toy from the 90’s) and compete against E-List celebrities like William Hung or Jesse Camp. The small, yet adequate, Rice Krispies are known for their rhythmic crackling and/or popping and/or snapping, but the bloated version seems to be as rhythmically challenged as an obese drunk uncle at a wedding reception who barks the lyrics to “Play That Funky Music” and puts emphasis on the line “white boy.”
Jumbo Multi-Grain Krispies have a touch (more like trickle) of honey, which adds some sweetness, but it doesn’t do much for flavoring the puffed rice. Their only plus side is that they stay hard in milk, which proves they have stamina, but that doesn’t mean a thing when they bore you to the point of falling asleep with a spoonful in your mouth.
Jumbo Multi-Grain Krispies are higher in fiber than their older, yet smaller brother, but if you’re looking for a cereal high in fiber there are plenty of more flavorful options, including that perverted old man Raisin Bran.
(Nutrition Facts – 1 Cup – 90 calories, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 170 milligrams of sodium, 30 milligrams of potassium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 8 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)
Item: Kellogg’s Jumbo Multi-Grain Krispies
Price: $2.19
Size: 11.2 ounces
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Multi-grain stays hard in milk. Old people getting away with not so appropriate behavior. Making fun of male enhancement commercials.
Cons: Honey adds some sweetness, but doesn’t do much for its flavor. Steroids in baseball. Resembles maggots. Falling asleep with milk dripping out of your mouth. Getting your ass kicked by an emotionally unstable breakfast cereal. Embarrassing relatives.
I wish this cereal took a page out of the Girls Gone Wild commercials I see after 11 p.m. 🙁
When I was a kid, I used to assign personalities to numbers. The number 4 was my damsel in distress. The number 6 was an evil temptress who tried to steal prince 5 away from 4. I’m not sure if that was stranger than assigned cereals personalities, but I’m guessing we may both be equally disturbed.
This cereal doesn’t deserve to have the Krispies name. I was quite disappointed with it. I’ll stick to the original, thank you very much.
How can RICE be muiltigrain ? Im not so sure this is not some evil plot from the people at battle creek.
I believe one of my nuts have muiltigrained bigger to a super nut and it has no honey on it to make it sweeter.
or its cancer we will see
THAT IS ALL
@Neil – Great question!
@Marvo – Hilarious. I love the cereal to people analogies. I want more….how do you feel about Oatmeal, Frosted Flakes, Cookie Crisp, Lucky Charms, Golden Grahams and Golden Crisps?
I love love love love love cereal. I seriously could eat it ALL day every day! For the added fiber my favorite is FiberOne (the original). My favorite nostalgic cereal is Golden Grahams or Frosted Flakes. My favorite over all is probably Honey Bunches of Oats with Almonds…I use Almond Milk with mine….I’m not a huge fan of Whole Milk.
What’s everyone’s favorite cereal and why? What’d you grow up on? What do you allow your kids to eat?
@Bear Silber: I wish I could take credit for this review, but I didn’t write it, Kayla did.
Really we should ask Rice Crispy company what is the point?? Maybe it is a way to show America we are getting fatter so we have to have a more “bloated” cereal. lol
Sorry Kayla….all that accolade was meant for you…Marvo…none for you.
So, this cereal has taken Enzyte AND Viagra? I think I better stay away from it, just to be on the safe side.
I can’t say I was ever self-conscious about the size of my Rice Krispies, but now I have a total Napolean complex. Thanks, Kayla.
Multi Grain krispies…this is a sad day for cereal lovers everywhere I mean really? I just don’t see any reason to ever want to even try this, and I consider myself open minded lol, you’re a better man than me for trying it
@Woodenhand Well, I did try it, but I didn’t grow a penis after I did. 😉
angry bob likes to assign personalities to people that don’t have any. Then angry bob takes the lack of personality from those people and assigns it to people with objectionable personalities. Unfortunately, the objectionable people vastly outnumber the bland ones, so angry bob has to bury some of them in the abandoned mine.
Best not to tempt fond childhood memories of regular rice krispies….no thanks
I bought a box last week, and am very disapointed. I felt the texture and taste were very simular to those cornstarch packaging peanuts. They did not live up to the name “Krispies” becoming very soggy very quickly. They are very bland and you may be better off eating the box they come in. save your money!