REVIEW: Sunkist Invincible Orange Slurpee

To mark the beginning of the warmer days of spring, I get a Slurpee from 7-Eleven. Slurpees are like teen magazines; you don’t want to be caught with one, because people will think you’re a tad bit weird if they see you tonguing and speaking in baby-talk to the latest picture of Justin Bieber, or in the case of 7-Eleven’s Slurpees, tonguing the dribble that accumulates on the top of the cup and yelling at it when it gets all over your shirt.

Most of the time, the scathing looks people give you when sucking on a massive Slurpee are worth it because it’s usually uber delicious. Besides, you shouldn’t care about what people think, because you’re in Slurpee euphoria and they’re not. However, if you don’t care about the looks people give you when you’re making out with a picture of a sixteen-year-old male pop star that looks like he could be on Nickelodeon’s version of The L Word, I suggest you quit your job as a middle school teacher.

What makes the Sunkist Invincible Orange Slurpee invincible? On the surface, there couldn’t be anything invincible about a semi-frozen beverage that starts to melt before you stick a straw in it. But a massive corporation that sells hot dogs in a carousel couldn’t be lying about its beverage’s invincibility to the millions of stoners who made the company what it is today, right? Like Jacques Cousteau, or Octomom’s gynecologist, I decided to risk my personal safety so people can learn from my invincibility experiments with the Sunkist Invincible Orange Slurpee.

I drove into Crips territory in a red Civic, wearing Red Door perfume, a shirt from Gap’s (Product)Red collection and my face covered in red paint. Also, in one hand I had a Red Robin burger and in the other I had a Sunkist Invincible Orange Slurpee.

The results?

My car was stolen, I was called an old bitch for wearing grandma perfume, my burger was ripped from my clutches and consumed in front of my face and instead of getting pistol whipped, my Sunkist Invincible Orange Slurpee was dumped on my head. After that ordeal, I decided to end my quest to determine the invincibility of the Slurpee. I realized people just toss the word around, because it sounds badass. Michael Jackson named one of his records “Invincible” and we all know what happened to MJ.

The Sunkist Invincible Orange Slurpee is not badass enough to deserve the title “invincible.” However, it’s pretty tasty. It tastes like a Creamsicle, but with less of the smooth vanilla flavor. The orange dominates the vanilla, but I don’t feel comfortable using the word “dominate” to describe this beverage because it gives it street cred that it doesn’t deserve. I’m notorious for combing Slurpee flavors, and if they still had the Vanilla Cream flavor or Blue Vanilla, I would combine that with this Slurpee just so the orange and vanilla are balanced.

The Sunkist Invincible Orange was a really good Slurpee, but I feel it’s not in-your-face enough for a tie-in with anything associated with Iron Man 2. 7-Eleven kind of pussied out on this, kind of like what Insane Clown Posse did with their song “Miracles.” Maybe if they added some caffeine it would be better, but alas it’s just a Slurpee that can help you deal with the warm days of spring and summer, but not offer any protection if you’re wearing the wrong colors in the wrong neighborhood.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 120 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 30 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams of potassium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 32 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

(NOTE: We Rate Stuff also reviewed it, but didn’t like it as much.)

Item: Sunkist Invincible Orange Slurpee
Price: $1.39
Size: 32 ounces
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Refreshing orange flavor. Tastes kind of like a Creamsicle. Warmer weather. Slurpee euphoria. 7-Eleven being around thanks to stoners.
Cons: Needs a tad more vanilla. Justin Bieber. Overuse of words so that they lose their actual meaning. Being Octomom’s gynecologist. Cougar middle school teachers.