REVIEW: Dunkin’ Donuts Grape Coolatta

We are smack dab in the dog days of summer.

I always wanted to know why they called them that. Maybe it’s because when it’s almost 100 degrees and the humidity is thicker than a Shamrock Shake (and sometimes the same color if you’re in an urban area) humans tend to stick out their tongues like canines (or 30-year-old virgins watching Megan Fox do anything) to alleviate excess heat from their bodies. I actually don’t know if this is true, because I’ve never seen anyone who is considered mentally stable do it in public. However, in the privacy of their home it might be different.

If you do pant like a dog, perhaps you might want to try the new Dunkin’ Donuts Grape Coolatta flavor to help bring your body temperature to a level that doesn’t require an ice bath or a cold water wet t-shirt contest. Sadly, to TIB readers not from the East Coast, these flavors are unavailable since Dunkin’ always stays true to their roots and test markets new products in their backyard, but even though these flavors are allegedly available where I’m from, they are harder to find than Painite.

I went to five DD’s (you would think that’s a lot, but not when they’re on every single damn street) to try and find this slushy beverage. The first three sold out, and the fourth didn’t get their shipment of, I guess, the sugary syrup. When I reached the last Dunkin’ Donuts, I was very parched, and when I asked if they had the new flavors, I almost thought I was suffering from the heat which was melting my brain when the Dunkin’ Donuts employee said through a muffled speaker, “Yes, (mumble) we (mumble) Grape Coolatta.”

I finally had my frozen concoction in my possession. The color was a nice deep purple, which looked bold in DD’s clear cups. Then the moment had arrived, the moment that I was waiting for. I sucked on that straw, it hit my lips, then my taste buds….and it tasted just like a grape ice pop.

Not a total let down, not a total shocker, but there was some disappointment. I will sound like someone’s 80-year-old grandmother who used to chew on melted tar, because they couldn’t afford Big Red, when I say this, but you can purchase a huge bag of those double popsicles (or Siamese Ice Pops for you politically incorrect people) for the price of one medium or large Grape Coolatta.

Oh, it’s not the consistency you want? Take them off of the stick and dump the ice pops in the blender. Bingo. Grape Coolatta.

As a fan of the other Coolattas (Coffee, the newly resurrected Vanilla Bean and the Tropicana Orange), I’m confused why they picked grape to be a new flavor. If they were going with the ice pop motif, you would want to go with the most popular flavor — cherry.

Grape ice pops are good, but they’ve always been the last picked in my freezer and when we would get Fla-Vor-Ice at school on hot days. Maybe Dunkin’ felt bad about this. Every dog has his day, even if it’s one that’s hot as an aging biker chick with a lower back tattoo. Wait, that isn’t hot at all. Actually, that’s kind of gross.

(Nutrition Facts – 16 ounces – 240 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 55 milligrams of sodium, 59 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber and 58 grams of sugar.)

Item: Dunkin’ Donuts Grape Coolatta
Price: $2.99 (price may vary depending on location)
Size: 16 ounces (small)
Purchased at: Dunkin’ Donuts
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Cools you off on a hot day. Double ice pops. Dunkin’ Donuts around every corner in my area. Stays cold for a long time. Vanilla Bean is back.
Cons: Too expensive for what it actually is. Tastes like plain old grape ice pops. Old people saying the phrase “When I was a kid.” Only available for a limited time in a limited area. No Cherry Coolatta. Every calorie coming from sugar. Aging biker chicks with lower back tattoos.