Oh. Dear. Lord. Stop reproducing, Kellogg’s Pop-Tarts!
You’re making the Octomom and all the reality show fertility families on TLC look normal. What are you up to now, forty or so offspring? I bet they just slide right out of you now, yelling “Weeeeee!!!” as they come through your birth canal. Aren’t you almost 50 years old? Aren’t you too old to be reproducing? It’s dangerous at your age. Or maybe you’re trying to get your own reality show on TLC called “Poppin’ Out Tarts Until Menopause Starts”?
By now you’re also probably running out of names because your latest kid’s name, Blueberry Muffin, sounds like an exiled Strawberry Shortcake character or a slightly chubby stripper who is into autoerotic asphyxiation. I hope you don’t name your next child, Poppy Seed Muffin Pop-Tarts, because, really, if you think about it, that should be your name.
Well, at least your Blueberry Muffin Pop-Tarts sound like something that can be eaten for breakfast, which Pop-Tarts was originally made for. It’s unlike many of the offspring you’ve delivered over the past few years, which were more like desserts than breakfast pastries. Also, now that I think about it, most of them had stripper names: Hot Chocolate, Cookies and Cream and Chocolate Banana Split.
Your Blueberry Muffin Pop-Tarts look very similar to other frosted Pop-Tarts, so I guess you’re not jumping over the fence. It has a light yellow crust with blueberry muffin flavor and blueberry bits filling and white frosting with brown and blue sprinkles on top. It doesn’t taste like a blueberry muffin, instead it tastes like a less sweet Frosted Blueberry Pop-Tart. The blueberry flavor wasn’t overwhelming, which was due to the filling not containing much blueberry flavor. But if blueberry muffins tasted like this Pop-Tart, I would be breaking out my muffin pans and inner Betty Crocker to make them every day, because I really liked the flavor of these Blueberry Muffin Pop-Tarts.
Hmm…Now I’m torn, Kellogg’s Pop-Tarts. I want you to stop reproducing, because it just isn’t safe (or pretty) at your age. But I want you to continue reproducing so that I can see if you come up with something as good as your Blueberry Muffin Pop-Tarts.
(sigh)
Continue reproducing. Weeeeee!!!
(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry – 200 calories, 5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 16 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)
Item: Kellogg’s Blueberry Muffin Pop-Tarts
Price: $2.49
Size: 8 pastries
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Good. Not overly sweet like a regular Frosted Blueberry Pop-Tart. Blueberry flavor wasn’t overwhelming. It’s a Pop-Tart that sounds like it can be eaten for breakfast. Vitamins and minerals. My inner Betty Crocker. Weeeee!!!
Cons: Doesn’t taste like a blueberry muffin. Has a stripper’s name. Having more than 40 children. A reality show on TLC called “Poppin’ Out Tarts Until Menopause Starts.”