REVIEW: Beemans Gum

Like the late great Anna Nicole Smith, I’m fond of old things, but unlike Miss Smith, the old things I enjoy does not include fossils of billionaire oil tycoons or expired bottles of TrimSpa found underneath a purple velvet sofa cushion that Bobby Trendy picked out while I thought I was Prince (Is it too soon for an Anna Nicole joke?).

Don’t get me wrong, modern technology is wonderful; where would this fine blog be without it? Maybe morse code or carrier pigeon reviews? But let’s step back for a moment; when young people would say “That’s the bee’s knees” instead of “That’s the shiznit.” A time when dapper young men would check out if a gal had nice gams instead of an ill nana, badonkadonk or fire crotch.

A time when Beemans Gum wasn’t considered old.

When was that? Let’s just say it’s older than your great-aunt Josie from Brooklyn. You know the one I’m talking about. The great-aunt that pinches your cheeks, thinks you’re still fifteen (even though you graduated medical school) and still has plastic on the sofa, because she believes FDR or the Pope might stop in for a cup of Sanka.

Actually, Beemans Gum is much, MUCH older.

Yet, even if it is ancient, its flavor is better than a lot of the latest chewing gums out there, which are in packaging that looks like it could be in an off-beat European home décor magazine. Originally it was a gum to aid in digestion and, to me, it tastes a little bit like Birch Beer. So what if the Beemans logo is plain and the packaging isn’t anything that will win design awards? It’s still so much fucking cooler (or “dandy” if it’s 1898) than modern chewing gums.

After doing some research on the product, I found out that Beemans Gum was considered lucky among pilots during the heyday of aviation. I guess Amelia Earhart wasn’t a fan of chewing gum (Is it too soon for an Amelia Earhart joke?).

Beemans and other nostalgic gums like Black Jack (which is amazing) and Clove have been released for public consumption every two years, and 2009 is one of those years. So I recommend picking up a pack before you actually need a time machine to go back to 2009 to get some. But then if that’s case, it would be worth it to go back to the turn of the century when it was cheaper, probably even tasted better and was widely available. Too bad us ladies won’t have the right to vote.

If you do go back, just don’t say, “Hey shawty, can I get yo digits?” to the nice girl in front of you, because just like if you did it in 2009, she would kick your ass.

Item: Beemans Gum
Price: 75 cents
Purchased at: Christmas Tree Shops
Size: 5 sticks
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Surprisingly long lasting flavor. Early 20th Century slang. Not a fruit or mint gum. Aids in digestion. The first marketed chewing gum.
Cons: Only available for a limited time. Early 21st Century slang. Not knowing when it’s too soon to make jokes about celebrities. Horrible attempts that clueless men use to get a woman’s phone number. Plastic on furniture.