REVIEW: Blue Diamond Crunchy Almond Butter

Get ready fair readers, because I’m about to blow your mind.

According to my sources *cough* Facebook *cough*, March is National Peanut Month. After doing some research, I later found out National Peanut Lover’s Day falls on March 15th and National Peanut Butter Lover’s Day is on March 1st, which of course makes sense. However, National Peanut Butter Lover’s Month is in November and National Peanut Butter Day is in January. Shit. I don’t know about you, but I feel like I need some epinephrine to deal this clusterfuck of made up holidays.

Almonds, on the other hand, are straightforward, they don’t have an entire month devoted to them, and their day pretty much goes on without any fanfare (it’s February 16th so mark your calendars for next year, and if you’re the worst boyfriend ever, combine it with Valentine’s Day). To me, almonds are a classier, more stuck up nut than the peanut. A kid who uses his jacket’s sleeve as a tissue has the taste bud capabilities of distinguishing what makes peanuts and peanut butter yummy. Almonds, however, are certainly for a more refined crowd. Even by saying the word “almond” you can’t help but picture yourself wearing a monocle and speaking in an accent that is supposed to represent the higher echelon of society who uses the word “echelon” in everyday conversations.

The Blue Diamond Crunchy Almond Butter has a strong taste of almond (go figure), but it wasn’t as chunky as I expected. When it comes to peanut butter, I like it super, duper chunky. Hell, I like my peanut butter so chunky it wouldn’t be able to fit into the clothes in the Husky section of Sears. The Blue Diamond Almond Butter is chunky, and could fit into a pair of Husky-sized Toughskins easily, but that’s unlikely to happen since it wouldn’t be caught dead in clothes from a department store. Instead it would wear Brooks Brothers suits and ties everyday, which would be the reason for peanut butter to pick on almond butter. Despite the constant ridicule from Skippy and the gang, the Blue Diamond Chunky Almond Butter can hold its own on a nice piece of wholegrain toast with some grape jelly.

Although it tastes good, the combination of almond butter and jelly is like seeing a celebrity couple that just doesn’t look right. Kind of like Mo’nique and her skinny, slightly effeminate husband. The public knows that jelly will always be better with peanut butter and I’ve come to terms with that. But almond butter really is good and according to my sources *cough* Oprah’s bowel movement loving buddy, Dr. Oz *cough* almond butter is healthier for you than its plebian cousin. Although I don’t know how healthy it can really be when you combine it with the delectable devil’s spread, Nutella.

The Blue Diamond Crunchy Almond Butter will never be a replacement for my luscious Skippy Super Chunk, but it’s really nice to have in the pantry when you want to switch things up, or if you want to pretend you’re eating more like an adult, and less like a kid who keeps a booger collection in the pockets of his Husky-sized Toughskins.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 tbsp – 190 calories, 17 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 75 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams of potassium, 7 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 7 grams of protein, 8% calcium, 40% vitamin E, 8% iron and 20% magnesium.)

Item: Blue Diamond Crunchy Almond Butter
Price: $3.69
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at: Christmas Tree Shops
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Great natural almond taste. Healthier than peanut butter. Great way to get Vitamin E. Tastes yummy with grape jelly or Nutella. Celebrating National Almond Day. Monocles.
Cons: Usually more expensive than peanut butter. Not chunky enough. Getting caught using your jacket’s sleeve as a tissue. Dr. Oz talking about poop. Mo’nique coming after you with a frying pan.