If there’s one thing I don’t have much of other than money, good looks, viable job skills, money, and sexual machismo, it’s a lot of time to spend in the morning just relaxing. I admire those who are able to savor a leisurely cup of coffee and a scone while reading the New York Times and presumably playing a game of backgammon, but that’s not the life I’ve chosen for myself. The life I’ve chosen is filled with exchanges like this:
“Daddy I want milk and apple juice and milk in my bowl and Kix in my bowl.” [actual quote]
“You know Daddy doesn’t speak Dictator.”
“Please I can have milk and Kix and apple juice and milk pleeeeeeaaaassee?”
That’s not a complaint — I’ve wanted a small creature chirping pidgin English at me ever since we hosted that exchange student when I was a kid — but it does make every morning a whirlwind of heating bottles, pouring cereal, brushing teeth, reminding someone that we only spit out our toothpaste when we’re over the sink, da–… ang it, and getting out the door. So something I can eat on the fly is a plus, and doubly so if it gives me a complete meal of eggs, cheese, bacon, and a biscuit in 10 easy bites. That was enough to make me take a look at Eggo Biscuit Scramblers, like a drunk blearily peering across the bar at last call to figure out just how many… dozen pounds overweight the last female patron is, and whether it’s worth sending over a drink. Maybe not, but you’ll never know unless you try. Sorry, that one kind of got away from me. (NOT based on real events, I’m happy to say.)
The scramblers come in two varieties, with and without bacon, though of course you know which one I picked. (I don’t feel guilty, I’ve read “Animal Farm.”) They look pretty similar to a normal biscuit, maybe a bit larger, definitely a little heavier. The back of the box suggests heating them for 45 seconds, but either that’s inaccurate or my microwave is weaker than my metaphors, because it left parts of the scrambler colder than a really, really, really cold thing. Personally I found a full minute to be a much better choice.
Upon cutting one open to snap a picture, I was struck by how the filling layer extended the length of the biscuit but was kind of thin. You know how sometimes you buy a bismark or jelly-filled donut and it takes like three bites before you get any filling, and how cheated you feel? The scramblers aren’t as extreme as that (there weren’t any bites with zero filling), but I still could’ve done with a little less biscuit and a little more yum. For me the biscuit is like the opening act at a concert: they may be pretty good, I might enjoy them, but they’re not why I bought the ticket.
What filling there is is pretty good though, I’ll admit. The egg and biscuit are definitely the dominant flavors, probably the egg a bit more so. The cheese is a subtler taste but pervades the entire scrambler, content to play second fiddle to the unborn baby birds. By contrast, the bacon asserts itself a little more but is frustratingly sporadic. At times you think “Oh ho, I have you now!” as you chomp down on a meaty mouthful, but other times you wonder if pigs were just declared an endangered species. I think the issue is that the bacon mostly comes in small flecks rather than big strips. The total volume may or may not be the same, but it just doesn’t feel as substantial. As for the biscuit, you won’t be mistaking it for one that came out of Paula Deen’s oven, but it could’ve been a lot worse — it’s not particularly flaky, but it’s reasonably soft and light.
I’d love to tell you that the scramblers are every bit as good as a breakfast sandwich from your favorite fast food joint, but I cannot tell a lie. Or, well, I can, but then Marvo doesn’t pay me. The truth is that they’re a reasonably tasty on-the-go morning food, probably a little more filling than a Pop-Tart but every bit as bad for you. (The calorie count isn’t bad, but check out that sodium. That’s 27% of your recommended daily value. BAM!) Despite not being as delicious, the scramblers are certainly cheaper and more convenient than stopping at Dunkin’ Donuts for a comparable sandwich, so they might be worth it to you anyway. And if your mornings sound remotely like mine, that just might make the decision for you.
(Nutrition Facts — 1 biscuit — 270 calories, 80 calories from fat, 8 grams of total fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 640 milligrams of sodium, 240 milligrams of potassium, 40 grams of total carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 5 grams of sugars, 33 grams of other carbohydrates, and 9 grams of protein.)
Item: Eggo Bacon, Egg & Cheese Biscuit Scramblers
Price: $4.79
Size: 4 biscuits
Purchased at: Giant
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Easy to eat while carrying child upside down. Pidgin English. Good size. Filling runs the length of the biscuit. Acceptable calorie count. Tasty cheese and eggs, decent biscuit. Sending over a drink at last call.
Cons: Inaccurate microwave times. Thinnish layer of filling. Opening acts. Uneven bacon distribution. High sodium count. Not as good as a fast food breakfast sandwich (though probably not as bad for you either).