REVIEW: Ed Hardy Sangria

Ed Hardy (by Christian Audigier), the leading purveyor of fine douche-wear such as faux-tattoo print T-shirts and trucker hats, have finally taken the next logical step and created their own “V.I.F. Drinks” (which I assume stands for Very Important Fuckface) beverage line. You know, like that old saying goes: If you can do one thing shoddily, why not do a lot of things shoddily. Or something like that.

Sangria isn’t what is traditionally known as a “manly” thing to drink – what with the wine and the fruity bits and whatnot. And despite the skull wearing a cowboy hat with an arrow through it and a snake sitting on top of the hat and an eagle attacking the snake and some other snakes and fruit and stuff juxtaposed about the label, Ed Hardy Sangria still doesn’t strike me as a particularly manly thing to drink. Like for instance, I don’t know if I could see Jon “Fat Asian Spencer Pratt” Gosselin actually drinking Ed Hardy Sangria, but I could definitely see it as something he would offer to one of the many low-class women he attempts to bed. For anyone unfamiliar with sangria in general, here is the testimonial that can be conveniently found right on the back of the Ed Hardy Sangria bottle:

Produced in Spain and popularized throughout Europe for hundreds of years, Sangria is the perfect party drink. Mixed hundreds of different ways, or just poured over ice, fruity and delicious, Ed Hardy Sangria is everyone’s favorite, fashionable party guest.

Although after sampling this product, I personally don’t really see how Ed Hardy Sangria can be mixed “hundreds” of ways. In fact, I can really only think of “two” different ways it can be served: In a glass by itself or in a glass with a handful of roofies mixed in. Because while real sangria is mixed with ingredients like red wine, brandy and fruit liqueurs, and packs quite a punch; Ed Hardy Sangria contains a laughable 7 percent alcohol per volume and therefore would probably not get a young lady intoxicated enough to have sexual relations with Jon Gosselin on its own.

Likewise, Ed Hardy Sangria doesn’t taste particularly “alcohol-ey” either. It mostly tastes like something I would have sipped out of a little box and straw when I was in elementary school. If I had to compare it, I’d say the flavor most resembles Capri Sun’s Fruit Punch. On that note, while at face value I really wanted to hate Ed Hardy Sangria, I couldn’t even muster up the hatred for it that I usually reserve for things that come packaged in Ed Hardy, like 33-year-old men who hit on college girls. It was sweet, but not obnoxiously or cloyingly so, like eight letters handwritten in crayon pleading for daddy to come home for Christmas – and overall fairly innocuous. There was just nothing notable about it whatsoever, positive or negative. As far as alcoholic beverages go, it was just pure, unadulterated mediocrity.

To compare it to leading competing products, I would have to say it’s definitely more pleasant-tasting than your Boone’s Hill or Arbor Mist. But overall, if you were in the market for a cheap wine(-ish) product that doesn’t really taste much like wine, I’d go with something in the Franzia family. Because not only does Franzia give you a bigger bang for your buck, but you’re also not putting your money into encouraging what could eventually be Ed Hardy brand® breakfast cereal and Ed Hardy brand® toilet paper.

Item: Ed Hardy Sangria
Price: $6.99
Size: 750 ml.
ABV: 7%
Purchased at: Pennsylvania State Liquor Store, Philadelphia 40th & Market Location
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Was surprisingly not gross. Convenient screw-top cap. Real homemade sangria.
Cons: Ed Hardy, obviously. Fat Asian Spencer Pratt. Won’t get you drunk. The fact that this product even exists.