REVIEW: Hello Kitty Ice Cream Cake

I know it’s hard to resist this Hello Kitty Ice Cream Cake.

For some of you, you’re squealing the word “kawaii” (cute) in your head or out loud and you’re halfway out the door with your Hello Kitty purse hanging from your arm and your Hello Kitty tattoo that’s in a location that only the tattoo artist who put it there and your bathroom mirror knows.

But before you rush out that door and spend your hard earned money on this ice cream cake, I want you to ask yourself — WWHKD.

What Would Hello Kitty Do?

I know what Hello Kitty would do. She would not put this ice cream cake anywhere near her mouth because…1) she doesn’t have a frickin’ mouth and 2) it’s not very kawaii.

I mean, look at it. Those dead eyes. The bow that looks like a baboon’s butt. And that colorful crap around it.

The confetti sprinkles on the cake’s edges make it look like it was downwind from an office worker opening a paper hole puncher used only for colored paper in front of a fan. Not only do those colorful sprinkles make it look like Hello Kitty has a beard made from wet clown wigs, they also have a texture that I would describe as waterlogged cardboard that’s been dried out. They add a deadening texture to the exterior of the cake and they taste like the cheaper version of the sticks that come with Fun Dip. Stale store brand Fruity Pebbles would be an upgrade over these.

As for the white frosting, it has an Elmer’s Glue-like consistency and a flavor that’s exactly what I imagine the color white tastes like. Behind that white frosting is vanilla ice cream mixed with more of those confetti sprinkles. It’s fetti-like.

Now you might be thinking, “Don’t you mean Funfetti-like?”

No. The word “fun” should never be used to describe this product.

The ice cream isn’t creamy, but that might be the fault of the sprinkles inside it. Its flavor will be fine for any non-discerning taste buds and the sprinkles in it don’t seem to be as cardboard-y as the ones on the outside of the cake. But even if the inside of this ice cream cake is tolerable, I have to say no to it.

How crazy is it to say “no” to an ice cream cake? No ice cream cake should make me feel that way.

If you happen to be at a party and one of these are brought out, the first thing you should do is cut out Hello Kitty’s dead eyes so that your eyes don’t end up being a reflection of hers as you make your way through one slice. When you get that slice and you can’t secretly throw it into the trash, shave off those rainbow sprinkles and as much of the frosting as you can. The ice cream is tolerable, but when eaten with everything else, not so much.

Personally, I think the cake should be either melted by Bad Badtz-Maru, buried in the ground by Pochacco, drowned by Kerokerokeroppi, or violently cut into pieces by Chococat. Yes, part of my head is filled with the names of Sanrio characters. No Google or Wikipedia for me.

Speaking of Sanrio, I’m 100 percent sure Sanrio doesn’t really care this cake is bad because they probably got their licensing money. I’m also 100 percent sure they’re not celebrating the fact that they got their licensing money with a Hello Kitty Ice Cream Cake.

Oh, and while we’re on the subject of money, I should mention I paid $26 for this embarrassing reason for possible tooth decay. Even if you saw it for one-third of the price, it’s not worth it.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/12 of a cake – 240 calories, 110 calories from fat, 13 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 70 milligrams of sodium, 30 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 25 grams of sugar, and 3 grams of protein.)

Item: Hello Kitty Ice Cream Cake
Purchased Price: $25.99
Size: 52 fl. oz.
Purchased at: Times Supermarket
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: Ice cream is tolerable. Don’t need Google or Wikipedia to list Sanrio characters. WWHKD.
Cons: Not cute. Confetti sprinkles have a texture similar to cardboard that’s been wet and then dried. Sprinkles have a bland flavor. Ice cream isn’t creamy. Frosting is as bland as the sprinkles. Not worth $26.