Back in the day when young adults in the suburbs wanted to be rebels, they would pay their local hobo to pick them up a six-pack of wine coolers or a bottle of Boone’s Farm. A decade later the drink du jour for the underage set was Smirnoff Ice. Today, young folks turn to alcoholic energy drinks to make them knock themselves on their asses, rip off their clothes, put a lampshade on their heads and run around in circles while repeatedly singing Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face” — the Eric Cartman version.
The Mamba JOOSE’s can design makes Sparks look like a little pussy bitch, and I’m pretty sure Joose would say that right to Sparks’ face, if aluminum cans could talk. In return, Sparks would come back with, “Well, at least my name doesn’t rhyme with douche.” Joose would get super pissed off and beat the shit out of Sparks with its tribal tattooed arms, if aluminum cans had arms. This is the kind of alcoholic beverage we’re dealing with here, and I’m pretty sure after two cans of this D-Bag, or shall I say J-Bag, you’ll probably be exhibiting the same behavior.
The Mamba JOOSE is a premium malt beverage with our good energy fiends taurine, ginseng and caffeine. It tastes very fruity (don’t you dare say that to its face) and I kind of like it. I can’t really describe the flavor more in depth, because after a few sips my mind kind of voids anything, but then suddenly becomes alert and jittery. It does this better than a Red Bull and Vodka.
Clocking in at 9.9 percent alcohol, it packs a serious wallop. Let’s put it in perspective. Your run-of-the-mill Budweiser has only half of that, and the classic malt liquor, Olde English 800 (a.k.a Ol’ E) has only 5.9 percent. This combination of high alcohol content, taurine, caffeine and ginseng can’t be good for you. In fact, as of last month the FDA has given the makers of Joose and other alcoholic energy drinks 30 days to prove “clear evidence of safety” or they’ll take them off of the shelves. I’m not really crying over this, but I would like to at least try one of the other flavors.
I like a good beer, but I will admit I sometimes enjoy swillin’ some old school malt liquor, especially if I’m pregaming. I’m positive that Joose was made solely for pregaming activities, because there’s no reason to actually want to drink this other than wanting to get hammered quickly without having to tolerate the taste of beer.
If that’s what you’re looking to do, this Joose will get you loose.
(NOTE: Please drink responsibly.)
Item: Joose Mamba JOOSE
Price: $2.50
Size: 23.5 ounces
Purchased at: Steak & Hoagie Factory
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: High alcohol content for the price. Tastes really fruity. Good for pregaming. Not having to pay a hobo to get you booze. Cartman’s version of Lady Gaga’s Poker Face. More than one flavor available.
Cons: Taurine, caffeine and ginseng makes you way too jittery. Boone’s Farm. Doesn’t have the street cred like Ol’ E, Colt 45 or St. Ides. Might make you loose. Might not get to try another Joose flavor before the FDA bans it.