REVIEW: Materne Apple Mango Pineapple Banana GoGo squeeZ Fast Fruit

Fruits are Mother Nature’s candy.

However, even though I can walk into the produce section of a grocery store and easily buy pounds of Mother Nature’s candy and get sick from eating it all at one time like a kid with inattentive parents and a jack-o’-lantern pail full of candy on Halloween, I still don’t consume enough fruit.

I also don’t eat enough of Mother Nature’s medicine (vegetables) and Mother Nature’s fun pills (Psilocybin mushrooms).

I don’t consume a lot of fruits because I’m horrible at picking fruits that don’t have some kind of defect, the produce guy at my usual grocery store handles fruit in a creepy way, and cheeseburgers and potato chips always block my mouth from getting any.

Materne is a company many of you have never heard of, but you’ve probably seen and/or purchased their applesauce pouches for children — GoGo squeeZ (Yes, that’s how they spell it). According to Materne, 30 percent of their fruit pouches for kids are consumed for adults. I believe that number is accurate because I enjoy eating Kid Cuisine frozen entrees and stabbing Capri Sun pouches from time to time.

Perhaps, in order to stop parents from eating their kid’s snacks, Materne introduced a line of adult fruit pouches called GoGo squeeZ Fast Fruit.

The adult snack, which could be consumed by kids for revenge, comes in three flavors: Apple Raspberry Cranberry, Apple Peach Passion Fruit, and, the one I’ve been sucking on, Apple Mango Pineapple Banana.

Sucking?

Well, in order to get the fruit out of the pouch and into your mouth, you could be civilized and squeeze out the pouch’s contents into a bowl and eat the mashed fruits with a spoon. Or you can do what I imagine most people do, which is GoGo sucK the fruit out of the pouch.

Each 4.2-ounce pouch, which is just an ounce more than the children-sized GoGo squeeZ, contains three-fourths of a small apple, a slice of mango, a wedge of pineapple, and a slice of banana. That farmer’s market of fruit equals one fruit serving. The contents of the BPA-free pouch are also gluten-free, vegan, all-natural, certified kosher, and contains no artificial colors, flavors, or preservatives.

Even though it contains a number of fruits, the Apple Mango Banana Pineapple Banana GoGo squeeZ looks, tastes, and has the same consistency as applesauce. My taste buds could detect a hint of banana and mango, but if a civilized person secretly squeezed out the mashed fruit from one of these pouches and served it to me in a bowl, I would think it looks and tastes like applesauce.

To be honest, I was a little disappointed I didn’t get a small tropical party in my mouth.

However, Apple Mango Pineapple Banana GoGo squeeZ is some mighty tasty mashed fruit. After I sucked the pouch dry, I wished there was more mashed fruit. I even used every toothpaste tube emptying technique I knew of to try and get every bit of fruit out of each pouch.

If only GoGo squeeZ Fast Fruit came in larger pouches. Although, if they did, I might not be able to hide them in an inner jacket pocket, like was a gin-filled hip flask, so I can sneak in quick shots of fruit.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pouch – 80 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 17 grams of sugar, and 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Materne Apple Mango Pineapple Banana GoGo squeeZ Fast Fruit
Purchased Price: $4.29
Size: 4 pack
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Mighty tasty mashed fruit. Tasty enough that I wished the pouches were bigger. Pouches are portable. Gluten-free, vegan, all-natural, certified kosher, and contains no artificial colors, flavors, or preservatives
Cons: Tastes too similar to ordinary applesauce. Mango, pineapple, and banana didn’t have a strong presence. Pricier than buying regular fruit. Eating too much candy on Halloween.