“Waffles?” you ask. “Really, Drew? The man who reviewed beer for Christmas is a week behind on a review, and when he finally gets it in, it’s waffles? That’s weak, bro.” Your scorn is duly noted, and all I can offer in return is that, as the joint creator and co-producer of a two-year-old and a three-week-old, I have not gotten more than five hours of sleep a night in, well, three weeks. Ergo, I am going to review my effing waffles with fiber, and you will read every damn word I have to say, no matter how little sense it makes or how old it makes me sound. Are we clear?
The gimmick of Kellogg’s new Eggo waffles is that they’re FiberPlus, boldly proclaimed as 35% of your daily recommended intake of fiber right there on the front of the box. By way of differentiating the two flavors beyond just “one’s got chocolate chips, the other don’t,” the buttermilk variety touts the word “calcium” on its banner, whereas the chocolate chip version boasts of its antioxidants, including vitamin E and zinc. I was prepared to laugh my taint off if both versions had the exact same amount of calcium and Kellogg’s was just pretending there’s some health advantages of one over the other, but apparently they are indeed slightly distinct. According to the nutritional info, the buttermilk variety have a whopping 5% more of your daily recommended intake of calcium per waffle than their be-chipped brethren, but with the trade-off of no appreciable levels of vitamin E or zinc. This matters to me absolutely zero, but I suppose somewhere there may be someone who has strong, definitive opinions about how much zinc they consume in their breakfast toaster items. Someday I would like to meet that man and tell him he’s wasted his life. Then he’ll say I’m pretty judgmental for a guy who’s not wearing any pants, and we’ll both have a good laugh.
My chief concern about the waffles beforehand was the same one I have whenever I try a food purporting to be healthy, which is that too often there’s the inevitable sacrifice of taste for health. Yes, your unsweetened organic rice cakes may let me live two days longer than if I’d eaten a Twinkie instead, but during that time the thought “Man, those rice cakes really tasted like the styrofoam packing peanuts they were probably made from” will cross my mind at least three times. (I intend to be very reflective in my final days.) I’m not interested in improved colon health if the unspoken caveat is that I’m basically eating cardboard. Fortunately, I can report that the FiberPlus waffles are no worse than other Eggo waffles I’ve had in the past, which also means they’re tastier than your average frozen waffle.
The adjectives most commonly used to denote good waffles are “light and fluffy.” But be honest — when’s the last time you had a frozen food that really qualified as “light”?  I’ll offer that these are fluffy and… semi light? Light-ish? Loosely adapted from a work inspired by light? You won’t mistake them for being freshly made, but they’re probably as non-heavy as you could expect out of frozen waffles. As for the flavor, extra calcium and fiber or not, nothing tastes “off” about the buttermilk ones. I could distinctly taste the chocolate chips in the antioxidants variety, and there are a decent (though not overly generous) number of chips in each. For the price you’re paying, it’s hard to find too much fault with the taste.
In the interest of garnering multiple perspectives, and also because kids gotta eat, I solicited my toddler’s opinions on the waffles as well. She reported that they taste, quote, “Mmm-hmm,” and expanded on this with, “I get down now?” However, she also ate every bite, which NEVER happens, so that’s kind of the ultimate compliment. Bafflingly, that was the buttermilk; the next day she ate two bites of the chocolate chip one and then flatly turned it down, proving once and for all that kids are kind of dumb. She did deign to eat the rest of it that night, and when asked to clarify whether it was “satisfying” or “flavorful,” indicated that it was “favorul.” If Kellogg’s wants to use that in their new advertising campaign, I’m willing to sign the consent forms.
Finally, I’m not a coffee drinker, but many people are, and between a cup or two of java and these waffles, well… I can’t vouch for it personally, but I could see that being the kind of breakfast that puts a spring in your step and your ass on the john. I would not schedule a particularly long staff meeting after a venti mocha and a couple of these waffles, is what I’m saying. On the other hand, happy parents make for happy babies, and what’s more important to long-term happiness than good digestive health? Maybe I was smart to buy these things after all. Thanks, FiberPlus!
(Nutrition Facts – 2 waffles – Calcium Buttermilk – 160 calories, 6 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 390 milligrams of sodium, 29 grams of carbohydrates, 9 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein. Antioxidants Chocolate Chip – 180 calories, 7 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 350 milligrams of sodium, 31 grams of carbohydrates, 9 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein.)
Item: Kellogg’s Eggo FiberPlus Waffles (Calcium Buttermilk & Antioxidants Chocolate Chip)
Price: $3.39
Size: 8 waffles
Purchased at: Giant
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Calcium Buttermilk)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Antioxidants Chocolate Chip)
Pros: Affordable. Easy to prepare. Surprisingly good for frozen food. Healthier than I anticipated. Buttermilk = calci-riffic! Antioxidants are… good, I’m pretty sure? Keeping the system, uh, well, you know. “Running smoothly.” Yeah.
Cons: All baby and no sleep makes Drew go crazy. Not especially light. Having to decide if it’s worth swapping calcium for antioxidants and chocolate chips. (Yes.) Knowing that maple syrup eliminates any pretense of “healthiness.” Toddler eating habits.